Am i pretty enough?
Do i need to change?
Does my wieght satisfy you?
We are all stuck in an abusive relationship
Because when we free ourselves from society
We are the ones who bring negative words
Whether your beautiful or not someone judges you
Whether it be yourself or
The world we live in
We stay in this abusive relationship becaue
We think theres no way out
And im afraid there's not

Before I became a woman, life was just a collection of childish adventures
Playing "ten-ten" in the evening, oblivious to the chickens coming home to roost.
"Always" was just another word and the only cramps I experienced
were those that resulted from climbing too many trees.
Barry was just "the boy with the big head"
and Joseph was my "play-play" husband.
"Hide and seek" was not a game of hearts
and cartoons always had a moral lesson.
*** was an example of a "three letter word" and life was so simple without having to wear a bra.
Before I became a woman,
fathers were always the men and wives were always women.
Nobody confused those roles becaue
"Ali" was always the boy and "Simbi" was the girl
"Adam was to Eve" as pencil was to eraser.


Before I became a woman,
foolishness was not sold on TV because the truth was preached in black and white.
A ten year old was still her mother's baby  not bride of bearded old man.
Children were going to be leaders of tomorrow,
"Twerk" was not an example of a verb
because Hannah Montana still had her clothes on.
The boys didn't stop to stare and tease because I was unripe for harvest.
Sunday school was about "How the fish ate Jonah"
and not about Salem my newest "crush."
Before I became a woman,
I wanted to marry a doctor, pilot, Jack Sparrow,
or the boy next door.
Then I grew up...


When I became a woman,
Life took on a new meaning
A collection of choices and decisions.
The boys didn't want to play no more and mama said I had to be lady.
Sally and Amina didn't want to talk anymore because puberty had reared its head
and boys were more interesting than our games of old.
When I became a woman,
I learnt about purpose and the ills of society
I stepped back and saw that little girl gradually fade away.
I did not try to run after her, her part in my life was  over.
I watched her go with a mixture of pain and happiness
I stepped into my woman suit and made my own mistakes.
I cried my own tears and bandaged my own wounds
I knew now that life was only fair to those who never gave up.


Now lipsticks and mascara have replaced a lot of play things.
Now I am woman and I want to marry ambition, guts and a man who is not too proud to believe in God.
Now I am a woman but no  child is still a leader.
Now I am a woman and I own my mistakes
Now I am a woman and I am not afraid to love, live or pray.
Now I am a woman but I have more than a figure eight.
Now I am a woman and I understand my mother better.

I pray for you young girl,
may you have the courage to wave childhood goodbye
when the sounds of womanhood begin to reach your ears
May you be brave enough to miss a game of hopscotch
so you can catch a train to destiny.
And when you are ripe for marriage
may you not look for a man that will validate your existence.
Put away childishness as you wait for that boy
that has become a MAN WHEN YOU BECOME A WOMAN.

#EchoesOfChildhood #PoemsForTheYoungMe #Womanhood #Love #Live #Play #MoveOn #Energie

Everything around me
Keeps me coming back to you.
I'm a lost puppy
Wandering in the woods
And I'm a hopeless case
When you're not around.
And I can't tell if this is admirable
Or sick but I'm only happy by your side.
The anxiety boils in my veins
And taints my mind
When you're so far away.
I fear for your safety daily
Because of past violences
And pill poppers
And self destroyers;
You're the only sane person I know in this world.
My guardian angel,
My one and only
Savior and protector.

I pretend to be a hardass by cutting my hair short
And smoking a cigarette a second
But it's only becaue Bruce Willis was safe
Climbing vents is Die Hard
So long as he had a gun in one hand
And an import smoke
Twisted in the knuckle of the other.
I am a lost transmission
And all of these words
Are just different combinations of twenty six letters
That could never encompass all you mean to me.

I am not a hardass,
I'm a pop princess
Longing for a God
But I am too intelligent to believe in one.

When did it become the norm for teens
To turn into Holden Caulfields
And when did I realize at first
That I see things other don't
And often suffer because of it?
It's like when I walked out of that theatre tonight
I was reminded what real life was
And promptly found myself again at the hand of anxiety.

I am not a monster
But this is a rant
Because I can't go a day
Without wondering why I'm still here.
With me
It is no depressive item,
I am only wanderlost.
How do people live past 25
When the world I live in is demented
And scary
And I am so, so
Small.

I breathe.
I am released.
But the air I fill my lungs with is heavy like lead
And I can only picture myself
Sinking to the bottom of the lake
Because my boots are too heavy
And I have decided to dive in headfirst.

I am a fool.
I am a disgusting imagined facet
And I am lost.
I am not thinking rationally tonight
And for that I thank only God Himself
Because I know He's ******* me up for a reason
But that reason might as well be for naught.

For I am no saint,
But a sinner.
Yes, I give little girls faith in themselves
By explaining to them that just because
They are ten years old
That does not mean they are not kick *** people
Because MegaMan was ten
When he was trying to ignore
****** puns from Cutman
And the same idiosyncrasies
And the same existentialist suicidal ideals
I try to ignore today.

I told my father today
That I wish I would have tried ditching school
Because then I would have felt as though I had
Even the smallest bit of control over my fate.
But I am so, so
Small.

I know the school
And everyone in it
Would not have noticed me go.

I know the world
And everyone in it
Would not notice me if I were to go.

You have no idea how long I thought about that letter.
Or how many rough drafts I wrote, noted, and then ripped up.
Or how badly i thought I would throw up on the way there.
And did you notice how much I was shaking? and for a moment I forgot that anything had changed. That we don't speak anymore.
Then I left, still shaking, but I wish I could have, somehow, still been there.
Known what your parents said when the door slammed shut. Known what you did.
Did you look at them right away? or wait until you fixed your sleepy hair?
Did you walk into the kitchen because your mom wanted to see them? Spill them out onto the counter and she picks up the blue envelope and say, "What's this?" or did you run up to your room-up the stairs and to the right- close the door, sit on your bed, and pull them out carefully and gently?
Were you surprised when you pulled out the envelope? or did you just know that that's how I am?
Did you want to read it? or were you scared?
I wish I could have seen you open it, because I think I can imagine your careful fingers.
But not your eyes. I wish I could have seen your eyes. Because eyes are the windows to the soul and one time your soul was in love with mine.
Did you think , "oh, lined paper. that's just like her."? because that's what the point was.
Was the amount of "I'm sorry"s too much? or appreciated?
And what did you think when you turned it over? Did it make you hate me? or think of me?
Did you have to read it more than once to take it in?
And after you folded it back up, is it sitting on the table next to your bed? or maybe in the drawer or in a wallet or a box or a secret place that no one knows?
Did you relive our memories? or have you already blocked those out of your mind?
Did you fight back the urge to text me about it? or did you just already never want to speak to me again?
And I dont know why, but you told your friends about the letter but not what was in it.
Not waht it said. And if I could know one thing, it quite possibly could be why you didn't tell them what I had said.
Was it becaue you didn't want her to find out?
Was it to protect me from her?
or was it because it was special to you?
That, even though we are not together and we don't want to be and nothing will ever happen, nor should it, you feel the same way and there's still something there for you too?
Was it on your mind the whole day? or was it easy to forget?
and was your tweet at 1:32 a.m. about me?
Can I just pretend it was anyways? because it makes me feel better.
Do you miss talking?
I miss talking.
I miss you bringing me Mountain Dews and going to Roxberry every Monday night for three weeks and Zupas and doing homework together and Stairway to Heaven and taking two hours to say goodnight and shooting stars and talking about Paris and wanting to drop out of school and run away and Disneyland- Man do I miss Disneyland!- and California and watching the color show with your arm around me and Soaring Over California and you pushing me in your dad's wheelchair and holding hands and running to get onto the Ferris Wheel on time and you went in one of the nonswinging carriages for me and overlooking all of the park and I wanted you to kiss me but I was scared and we rode the Little mermaid ride with me a million times and we rode the teacups and you rode Dumbo with me and I felt like a little girl again and you walked through Sleeping Beauty's castle with me cause I love it so much and you got so scared when that little guy jumped out and I really liked you then and letting you drive my car and blasting music when it rains and going to concerts and you letting me choose the radio stations and going to Thanksgiving Point and you hating that salad that I loved and cuddling on my lawn in the freezing cold and "what would you do if I fell asleep right now?"  "I dunno. I'd probably stay here." "Good." and yeah it was a full moon and you sneaking out cause I was scared to death but you got caught and your mom was mad and I had to make cookies and write a note and I think she really hated me and my sparkly Paris shirt that got glitter all over you and "What should I write a poem about?" cause you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to ask that and hanging out with you and Thomas and how you couldn't figure out how to use the library and your truck and making bets on football games and helping you with your eagle project and I didn't know anyone that was there so I talked to your mom and then I stayed over probably for too long and we looked up music on iTunes and we never stopped texting and you making me muffins and trying to steal my phone and read it and how you told me that I made you want to be a better person and that you told me that you think I'm a good singer and how much you hated edamame but I don't know why and you always wanted me to try sea food and listen to your music and how you let me just come over and vent and cry to you when I was in a fight with my mom and I told you I wasn't going home and I would sleep in my car and you told me I could sleep in your basement and how understanding and kind you were.
and the only thing I can still say is I'm sorry.

I'm reading your favorite
book right now.

I live for the days that you look at me
Some recognition that you know I exist.
It's not always worth it
Loving you

But then you smile
Or laugh
And I know
Its worth it.

Even if you never see me,
Or never learn my name
I know yours,
And I won't forget it anytime soon.

I live for you
And its scary,
Because you don't know I live at all

But its okay.
Becaue I somehow survive.
And its okay.

date me
bring me home to your mom and dad
let them talk about me when i go to the bathroom
nonchalantly tell your friends how you can't stop thinking about me
but make it seem like you aren't really shook by your feelings
write it down
write down how you feel
tell me how you feel
be honest with me
FALL FOR ME
make it hurt
let me in
bring me there
show your brother pictures of me to see if he approves
even though you don't really care if he does or doesn't
just ******* give me a real chance
come sleep in my bed and kiss my neck
and when i start to cry becaue i am emotionally overwhelmed
by how much i feel for you
just tell me you'll ******* stay

Because I care.
That's why I'm here.
Because I'm here.
That's the reason I care.
Never unestimate this.
Because, because, because it's true.

There are mutiple reasons to loving you.
There are mutiple days, when I'm thinking of you.
Because, because, because I do.

What if?
I said I didn't.
Then I have to explain.

Let's just keep it real.
Have you near to me is a big deal.
Because, becaue, because you love me.

i can hear them now -those sirens, those bells,
and all the girls in our uniforms, hollow and brave,
and how we sometimes feel so alive, and sometimes so, so tired,
those ones who ask questions, and the ones who just leave,
and we’re both of those and we’re so brave,
and i think our eardrums are going to break.

every night, pick me up and we’ll go home,
but oh wait sweetheart, we can’t because we’re so young and so ******* busy.
like i said -i’m dying but i’ve never felt more alive, more happy,
or more tired. life has never been like this
-and i love these dreams, because right now they're blowing my way
did i also mention i love you?
i love you.

you know, you know, each hug is fragile,
broken glass shattering and putting itself back and becoming beautiful,
and thats me. you’re all soft words, and eyes like mine but all the more cunning,
but you’re braver than you know, and you’re a mystery.
and with every touch, i think of what would happen if we were hungrier,
that maybe, if we were hungrier we’d solve that mystery,
or i’d solve you.

always, always so worried. too worried to make a masterpiece,
but somehow you say i’ve made masterpieces of words, and i’m waiting for yours,
but i think you’re unlucky, because even though i’m so afraid of my muses,
they drive my hands, my brushes, my pens, these things that make you softly open your mouth,
and oh how i want to trace those lips. i wonder if you want to trace some other girl’s lips.
because there is no way you love me the way i might love you.
if i love you. i’m so lost in this.

more than anything, i think, i’d want something for myself.
so many muses, so many friendships, so many lovely people,
but yet all i want is only another kind of love. your kind. because you know what we could be?
every night, i’m trying to spend more and more time with you.
and if we were ever next to each other, i’d like to hold hands and gaze at the stars with you.
oh no -i’ve said too much. i wish with all my heart (futilely?) that you know who you are,
please tell me.

and these sirens keep sounding in my head, and i’m wondering if i’m losing my life,
because we should have each other, at those games, with those hollow brave girls,
with those dancers, and alone to dance to our own songs, and in our words.
we’d write each other, or perhaps you’d draw me, i’ve always wanted that.
anyway, this is just another schoolgirl’s dream becaue she should be focusing
-but she knows she needs something to do other than focus, someone to love,
and right now, it’s you.

Have you ever love someone
Until you let them go, you just basically give them what they want? And even not a single second thought to kept them, just becaue you want them to be happy even though it might hurt you

Have you ever love someone
That you wish you were someone else, just because they said they couldn’t love you because you’re just being you. You wish you were someone else so they can love you back.

Have you ever love someone
That you feel you are just a spare tire, they call you just when they need you, never be the first choice? But yet you’re always there when they need you

Have you ever love someone
That you don’t even have any courage to be the one to ask them first? Just because you’re thinking that maybe they’re with someone else and you are nothing but a disturber.

You never think about your happiness, you never think that maybe you worth more, you never think that you deserve better than that, you wish you never know them. And you’ll drown in your thoughts, the only place that you feel a little better. To wrote your own story.

There's a tear on my cheek
It's for you
The plans we made
They didn't go through
There's a tear on my cheek
And the pain won't settle
The happiness we shared
Went to hell though
There's a tear on my cheek
That is filled with sorrow
I gave you my love
but you only borrowed
There's a tear on my cheek
That I whipe away
Becaue im a new woman
Starting today

You are like a shooting star
so beautiful, it makes you happy
yet so illusional it makes you mad.

You could possibly make me happier
happier than anybody else
but at the same time you make me angry
you make me mad, you make me go insane

becaue even tho´ I know the words you say are true
I don´t want to hear them
because it scares me how good you know me
how well you understand me

believe me when I say you are special
the way you think
you talk
you act

And you will always hold a special place in my heart
the problem with you is that you know me
but you don´t know yourself
or maybe you do
but then you are lying to yourself

you created yourself a different reality
but you will never accept that
because even tho´you are good in nearly everything
accepting the truth is not your strength

I know you will also never accept your beauty
but let me tell you
you got the most beautiful eyes I´ve ever seen
the most kindful hands I ever touched
and the loveliest mind I could find.

I hope you find happines in yourself.

I really like yogurt.

You're just sinew and bones
With a dash of soul
But you wreck me.
You're a taste of everything
I can't have
Because my mind runs in circles
And I'm too enthralled
To stop it.
I watch your body move
And your mouth dance
Around words that
Make my knees go weak.
But I only half believe them
Becaue you're on another planet
Far from the island to which I've swam.
And I watch life go by
With my past a broken record
And I tell myself that's
No excuse because we all have them.
So I'm back to wondering
If there's something I'm missing
And if everyone else feels the same way.
But your lips on mine
And my tongue on your chest,
I'm sure crack would be jealous
Because you're just that infectious.
And without any warning at all,
I'm waiting for you to come to me,
Because I'm prideful and weak.
You really scare the **** out of me.

I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
Because tomorrow
is just what I want...
But what if this,
The beers and the jokes,
what if that's what I really want.
My smile says so but
My eyes betray me every time.
We're so close and so far
and I just need our us here.
How do I face this?
I mean tomorrow too.
I'm scared and lonely
And happy and soaring.
But it's just so incomplete.
And it flows, that feeling.
From the back of my eyes
To that point in my chest.
And I'm faking a smile.
Becaue that's what regretters do.
That stone hard resolution
won't let me change my mind,
even if my resolve is half hearted.
I knew getting close was such a bad idea.
Its so much easier to have no one to miss.
But I will.
All the same.
Because you've burrowed like a tick
and you're leeching the ailments
right from my soul.
US.
I will miss it.
So much.

Though I am above water
I Feel as if I am drowning
Though I am on land
I am spitting water out of me

But in my mind
The water is red
Bleeding heart or
Is my goodness leaving without me

Everyday a part of me dies
I’ve learned to like the solitude
People get tired of hearing my cries
There isn’t really much I can do

My heart is so heavy
And my shoulders just drop
Am I really asking for too much?
By begging it to ******* stop?

I’m lonely
I’m sad
I’m angry
It’s getting pretty bad.

I’m losing who I am
Only one part is left to save
But you’re too late
At my lonely 12 o’clock I’ll cave.

Goodbye beautiful me.
Hello protected soul
Today everyone thinks I’m fine
But tomorrow they will finally see me fold

The pills are my escape from you
I hear the bottle rattle in my head
My mother was an addict too
But I just take them to go to bed

At least, that’s what I tell people.

One time I took too many
It wasn’t an accident I swear
That’s actually how this habit started
Because my pain was just too much to bare.

This was never part of my plan but
These capsules make me numb
And I forget who I am
Or even Where I’m from

I finally laugh again
When my brain isn’t the same
These beautiful pebbles
Can definitely change the game

I don’t remember what happened to me
When I’m under their spell
I forget about the burning in my throat
From constantly yelling for help

I should be fine by now
It was a year ago after all
Maybe I’m trying too hard
Or maybe the pain doesn’t heal because you ******* tell it so.

Everyone is your friend at your funeral
But it’s vacant when you’re alive
I’m a downer at a party
They sense I have a different vibe

Maybe it’s becaue the last event
That I attended
Ended up being a traumatic
Fearful experience with you.

But you’re in prison now
And it shouldn’t be a problem for me
You got a small ******* sentence
That should be enough to set me free.

Right?

the world's people is like a box of choclates
if you take the right choclate it will be sweet and yummy
if you take the wrong one it leaves a bad taste in your mouth
just like people
some are really good to you
and some treat you like **** and you dont see it becaue it is your friend she would never do that to me but others sure see it
and some walk all over you and you just dont have the courage to get rid of them
and some of them are 2 faced lttle ******* who you honnestly cant stand but you ******* tollerate it for so long and sit back and think why did i let it get that far

I secretly want a big family
One that gathers at the dinner table
Each night
Night caps
Children I can truly know
A partner I can life my life with
The way we want to
Birthdays parties
Friends and family celebrating
Not becaue we have to
Because we want to celebrate each other
Celebrate the love in each of us

I miss being a child
When I had no boundaries,
And those around me had none of their own

We would drink each other in,
Our minds racing, probing,
Great sweeping limbs pressing into every corner,
Ink oozing into cracks and out of seams
And thunder peeling away layers like a bullet's exit through metal

We drank and drank,
Tipped cups of humanity
And spilled the vast consciousness of life down our chins,
Our throats, and soaking the shirts we wore,

And we learned,
Of each other
And of ourselves
And of the world.
A child's world, it now seems

I feel the press of adults.
I have not had a drink in so long
And I see this cup, one of existence and expanse,
I see it sitting so lonely in the center of my town square

People, adults, are everywhere, pushing
And forming a fountain of empty stone around it
Shuffling and averting their gaze

I feel like a sore spot,
My eyes are attached to the drink by fired harpoons
I cannot move them, I cannot move my head,
And I most certainly cannot move my body,
Where adults are streaming past me like water down a drain

Why don't they drink?
They must surely feel this feeling I feel,
Like bamboo shooting from my stomach
Like my mind rotting without the essence of life

They refuse to drink,
And becaue I am in this adult world,
I refuse to drink too

sometimes the poles of the earth dont quite line up
i know the physics of the situation doesnt reflect it
but ive seen it happen

if earth is the mother then who is her daughter
and is geomagnetism recessive
or is it more of an affordance
becaue sometimes i feel like ive been near her
like ive felt her gravity tugging at my skin
its hard to describe the way she says my name
when my eyes are tired and my limbs are heavy
i can never tell if its a misfire in my state of partiality
it always does feel like neurons colliding sideways
like rubbing a thistle backwards
but theres a certain charge in the air every second thursday of the week
there are moments of clarity in which i can taste the shift of atmospheric pressure
in which i feel such elusivity formed concrete so briefly
and in these moments i can just make out the reddened sky through my half lidded perceptions
my neck will prickle and my cheeks are always wet with tears but i can never pin exactly why
the trees beyond my window are no longer green
and theres someone at the door i think
but thats when i will fall asleep
i never meet the visitor i never see its face
at least i never quite remember when i wake
but my hands will have a certain texture on those mornings
and it doesnt really wash away but rather fades until i can no longer recall if it ever even happened or if finally i will break