I loved you, yes.

Once

You soothed me cool cool water on a burn
You rocked me gently napping in your arms
     resting in a sunlit motel room.

I grew to love your company
The simple existence of a warm body in the same room
To desire your lazily listening ear
I learned to lust for shapes that did not my body fill
To moan for groan for
Forced tessellations roughly holding down my hips
     in demeaningly false passion.

I loved you once
But was quickly weighted left hand bending
     toward the dirt under the ceiling of your bed chamber
          “My love do not leave me you
          cannot leave me you will
          never leave me you will learn
          to love me hunchbacked lonely.
          My love my sweet my dear.

          My pet.                                       “

I drowned in the heat of your sweat
Filling my lungs bursting with salt
Filling my organs with your clammy salt
Curing my love bitter shriveling dried my heart
     preserved for future consumption no longer
     pumping warm blood bleeding aching no longer
     throbbing stinging longing soaked in blood
     no longer beating .buhduhn.buhduhn.buhduhn.
     living bleeding my heart no longer pouring
     sweet blood from her mouth into thirsty veins.
A cured lump of jerky fell from my breast
     onto the floor and I looked on indifferent as the dog
     took it in his mouth.

I loved you once
I sobbed childish little girl confused in your absence
Upon your return arms vines twisting clinging
     to your steady torso
Flowering my gently parting lips eager to pour forth
     my nectar into your life to sweeten
     your life
I only wanted to be sweet for you.
You unearthed me chopping roots clinging
     desperately to cool moist earth
You unearthed me peeling tendrils from your walls
     wrapping me in a ball and tenderly bringing
     me inside through the side door
You unearthed me dropping me in a too small ***
Pruning pruning roughly trimming flowers falling
     to the floor I only wanted to be sweet for you
     now daily thirsting in your window nectar
     no longer flows now daily drying my leaves
     soft plush foliage bursting green browns
     falls crisp to the table I only wanted to
     be sweet for you now daily dying browning
     petals fall from my cheeks to the table and
     I wilt as the cat takes them in her mouth.

You loved me once.

Behind this pretty face,
I have shed countless tears,
I have seen worse days than I could ever Imagine,
Done the forbidden,
held my head low in my despicable shame!
treated my body demeaningly,
Sat in my shadows seeking solace.
Hiding my face in fear of my own self,
Afraid of what the world would say,
the fingers that would be pointed,
I have seen darker days!
Pushing my body beyond its limits and its worth,
being heartless and ruthless not caring at all!

Behind this pretty face!
I have lived in my own shadow afraid of looking at my own reflection,
because i'm afraid of what I would see in the mirror
Desperation feeding my soul unaware of how much harm I was causing to myself,
I became a hazard to myself.
ALL Behind this pretty face!

there are not four walls.
there are no gates,
nor hedges,
nor bricks.
yet, i find myself
undeniably and demeaningly so
    trapped.

this state of drowsiness
is not something
i awoke to,
but rather something
i slipped into
to get comfortable whilst awaiting
     death.

i wake and
i fall as anyone else might, but
i do not inhale the gusts of warmth,
nor cringe at the bitter drops
     of sky against my tongue.

an empty shell is all
i can imagine myself to be.
these curiosities and
these expectancies
were once mine, but drifted away.
their trail is buried in the ashes
     of an old dream.

i'd like more than anything to
feel your gentle pulse against mine, but
i determine this heart unworthy,
since each beat has become a part
    of this fated hell.