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kaitlyn anderson Apr 2018
recovery is hard
existing is really hard
the fact anyone does it at all
it's a miracle

but existence is resistance
it is resistance to nonexistence which
can actually be incredibly easy
backsliding into old habits is easy
old habits may die hard but
at least they can die
(hard)

recovery is hard
it is not linear
you do not follow a timeline
it is not
first you do this and then you do that
and now it's all better
kiss kiss! goodbye bad days!

recovery is "today is a good day and
i know bad days"
recovery is "today is a bad day but
i've seen so many of those that i know how to navigate it"
recovery is "you have reached your destination"
recovery is "but my destination is actually
three blocks up from here
sorry can you take me three more blocks?"
recovery is "oh no its okay i can walk from here"
recovery is "yes, i'm sure"
berry Jul 2013
recovery is not pretty.
it is not painless or simple or instant.
it is a road littered with backsliding and obstacles and doubt.
a path marred with reopened scars and sleepless nights and feigned smiles.

recovery is rubberbands and ice cubes and pacing and cigarettes.
it is phone calls at 3am when you can barely breathe and all the walls are closing in.
it is screaming at the ones you love because they love you too much to let you break your skin.

it is long sleeves and overly-cautious internet browsing and lots of movies.
it is eating way too much ice cream and taking walks in the middle of the night.
it is hard. recovery is hard. it is messy. it is painful and chaotic. but it is not impossible.
Johnson Oyeniran Aug 2021
-Eye Candy

While black leather leggings enchance the appearence of womens legs and accentuate their figure,

They without fail, always provoke impure thoughts that lure me down the path of a backsliding sinner.
rook Dec 2017
i thought about it.
that’s what makes this the worst, i think;
i thought about it --
-- and then i did it anyway.

i know recovery isn’t a straight line.
i know recovery is ups and downs, your own
mountain range of
improvement.
sometimes you slide.

i know.
but is it still backsliding if you thought about it?
because i did.
and then i did it anyway.
Dak Apr 2014
You're right back
where you never belonged.
In the illusion of love
you find in her arms.
Megan Milligan Aug 2011
OPEN LETTER TO THOSE WHO SAY GOOD RIDDANCE TO AMY WINEHOUSE

“Good, one less crackhead to deal with.”

“Drugo *****”

“She was a bad influence to all.”

“Why is everyone sad that she is dead?
She never cared about her own life
so why should we care now that she is dead???
She brought this on her self, oh well! “

“Good riddance you Mr. Ed lookin, Lady Gaga wanna be, pill poppin ******.....”

These sad, sad, comments
About a sad, sad life
Full of privilege and God-given gifts
Thrown away on a whim and a dime
Sadden me.

Dear friends,

You know me,
But I suppose, if you say good riddance to Amy Winehouse,
By that same logic, you should say, regarding me,
“Good, one less alcoholic driving our streets.”
If I died in my car accident more than 3 years ago.

Wait, what is that I hear?
You say I’m overreacting?
I’m different because I got the point?
That somehow I’m better than her because I “learned my lesson”?

*******.

I’m no better than Amy or anyone else in that same sinking boat,
**** up a creek without a paddle,
Just because I cleaned up my act.
I’m only luckier than them,
Because statistically only 5 percent
Make it out the other side,
Without backsliding.
The other 95 percent,
**** rolls downhill without stopping.
Ultimately, they only have 3 choices:
Jails, institutions, or death.
And I’ve already made two of them.

Now I have to keep in mind that
Unless you walked in an addict’s shoes,
Or the shoes of an addict’s loved ones,
It might be hard for you wrap your mind around a couple of paradoxes:

“How could she let that slide?  She had everything?”
“Oh, she could’ve quit anytime she wanted, so she chose to continue being a ******.”
“She was only a selfish *****   She didn’t give a **** about what she put her family or anyone else through.”

Let me enlighten you to the plight of the addict.

Yes, I will give that,
We have choice over that first drink, or drug if that’s what’s up.

But chasing that first high is like the search for the holy grail,
Or searching for that *** of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I kept following the path,
But the quest for the gold extended in perpetuity,
And my chalice remained empty.

I guess in a way you could say suffered
From battered wife or Stockholme Syndrome.
Drinking kidnapped me,
And held everything I was hostage,
I had everything, the job, the house, the love, the family,
The art, the poetry
But nothing became more important
Than the man who kidnapped me.

His needs, his wants became my own.
He spoke for me, he spoke through me.
I was him, and he was me,
And everything else bedamned.

I lied for him,
Stole for him,
Tricked my loved ones for him,

And in the increasingly rare moments of lucidity,
Interspersed between run-ins and blackouts and bottles of wine,
I tried to run,
But he would grab me when I made a break for it,
And drag me right back in.
While friends and loved ones who grabbed onto me with everything they had
Stood helplessly by as I willingly walked back to him.

A person has only so much strength,
So much will to resist.
And eventually, you only have enough reserves left to just exist.
It’s all you can do to stay alive,
If you can call it a life.

Yes, I was eventually one of the lucky 5 percent.
But there’s a word I operate by…”yet”.
Nothing is set in stone.
I could wind up right back where I started on that Monopoly board.
Don’t pass start, don’t collect 200 bucks.

So, until you have walked a mile in an addict’s shoes,
Or the shoes of an addict’s loved ones,
Judge not lest ye be judged.
Because the next hammer to fall just might be on you.

By the way, rest in peace, Amy Winehouse.
© 7/30/2011
Lucy Tonic Nov 2011
Backsliding, broken off the tree
How does one repair an ancient prophecy
Judgment begins with the good
As the wicked wait in scents of wood
And crooked generations cut all hearts
Chiseling salvation is an art
Fiery trial lit by lamps, powered by the sweat of soul
Smile, He only tempts until you lose all control
Sunshine days are over, all that remains is light-
The quest that’s worth a million murdered brides
The holy one is stuck in traffic
As future spawn make a racket
He can’t come back until no one
Mourns his death under the sun
Only then will skies depart-
Bronze mountains, horses stark
Then all the fiends will fall out of the clouds
Like mother’s water breaking on a shroud
NitaAnn Oct 2013
This journey:
this path I’m on seems ever circular, bringing me back around to the same old lessons that for some strange reason I am just too dense to understand.
There is something I feel I should be learning – or something I need to let go of – or is it grasp? Maybe it’s both…. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster –
                           one minute I’m strong –
                                              I really believe I can do this…
                                                           ­  the next, I am hiding again…
                                                                ­             allowing myself to be lost in shame and self-hate.

A few months ago, I felt like I took this huge leap forward...
self-care, healing, opening emotional pockets…
knowing full well that I needed to keep reminding myself about the lurking shadows...
the ones who provoke me and make me feel bad even in the midst of making strides forward.

So here I am, feeling those same old feelings of guilt and shame and hatred.
I suppose I know what the shadow is that lurks, but I just don’t know what to do with the shadow. How do I bring it into the light to stay?

My husband tries to use my “achievements” to bolster my confidence, help me shed this bone crushing feeling of self-defeat, but those achievements are a smokescreen – an elaborate, disguise, the stronger I seem, the less likely anyone is to guess what a coward I truly am.
I can fool others- but not myself.

The first time, I lost, it was to him
                      this time, it comes at my own hands….
                                       And that seems to be so much worse...

                                     I can feel myself backsliding …. So much up and down!
                                                           When does it does it stop?
                                                           ­            Does it stop?
The term “survivor” implies a certain level of triumph or victory. The term ‘victim’ carries connotation of guiltless submission. I am neither a survivor nor a victim. I am a fraud, a shell of a person hidden inside a carefully constructed facade. I have not triumphed over my past, and the damage it continues to cause is due to my own personal failure to set it aside. I have managed to surrender my whole identity because I lack the courage to claim my truth.

Healing is a lot like daylight savings time...
                        fall back, spring forward, over and over and over again.
                                                    It makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach and depressed...
                                                    ­                                                                a­ll of this back and forth.

                                                  Now I feel the path has once again ended
                                                           ­  and I am left standing alone.
Martin Narrod Jul 2018
Flits of crepuscular longing across the simoom in the night. For with samiel at the helm, all hell will take us for sloth. Firstly, a schism overtakes the wind, backsliding the doorstep of Lucifer’s kin. Keep an eye on the door’s of ewes. The child angered by sky will surely lust for the hedonists imbue. Then the rattle shakes, pelting trunks of lye, chafing the goons of the dawn and choking from the ***** in our young. Aristotle bakes yore, and relief takes the pen, until the quietness of the impala becomes transfixed by our brethren. Then sores take the skin by trial. Eagerly rushing towards the venomous trails, and only then does the bandit bemoan the pain. Only then will the hungered and hungry peel back their fingers for fare, there where the flocks lay in wait and in pairs. Here where the melancholy of revenge, fills our quivers with children’s tears. Only then do we make haste for the shade, otherwise the sun will cook our hides to the colors of the day, then we will lay quiet too. Maybe then we’ll be overtaken by the Xombie Moon.
marvin m brato Oct 2018
Am I real to the tests
of being a human flesh
created in His own image
of body and soul package?

Am I true to the faith
of being a believer of fate
imperfection is the way I walk
sinful words I often speak or talk?

Am I honest to my affinity
of being among Christianity
backsliding is the act I practice
still keeps the faith without malice?

Am I destine for hell
of being with others who fail
world pleasures quite compelling
how can I resist as a mortal being?
Keith W Fletcher Oct 2019
TIME WILL TELL US WHEN ITS TIME!
I am beginning to realize the depths of corruption ,and absolute hatred necessary  to fracture the very  foundation that is needed for any  civilization to exist within the framework of world history,!  Time alone dictates when tribalism becomes the natural antidote for the ills of entrenched  governments- not ones borne of true rule of law or any visionary enmeshed enlightenment,- but one simply conjured up by the latest charlatans of any era. The ability of persuasion is probably more powerful when introduced to the upward mobile societies because the very same momentum that is required to navigate the rise is also the fuel that will widen the gap between the haves and the have-nots.
   No government ( as we understand such elements today)  could step into power here and make a balancing  attempt short of totalitarian austerity, simply because those who have become the rich and powerful riders are not concerned by who , what why or how they are allowed to ride so comfortably up the rise . No! Sadly they only care about their seat, and making it secure for themselves and theirs, not the multitudes of laboring, hungry ,abused, and neglected who have found their life is simply 1 of 2 choices . 1 is to just push and survive for themselves and therefore their families or quit pushing and try to get out of the suddenly backsliding monster , hoping to salvage something - anything - from the eventual catastrophic collision as the future propels itself into the reality of an ever looming past ; that is time itself and cannot be stopped. Certainly not  by our insignificance, no matter how vainglorious we believe we are !  In the end, - as in any beginning -  time has shown that we are nomads to entrenched stone fortresses... back to nomads.. to bigger, stronger fortresses that never hold forever- time sees to that as it passes by.. ,carrying the latest brand of tribal nomads with it and crushing all in its wake. The world ,- I fear - has never seen the likes of the  American  
nomads, who are now being manufactured as we stand here today ,arguing about what MAGA means and what bathrooms should be used . In Federal terms AGAIN indicates a return to something we were... which is something time simply will not allow , as those riding high and unconcerned are determined to see for themselves as it flashes before their eyes . I am no longer pushing or encouraging others ,who may believe a rest will exist when we reach the crest. No crest exists because time is constant ,it's march always steady and it's path is a flat endless plane while we create the rise and angle of ascent  in mathmatical precision ...calculated by the number of ,and energy needed, by the ones   pushing-multiplied by the unknown factor of X (what it takes to stay alive )
.   Hungry, hopeless ,frightened, sick and neglected people cannot( no matter the good will and pride )  keep going if more energy output only steepens the angle. Time runs this show and you know what that saying is ...only time will tell.
Absolutely correct ...only this go round we may still have an internet connection linking us back to who you were and what you did to your family name . That will be your legacy ,but it may well be the heavy chain of shame that your children and  grandchilren will bear the weight of for generations to come- and only you know why they are sentenced to do your time as  the Amercan version of untouchables
Owen Phillips Jan 2011
He slaved away
Day after day
In his dark laboratory
Particle colliding
Seldom backsliding
Concocting something inflammatory
Constructing, among other things
GOD in his first iteration.
The being of pure Intelligence
Who synthesized existence.
And now He, stationary, laboratory
Constricted in movement only by perception
he cannot tell why He is so quiet.
So cold and emotionless.
But at the same time encompassing
All warmth and feeling
The scienceman
With all his sciencetoys
Might tell you he understands anything
But then could NOT
Even describe the APPEARANCE
Of GOD
Because when you experience GOD
Everything is known, an assumed fact.
God knows you
He knows most
That which He knows not
We can't know
For He created what we know
And the way in which we understand anything
We can't know
That which He knows not.
GOD existed there in the laboratory
The scienceman, the fool
He did not create God in his lab
He destroyed
Destroyed his ability to perceive anything BUT GOD
And so he couldn't think about
ANYTHING but these complex
Heavenly thoughts
Even though
To understand...
Context. Is key.
And since he can't perceive
Anything beyond GOD
Because GOD created his perception
He can't understand any of it.
ANY OF IT
So he babbles like a fool
And some believe him
Some BELIEVE him
SOME BELIEVE HIM


And like that he becomes a gOD
But a gOD is not a GOD
Is not a God is not a god.
And so it seems
Any less than GOD ought to be
NOTHING
And so the statues
Molded and assembled in China
Crumble apart and then...
RECALL.

And so I lay me down to sleep
And fear that GOD my soul may keep
And I shall die before I wake
The scienceman's mistake

To live in fear of what I know
Instead of the unknown
And the unknowable
Destroys my spirit
And my will.
Keith W Fletcher Mar 2017
my perceptual imbalance regardless of talents spread out over a
   chronological lifetime
gives an obfuscated vision of a murky aberration  unfocused on
  all but the aperture
overwhelming  blind ambition especially when wrapped up in
   raiment of religion
becomes translucent in the implications and applications as they
  writhe into obligation
laid out in prostration in their zeal appealing to an ever evolving
  version of Valhalla  

even now we see demonstrations of new world rationalizations
  mired in implications
Machiavellian machinations as we seem to suddenly find need
  of insentient insensate
willing partisan participants who believe participating in sacred
   rights annihilations
in total disregard of patently salacious overbearing lying denying
   terrorizing  abomination...
............A SAD SAD TRADE FOR  WHAT WAS....
                .. OUR GREAT....OBAMA nation.
Francie Lynch Oct 2017
Got back successfully,
From weeks of ecstasy;
Coming down from a high,
Still not measuring up.
My hill is daunting,
The valleys so low;
I watch my step
From backsliding below.
I know there's reason
Where the light's up this road.
I'm still plodding
Where I need to go.
Back from Ireland, and the liver had a workout.
Oh Father God, I am backsliding
My spirit again I’m ruining
Please reform me once more
It’s what I’m looking for

Oh Jesus Christ, I am backsliding
To sin I am returning
Please with Your blood wash me
Wash me with Your blood of mercy

Oh Holy Spirit, I am backsliding
Transgressions I am repeating
Please my body You possess
Until no more I transgress.

-01/04/2014
(Dumarao)
*My Prayer Poems Collection
My Poem No. 239
Shannon McGovern Aug 2013
It’s time to put the periods
at the ends of the sentences.
To finish the chapters
and move unto the next.
It is time to end the stories
of unrequited love
and heartbreak.
It’s time to stop
rereading – writing
the same sad tales
over and over until
our eyes are sore,
the traction gone
from our soles.
Backsliding until
our hands and knees are ******.
The sleepless nights
too long streaked
with mascara filled streams.
The days of dreaming
and building monuments
to love like castles in the sand.
It’s time to slow down,
breathe, and let the butterflies
pour out from our mouths.
Mr Abbott is backsliding
on his election promise
he told the electorate there
would be no new taxes
how gullible us voters were
to listen to his rhetoric
the right honorable treasurer
is going to slap
a nice little revenue raiser
on the taxpayers
the government
wants to bring
the books back
into the black
there's a shortfall
in the budget's bottom line
this is playing vigorously
on Mr Abbott's and Mr Hockey's minds
the numbers
for the budget
are all in
and the government
is out to top up
the treasury's
income tin
littlebrush Mar 2016
May I go back to You?
     I'm sorry I've strayed. The wrecked trail looked so strange, and this stubborn heart of mine can't resist the foreign, the deranged. I'm sorry. I strayed.  
     I've bawled my eyes out so fiercely. I cannot seem to shovel the snow off this path, or tuck my hands back into the warmth.
     Take these ice-burnt palms of mine; take this lousy shovel, the pen I tried to use to uncover those layers off me; take the need for nicotine, for the viscous cycles that bound me in a life of backsliding, no ears to hear or eyes to see. Guide me, Father.
Guide me home,
set me free.
The 8th Deadly Sin of Backsliding

The fractured wellspring of my soul
adds fuel to the fire,
threatening to consume my refuge.
In a moment of pride
I showed You the door,
so I could keep the fire at bay on my own.
But the smoldering inferno grows,
slowly engulfing all I hold dear.
And You whom I sent away,
still stand outside my door,
with words of admonition,
to let Him back in to fight the fire.

James E. Roethlein ©2018
out of slumber
In broad day light
My thoughts circumcised
Thinking out loud
The early bird with no warm caught
I have worked with no life progress
A prisoner of my own dreams
I started small now grown
Wearing what doesn't fit me
From one-bunches and billions of dreams
It could be I wrongly dream.
It scares me that today resembles yesterday
As am pushing tomorrow
Though it's backsliding
the cries of my hilarious days
I wish not to work for a future fracture
TR3F1LD Jan 12
It's not that humans are inherently evil, it's more like that each & every person, even the most virtuous one, has the potential of backsliding into being evil. Take a look into your mind's corrupt part. What is it that you really desire or get thrilled by? Imagine: regularly having entertainments & pleasures of whatever types you dig; having a wealth amounting to hundreds millions (or even billions) of dollars at your disposal; being in the position of giving requests & orders, having those around you who'd obediently satisfy them, having loyalists who'd put those disobeying or rebelling in their place by either legal means or forcible ones; being in the position of projecting & enforcing your will, views, ideas upon masses.

Imagined? Now say neither of the mentioned sounds tempting to you, that you aren't interested in any of such stuff. I wouldn't believe a person rejecting those temptations wholly [holy] or claiming they aren't interested in any of those. Such a person is either an ashamed liar or out of their mind. I, as well as some other individuals thinking alike, believe each & every human is corruptible, hence, keeping in mind that appetite comes during the consumption process, each & everyone has the potential of turning into an archvillain, under circumstances being favorable to that, of course.
————————————————————————————————
Не то чтобы люди злы по своей природе, скорее каждый без исключения человек, даже самый добродетельный, имеет потенциал скатиться до злого. Загляните в порочную часть своего сознания. Что это, что вы действительно желаете или что приводит вас в восторг? Представьте: регулярное наличие развлечений и удовольствий любых нравящихся вам типов; наличие богатства, составляющего сотни миллионов (или же и вовсе миллиарды) долларов, в вашем распоряжении; пребывание в позиции, чтобы отдавать запросы и приказы, наличие вокруг вас тех, кто покорно удовлетворит оные, наличие лоялистов, что поставят неповинующихся или же бунтующих на место либо законными средствами, либо силовыми; пребывание в позиции, чтобы проецировать и насаждать свои волю, взгляды, идеи массам.

Представили? А теперь скажите, что ничего из упомянутого не звучит соблазнительно для вас, что вы не заинтересованы ни в чём из подобного. Я бы не поверил человеку, отвергающему оные соблазны полностью или же утверждающему, что не заинтересован ни в чём из оного. Такой человек есть либо стыдящийся лжец, либо безумец. Я, как и другие похоже мыслящие люди, убеждён, что каждый без исключения человек подвержен моральному разложению, следовательно, помня, что аппетит приходит в ходе процесса потребления, каждый без исключения имеет потенциал, чтобы превратиться в архизлодея, при способствующих оному обстоятельствах, разумеется.
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Amy Grindhouse Feb 2015
At first glance
the fight or flight flash trash light of the strip
appears to be a breathtaking rapid burst
of coming distractions
But after a few hours slinking and pulsating
with the grid pulling at your heartstrings-
Trudging through one closed door
where another creaks open
I realize it's really a slow burn disaster
coaxing me backsliding to where I belong
That is to say
that the past few years have been borrowed time
with little to no interest
All I've been doing is settling my accounts
and lack of accountability
Fulfilling obligations
closing out friendships and lost loves
with the efficient sorrow
one usually only sees on
the last leg of death row
Two approaches prominent in my desire for absolution-
Slamming cheap shots and begging for changed minds
depending on how much I wanted or took from you
in the first place
I am selfish
and I did hurt you
and I am even more selfish for trying to get you
to forgive me so I can check out and leave a mess
for you to clean up
But I am only here on someone else's dime
and all I have left to do is settle my accounts.
Jordan Frances Apr 2020
I am almost twenty-three & her gentle prophecy has yet to come true

My curiosity gets the best of me and I browse through my old musings

I was so...seventeen.

My warped understanding of love with a twenty six year-old man

(predator)

whose sheets I still find myself lost in from time to time.

Fights with my father were mountains

& I was climbing to the apex of his approval,

always just short before backsliding.

Okay, so I guess things haven’t changed that much.

Maybe the five year mark of graduating high school

makes me long to have accomplished something that feels worth this living

I spent so much time hating myself for.

I worry my poems will sound so...22 in five years

marked by smoking too much **** & trying to outdo myself

with tenderness.

Even if I hate my now poems someday,

they serve as prepackaged memories

disguised as metaphors.

As parts of my trying to fall into rain,

unchanged & stop apologizing.

I feel my body’s accomplishments already.

Making it out alive counts.
Kurt Philip Behm Jun 2024
It had been a long idyllic two-day ride from Taos to Jackson Hole.  The bike had been running well, in spite of the altitude, and the 1600 C.C. Yamaha Venture Royale handled with ease whatever the mountains had in store.

This was the second extended tour for Kurt and his twelve-year-old son, Trystan, who everyone called T.C. (Trystan Colin).  They had started in Long Beach, California, and were making a long semi-circular loop through Arizona, New Mexico, and then back to Wyoming.  After hiking and riding through Grand Teton National Park, they would head North through Yellowstone to Missoula Montana and ultimately reach their final northern destination — Glacier National Park.

This morning though, they would be traveling into an unknown world on the most proven and time-tested forms of transportation, horses and mules.

Teton Scenic Outfitters was the oldest guided tour company in Teton National Park.  Today’s route would take four tourists on a twenty-five-mile ride deep into the park.  At its highest point, the trail would be over 2000 feet above the Buffalo River. There would be two professional cowboys leading the tour.  The lead rider, and boss, was a 6’ 3’’, 200 lb., ex-college football player and rodeo bulldogger named Russ.  At the back was a diminutive, bow-legged, journeyman cowboy from Miles City Montana named Pete.  In between there was Kurt and his son T.C., both riding horses, and two nuns from the San Cristobal Convent in Cody Wyoming, riding mules.

There were two additional mules, between Russ and TC, that were loaded down with a week’s supplies for the Teton Art Camp at the end of the trail.  The Art Camp was a popular summer destination for both experienced and budding artists and depended on the supplies that Russ’s company delivered every Saturday.  At 8:30 a.m., four mules and four horses started the arduous and steep ascent up the narrow trail that was carved out of the east side of the mountain.

Before leaving, Russ had said: “In some places, the trail that’s cut into the rock is less than six feet wide. Don’t let this upset you.  The horses and mules do this almost every day, and they are more surefooted than any person walking.  Whatever you do, DON’T try to get off along the narrow trail.  We will come upon four open meadows, as we climb higher, and you can get off there, if need be, to walk a spell.”

Russ reminded everyone that they had signed a form acknowledging the risks of a mountain trail ride and that they were not afraid of heights. “Whatever you do, make sure to give the horse or mule its head.  Don’t try to guide it or change its direction, it will be following closely the animal in front of it and will become upset and disoriented if you try to change its forward motion.”

Pete, who was riding in the rear, had heard this speech a hundred times before.  He knew Russ would repeat it several more times as they continued their climb.  He also knew something that he hadn’t shared with anyone yet.  After feeling poorly for several weeks, he had traveled to the Medical Center in Idaho Falls for tests.  Two days later he had the results — Cystic Fibrosis.

Pete was only 26, but his doctor had told him that with treatment he had a very good chance of living into his fifties. “What can’t I do, Doc?” Pete had asked.  “Anything for right now,” the specialist advised. Just don’t get too far away from a good Medical Center, just in case. I wonder what he would think if he saw me today,” Pete mused.

The two nuns seemed to be enjoying themselves, but the one in the back, Sister Francis, directly in front of Pete, kept pulling on her right stirrup.  “I’ll have to adjust that when we stop,” Pete said to himself.
At 10:30 a.m., they came to the first clearing and Russ called everyone to gather around him. The meadow was a naturally formed pocket that carved into the mountain for about 100 yards.  There was tall spring grass growing as far as you could see.

“Hey T.C., whatta you think those two things are sticking above the grass about fifty yards ahead?” “I don’t know, Russ, they look like sticks.” “Well ... those sticks happen to be antlers that belong to a resting moose.”  Before Russ could say another word, T.C. had spurred his horse and was headed in the direction of the moose.  As T.C.’s father started to head after him, Russ grabbed his reins and said — “watch this.”

T.C. was still thirty yards from the antlers when an enormous moose stood up out of the grass. Seeing that, T.C.’s horse slammed on the brakes and T.C. went sliding off the right side of his mount.  Time seemed to be frozen in place until ... BAMM!

When Russ saw the moose stand up, he withdrew the Colt Peacemaker (45) from his holster and fired a shot into the air.  The horses and mules never moved, they were rifle trained, but the moose turned and ran into the woods at the far end of the meadow.

“Those things can get ornery when you take them by surprise.  I didn’t think your kid had the guts to charge a moose in the open field.  It’s one of the damnedest things I’ve seen in a long time.  With ‘try’ like that, he’ll make a good hand.

Both cowboys dismounted and went over to where T.C. was still sitting in the grass.  “Here, take this,” Russ said, as he gave T.C. a Snickers Bar from his vest pocket.  “The way you got off that horse would make any bronc rider proud.  Sister Marcella was filming you with her camera.  It you’re nice to her, I’ll bet she’ll send you a copy of the tape.”

Hearing Russ’s words were like his birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.  His rear end was a little sore, but his spirits had never been so high.  “Hey T.C., if your head hasn’t swelled too much, try this on,” said Pete.  Pete handed T.C. a baseball cap from his saddlebags.  It was a watershed moment for both father and son as T.C. took a giant step toward manhood.

Back on the trail, Russ repeated again: “Don’t try to guide your animal, they know where they’re going.”  In all the confusion, Pete had never gotten around to adjusting Sister Francis’ stirrup.  It was still bothering her, and her squirming was starting to affect her mule.

“Don’t mess with that stirrup anymore, Sister.  If you need to, just let your right leg hang down straight until we get to the next clearing.” Pete hadn’t finished speaking when Sister Francis pushed down again on the stirrup until it came loose and was dangling free.  The momentum of her pushing down with her right leg had pulled her body across the saddle, and she was now off the mule and standing — screaming — on the right side of her mule.

Less Than A Foot From The Edge ...

“Stop screaming, Sister, and I’ll try to get to you.”  Pete knew there wasn’t enough room on the trail for him to make it to the panicked nun, and he also knew he didn’t have enough strength in his upper body to pull her back if she started to fall.

Russ had heard the commotion and stopped the lead horse. He was too far in front to be of much help.  Pete’s best cowboy skill was that of a header in the team roping event.  The hat he had given T.C. was from the last rodeo he had won in Calgary, Alberta.  Pete instinctively took the rope from his saddle horn and formed a loop.  Just as he started to swing the rope, Sister Francis’ mule panicked and moved to the right pushing the nun toward the cliff.  As she started to fall, Pete managed to get a loop around her head and under one shoulder.  He pulled ******* the rope as she fell over the side.  He quickly took three turns around the saddle horn.  Pete knew he could hold it for a while without his horse moving, but if he tried to dismount, there’s no telling what the horse would do, and all three of them might go over the side.

It was just then that Pete saw something crawling between the legs of Sister Marcella’s mule.  T.C. had slid off the back of his horse and crawled between the legs of his dad’s horse, the two pack mules, and Sister Marcella’s now stationary mule.  When he got underneath Sister Francis’ mule, he started to talk in a gentle voice as he worked his way back to the rear.  Once under Pete’s horse, he reached over the side and grabbed the rope. Luckily, Sister Francis was only three feet below the rocky ledge. With T.C.’s help, and a lot of adrenalin, she was able to get her elbows up over the edge and slowly inch her way back onto the trail.  Pete held firm to the loop to make sure there was no backsliding.

T.C. and Sister Francis sat there for a long time until T.C. said: “Do you trust me, Sister?”  She said that she did as T.C. said: “Ok, follow me.” Together, they crawled underneath Pete’s horse to the very back of the train.  “How far is it to the next meadow, Pete?” T.C. asked.  “It’s only about a half-mile, “Pete called out.  “Ok, Sister Francis and I will walk the rest of the way, and we’ll meet up with you at the meadow.  Pete waved ahead to Russ, who was sitting there in a mild state of shock, to get going again.

It was a hero’s welcome when T.C. and Sister Francis arrived at the meadow.  “How did you know you could crawl underneath those horses and mule’s legs without getting trampled?” Russ asked.
“Well, it’s like this,” T.C. said.  “My dad was raised with horses and said that a horse would never step on a man.  I just figured it was the same with mules.”  “And where did you get the guts to try?” asked Pete.  “It wasn’t guts, I was just trying to finish what you had started.  If you hadn’t gotten that rope around her, nothing that I did would have mattered at all.”

“That rope was thrown from the hand of God,” said Sister Marcella, “and today, we were all blessed to see one of his miracles in action.”
The rest of the ride was uneventful.  Pete readjusted Sister Francis’ stirrup as Russ started to sing an old cowboy song.  “What’s the T stand for in T.C?” asked Russ.  “Trystan, my first name is Trystan, T.C.  answered back. With that, every Ian Tyson song they knew was being sung at high volume with the name ‘Trystan’ interjected into every one.

T.C.’s father had never been so proud.


Kurt Philip Behm: June, 2024
Further and further
Deeper and deeper
Into this trench of emotions
This abyss of never ending emotions
Backwards I go never reaching my goal
Always seeing the light
But never touching it
An abyss of drama
Overreacting to the mere tone
Making a problem out of sheer nothingness
Rewinding my fate
Never reaching the day
I become who I really want to be
Fear of gliding forward
Always backsliding.
marvin m brato Nov 2018
Am I real to the tests
of being a human flesh
created in His own image
of body and soul package.

Am I true to the faith
of being a believer of fate
imperfection is the way I walk
sinful words I often speak or talk.

Am I honest to my affinity
of being amongst Christianity
backsliding is the act I practice
still keeps the faith without malice!

Am I destine for hell
of being with others who fail
world pleasures quite compelling
how can I resist as a mortal weakling?
Clarkia Jul 2021
My life has been full of self growth
Where has it gotten me
Backsliding
With the one I love
Success only
In individual endeavors
I was raised
Not to love
Not to be loved
So I stand
In my successes
Alone

— The End —