Behind these stone cold eyes of grey
Is a companion loyal come what may
Through the night and through day
Loyalty forbidden to go astray

Behind this unreadable ****** expression
Is a heart sculpted in unlikely fashion
Ready to love with blissful abandon
Ready to hate with gruesome passion

Behind this queer nonchalant flamboyance
Is a very well hidden calculative spirit
Very unwilling to leave life to chance
But very willing to cross the sky limit

The city, alive
feel
the beat of its
pulsing heart
in your hands
inhale
the air it breathes;
it heaves
abandoned desires
melancholy sighs

immerse
yourself into its
hollowed alleyways
concealed by
shadows of
wandering footsteps
trace
crevices of
every brick
a canvas for
misguided souls
who live for
art and cigarettes.

The city, alive
deceit lies
in calculative eyes
designed to
lure you in
with every blink.

I fell in love with you.
The time before I knew you feels oddly incomplete
Like the universe has been conspiring
My every step so that I would take the paths leading to you.
I think I knew my entire life
That one day that I would be by your side
Laughing, smiling and inevitably falling.
I knew because you were the one in my dreams. I realize now that
You were the reason why my bones kept tingling and wouldn't settle.

I want you to know that girls like me
Are cautious and afraid to fall in love for the first time.
Girls like me are calculative and hesitant
Because we are too afraid to pay for our mistakes;
We were taught that we are only made of our successes
And that every failure will become a hidden scar
We must be careful to never repeat.
But you came and made me reckless;
I made my decisions blindly and allowed myself
To forget about everything else in the world except you.
I’d trip racing to fall asleep each night just to see you the next day,
All I’d eat was your attention to feed the butterflies in my stomach,
And all I could see were the moments we had and the future we could write.
And even when the scars became so many
That they could no longer be hidden under my clothes
I kept falling deeper and deeper in love you with.
I decided that the pain wasn’t at all bad,
That the wounds were worth every moment of your friendship.

I am envious of the me in another world who was led to you
And who is free to keep loving you, but
It gives me a grain of comfort knowing that somewhere else
You and I are happily listening to our favorite songs
On a rainy Thursday evening, happily and forever in love.
But in this world, it will only be me who falls
So painfully and deeply and foolishly and madly
And beautifully
In love with you.

I plunge my fists deep into the cavity beside your heart
oh then I scream as thou pristine hands are painted red, for
my knowledge's a disposition, my loving's an addiction,
I may be tightly knit but my mind's fraying at the edge,

I felt myself caring, when I thought it no longer could be
my warped obsession with you
gave me something to think about, and queerly set me free -

alas my pastimes remained
a quandary to the twisted and deranged
through the eyes of a calculative Psychopath
I am cursed to forever see,

yes I know what to feel, I know what to say
but don't be fooled, I'm a living masquerade and I care not for you in any way -

oh I'll buy you a coffee, take you to a room and please you there -
but then the twitches start, as I rip the sultry fabric
from your skin, grab handfuls of your velveteen hair,

oh you'll be petrified, you'll freeze
as I finally unveil the insanity that I strive to appease -
in full swing and oblivious to the pain
revelling in the serendipity that is my disease

I'll take you for all you are, and all your worth,
then I'll swiftly **** you
and leave your body bleeding upon the hearth -

strolling casually into the dying sun,

smiling as the day collapses and begins to fold -

a horrific sight enough

to make one's blood run cold.

I find it disturbing that,
When God created man,
The wise Lord gave us Maths.
But we became calculative and used it to keep tabs.

He also gave us Languages,
But we too found ways to be ****** and rude.

Strangely, he gave us Science,
Thinking that it would improve our world,
But all we did, was try to disprove him.

Oddly, he created Technology,
For awhile, that worked well,
But even with that,
It now tries to replaces the very humans that he created,
With scraps of metal.

Are we truly on a one way street to destruction?
Why...

My heart aches a thousand times more
Each time my mind wanders.
It is the voices that rage me.
I hold my chair tight till it tattoos marks on my palm.

Because of you, because of your *****,
Your *******, *******, worshipping the ******* blue ******,
You have made me so jaded.

The naivete that I carried on my sleeve,
The sweet innocence looking forward to wonderful,
The trust I invested in total strangers,
The belief that there was good in every mankind,
All lies. I am now blinded by brutality and deceit.
I lost trust and I lost God. Both never existed.

How manipulative, calculative you were.
Not to mention your sister-*****, who later became your own concubine,
How she'd tricked me, lured me into believing every move.
I nodded, smiled and laughed along with the deceit.
All along a big *** knife was ****** into my back.

Who knew backstabbing was your favourite sport.

Shalini Nayar
© 2005

We don’t talk now
I understand you are busy
Surprisingly, my mind doesn’t plead
Your memories to not become a history
My feelings for you play silently
Arousing everything but sadness
And I wonder why there is no void
Why I don’t feel cramped  
Even with your reflection’s occupancy
  
With you as my guide
I discovered the greatness of brains and numbers
Honestly, I still feel the awe of it
For what use are skills and experiences, if not appreciation
I have known being a source of your pride
But how come there is such detachment at your end
May be your sources kept expanding to the extent
That I became a lost fraction of even thousands  

You gave me your clothes when I was soaked  
Laughed and gave me directions when I got lost on the road
Gave me the stage to show, and to answer
I helped your daughter cross French and English waters
But  I  couldn t help  her with German
How  could  I  draw  a  map,  when  I  didn't know the land
So I was  kicked to  the curb, to  never be contacted
You  told me to not become  a  calculator
But I don't remember ever being calculative

And I  never held anything against you For the free and  reasonable  me  would never  approve
Teachers like you  are still the reason
I  like to  be a student,  through and through.

The crackling fire spits sparks into the night sky
The atmosphere, alive,  with bright hues of burnt sienna
Illuminating your spirit with pure beauty,  sadness cannot thrive.
Love more real than any I have known..

Your eyes are so blue, not even a hint of a storm cloud approaching.
Your smile makes me forget every other lover I've known.
Every part of my body throbs in anticipation of your touch...............

I never saw it coming, blinded by emotions and lies
Leaving welts you left on my soul, so damaged
Your bitterness eats me alive
Buried alive,, slowly suffocating by the dirt thrown into my mouth.

Beating me into the ground with a shovel..  
I can hear the echoes within the soil, tormenting with anguish
Violently trembling and  shuddering with anger.. or is it  fear?
Sorrow aches deep within , vulnerable.

A vicious cycle starts from sweet to sadistic...
Wicked thoughts invade the purity of love.
Will we be able to withstand the cruelty and pain?

Unable to reach some kind of compromise.
How much I love and adore you,
My soul is old and my spirit free,
Yet you try to clip my wings and cage my essence.

Forever filtering  through my flaws and imperfections
Your intoxication transforming you into a savage
Being tortured, slowly, and with a motive
Your words are  weapons to use against me.

Flesh ripped apart,   blurring my vision with such a vengeance
Scratching and clawing
As they furiously circle and isolate their victim.

I am no innocent, I will not be
Oblivious to my crazed, moody outbursts.
I forget that my tongue can be the fork that eats you alive.
My mind unable to comprehend the damage I've done.
All my demands are incinerating the chance of happiness.

My addiction and your affliction segregate our hope
Calculative and manipulating, we can't live like this  
We both lose a battle we don't even realize is going on within ourselves.
Making no sense of the battles we choose, petty and useless.

What is the true reality of our abuse?   You are forever placing blame...
Surely, this cannot be love, for it takes no prisoners
Forever damaged and scarred, bitterness within my heart...

Wandering aimlessly, surrendering to my demise
But still, my heart belongs to only you
Knowing that only pain will it cause

Tired of running in circles,
Aren't you tired of sleeping in your clothes?
Never trusting again without fear of anger and loss?
Or does it matter to you what the peace and love will have conquered or will you only think of what it has cost?

That flickering star has been sending Morse code. Translation turns out no definitive message but the dots and dashes are unmistakeable. Now to unscramble the letters, how to make sense of it?I know I can do it, but it will take time, a team of highly paid scientists and a lot of government funding. There was a bullfrog whose croaking had absolute calculative exhaustive expression last night. I think he should be employed on this team of scientists. I'm certain he knows something. There were moths dancing in front of my headlights where I parked by the pond. Their syncopated flutterings seemed to tell a story, though I can't be sure it was in relation to the star or bullfrog. Still, it shouldn't be ruled out.

Its been a long, long time
Cant seem to find
Any shred of peace of mind.

Thoughts invade, tranquility escapes me
Memories bombard
And reality rapes me.

Crooked steps come, close behind
A sinister trap
But I'm far from blind

A calculative maneuver, clever plot
But you've yet to taste
The hell I've brought

Bring on your best, I've faced this before
I'll go down swinging
In this ******* war.

He's finding his way back to sanity, again
Carefully trending through his shadows
desperate for changes, and starving for truth
He's still hanging by the moment he held on to.

His heart was calculative and cold
But he now sits in warm embrace.  

He still knows his lovers face,
But he longs for love's new taste.

His chains have been broken
And he now walks free
He's spinning around, but hanging  on tight
This time he will gracefully fall into heaven's true embrace.

Set me up for failure please
Sell me into slavery
keep practicing apathy
as a cog inside of the machine

Bombard me with redundancy
imprint me with this disease
teach me only of dependency
keep your eyes fixed upon the screen

Leave your mind idling
stay blind to everything you see
be deaf to what you are hearing
life is made for forsaking

Influence my way of thinking
following robotic dreams
keep the lemming mentality
pray to non responsive deities

Do not dare to break the mold
stay calculative and cold
unless you wish to face the scold
by those doing what theyre told

Any animal in
the forest that
suddenly decides
to develope and
grows a horn
just because of me,
will definitely finds
out that it's
horn will eventually
be used as a cup
to drink wine.
I am like
the praying mantis
that dances
before it kills.
Calm and calculative,
focused and thoughtful,
tactful and mindful,
meditative and intuitive.
But can also
be dangerous for
the praying mantis kills.
The dance steps
and movements
are hypnotic and
mesmerizing.
A little mistake
can drastically cause
you your joy
and happiness,
even your life
and be the
little storm that
turns into a
big deal that
can mess up
your life.
It's like the
***** and the
excrete of the
mythical animal
set as a bait
to catch it's prey.
But what does
it all mean.
Don't mess up
what is so
important to you
just because you
are a little
unsure of who
you are.
©2019,Emeka Mokeme. All Rights Reserved.

I fell in love with you.
The time before I knew you feels oddly incomplete
Like the universe has been conspiring
My every step so that I would take the paths leading to you.
I think I knew my entire life
That one day that I would be by your side
Laughing, smiling and inevitably falling.
I knew because you were the one in my dreams. I realize now that
You were the reason why my bones kept tingling and wouldn't settle.

I want you to know that boys like me
Are cautious and afraid to fall in love for the first time.
Boys like me are calculative and hesitant
Because we are too afraid to pay for our mistakes;
We were taught that we are only made of our successes
And that every failure will become a hidden scar 
We must be careful to never repeat.
But you came and made me reckless;
I made my decisions blindly and allowed myself 
To forget about everything else in the world except you.
I’d trip racing to fall asleep each night just to see you the next day,
All I’d eat was your attention to feed the butterflies in my stomach,
And all I could see were the moments we had and the future we could write.
And even when the scars became so many 
That they could no longer be hidden under my clothes
I kept falling deeper and deeper in love you with.
I decided that the pain wasn’t at all bad,
That the wounds were worth every moment of your friendship.

I am envious of the me in another world who was led to you
And who is free to keep loving you, but
It gives me a grain of comfort knowing that somewhere else
You and I are happily listening to our favorite songs 
On a rainy Thursday evening, happily and forever in love.
But in this world, it will only be me who falls
So painfully and deeply and foolishly and madly
And beautifully
.

In love w
ith you.
"The First" and the end of the first.

. . ~ Ankit Dubey | ©

When the intermission bell rang
A bunch of boys grinning widely
With shrewd, calculative looks
Fumbled one at front
Inquired, " Hey what's #metoo??..

(while my younger days slowly lost meaning,
as these eyes can no longer see naivety)

i've learnt the art of pure hatred way too early,
as if it was no one's wish to let me feel compassion
they taught me how to turn my love into aggression
and they promised me we would turn out just fine.

as if that's the only way to deal,
not teaching me how to feel.
a child who grew up with nothing but confusion
since the beginning, though, i knew there was an illusion.
hidden in between these late phone calls
and the lingering scent coming from his room
i was calmly waiting to bloom.

this kind of pain i've grown used to,
it has turned me into a selfish love seeker
torturing myself until i'm nothing but weaker,
and maybe that's what this demon wishes
the blindess of youth
stuck on its roots.

playing dumb is an end game
but me, too, have learnt how to turn pills into closed eyes
and how to turn love into a calculative mind.

i can't save you anymore
it doesn't matter because i never swore.

There are not enough ways to express how much I crave the sound of silence
Whichever being felt it proper to play games with my brain,
Treat it as a fleshy chessboard
With pieces abound,
Always pushing between responsibility and chaos,
Will I ever curse you,
For I cannot ever escape the chatter that comes with your calculative moves.

No thoughts flow as I type,
Yet there is this infinite flow of words to write,
And none of them sound coherent.
Is this thinking?
But I understand naught a single thing.

Sleep is calling,
I refuse to pick up,
But the song that plays reminds me
I need a refresher, a new day,
Or I'll be stuck on this path a long way,
Before the thoughts behind these thoughts
Make me human as I have been.

Thoughts, like whispers in the wind,
Sometimes carry burdens, hard to mend.
We speak our words, yet meanings bend,
For hearts and minds don't always blend.

To share one's thoughts, a risk it seems,
A vulnerability that often gleams.
Yet, honesty sometimes beams,
Like stars that shine, yet distant dreams.

We filter words, a calculative art,
To shield our souls, to manipulate each part.
But in our minds, a world apart,
A different truth, a separate start.

How can we bridge this frequency gap,
And find a way to truly grasp
The hidden depths and the monstrous scraps,
That lies beneath our saintly cap?

How shall I measure you, Time?
What is the answer to your riddle and rhyme?
   Is it the hours appearing on a clock,
   Or when it's filled by many ships a dock?
Is it the second hand moving slowly 'round,
Or the nighttime bells when they sound?

Do I dare to trust time with my fate,
To place myself in his hands great;
    Or would I be better off to entrust
    Myself to God, Who made me from dust,
And thereby get to know Time's business better
As I go about my business to the letter?

I ask, Is Time my friend
Who will stick with me to the end,
    Or just a veiled hoax, a cloaked heathen, whose
    Only duty is making sure I pay my dues?
Calculative contemplation is needed, for, the time is
Getting late!  Am I, or am I not, his?

Time, you are a dimly understood figure.
Your myriad shapes are of a mysterious nature.
     Come and go as you please,
     I am left to pay the fees.
Responsible for light and night,
Why, you change so often! are you my right?

i heard of a shadow,
in an empty room
full of intentions,
still they're like a rainy day
still deciding how grey it wants to be.

i picked the corner of a world,
where my square ideas were vaguely
valued; a child who thinks out of the box
i stored a piece of myself in the closet
of my parent's skeletons;
ancestry artifacts burdened by a
generational chain,- the attire of a uniform
conversation; pretending i had a
good day at school today.

"no i didn't cry as much in class,
as i usually do, dearest mother
i did try to make a pass on math on being
calculative, on how i spent my day,
busiest father."

"as i bullied a bully before he could
make me his next victim
cutting him short a few generations
when i kicked him in his *****."

and i only cried, not out of guilt,
but to guilt everyone else, as to make it
seem as if it wasn't entirely my fault.

still even if it had not rain that day,
i'd still ask myself why my tears
felt so grey that day

The Dust
Here and there
a lot of dust has been spread
in the form of mischievous thoughts
as well as conspicuous material.
Now it is your choice to select or reject.
Friend! Do not make your brain simply like a dustbin.
Because you are a special soul
who has taken birth to win
in spite of difficulties and living in a cunning and calculative world.
You must keep yourself away from the dust and dusty persons.
It can damage your persona.

The crowds cheer
As their Queens rose
Queens who have met on the same ground,
And throw their mortarboards in conjunction.

The first Queen
Bright and creative
In this small campus
Always ready to speak her thoughts

Yet, she was cornered
By big and scary obstacles that seemed to pick on her
They took her joy and hands
And pushed her through the rough surfaces of paper

The second queen
Witty and quiet
In this small campus
Her books always opened with knowledge

Yet, the weight of others
made her heavy like a raincloud
A grey cloud filled with water
Not able to let itself pour

The Third Queen
Calculative and patient
In this small campus
Her skills exceed those of the lads

Yet, her different ways of thinking
Becomes her foe
With its flames burning her skin
She can never put them out

The Fourth Queen,
Active and selfless
In this small campus
Her boldness appears 

Yet, her vision of friends
Drifting away
Because she cannot fit in
Crumples her into her shell

The Fifth Queen
Royal and grace
In this small campus
Her steps grows a garden of golden flowers

Yet, she faces the ugly truth 
A mirror that reflects
She sees hundreds of lies
Of her beautiful face

The five of them
Having them back to back
Realised that they have each other
To fall on 

Now, they have grown
Into a black and white star,
Into a white and fluffy cloud
Into a black and orange mask
Into a blue and pink diamond
Into a blue and white cat

Now they rule
A land with drawings coming to life
A land that ideas run far and free
A land that cats could jump and live in bliss

The Queens of Cats
A symbol worth remembering
Throw at us what you want
Because we have experienced it all!