fell into a hole of myself--
i know too much

a bag of cheetos in an ill-fitting suit
runs the country - made the mistake

of reading what it had to say
awhile ago

all in the stirring of a feather
my ego, my ignorance

smattering albiet aggressively in an annoying
aggregate, dog-bark bird-squacking

grating my effing ears
these 7am mornings

I always wrote ****-ee before, it made more sense with the context, you are stretching the rope, it is adding to your acceleration, you are, possibly, falling.
My darling friend, it is not the momentum of the rope I was warning you against. Although I wonder what metaphor that could take. No, I was warning you about the fall. Period.
Albiet I warned with an unconscious mind. For I was falling too. No, I did not jump. I shall not take that credit. (Not because I am above it, but because others who read here know I did not jump). But we both fell anyways. We fell for fictional men. We fell for fictional beasts. And we fell for boys.
Good luck to us both. May we never get used to the fall. May each jump feel more strongly than the first. May we never be that hurt that we are too scared to jump again.

Miserably, I'll cling to the fading moments
I spent with you in my bed.
Fed up with things ending too early, I'll constantly
be fending for those soft touches and empty hushes.

Empty.
What a word to describe how I feel knowing you'll
be gone by Sunday, without waiting for me to heal.
Monday will come and my heart will shudder.
Flutters, that soft, delectable feeling that I felt in my stomach
will drop and stop, halting all pleasantries.

Finish
me off with one last kiss,
Make me miss
you until I fade from the confusion.
The pollution
that you have caused to build up in my chest
Best be worth the final touches you caress
onto my skin.

Sin-fully,
I'll compare your clear brown gaze to the
murky lust, dirtied by others.
I wonder if you ever had any room under your covers.
I wonder if I ever had any pull on you, ever.

Never,
Ever
will I ever want to weather that weather-y storm you've
measured with buckets of rain
painfully, locking onto my chest
glued to my teeth
Mistaken.
Misled.
My soul feels erasably unfed.

I bled.
I bled. I ******* bled when you held me in my bed
and the words of your utter denial
Cried out between us, causing a separation
I wanted nothing to be with.

God, just three weeks. That's it.
Three weeks, peaking my emotions to their
utter, serene, intoxicating HIGH.
My, what kind of magic have you poured
into my veins.
I didn't think you could ever be the cause of this much
Pain.

Wait.
I didn't want to be another one.
For me, I've always been the detached one.
The one with a dismissal attitude, a missile
of self-confidence and independence.

Impermanence was all you were ever offering.
While I always was offering you my everything.
Foolishly, albeit. Albiet, foolishly.
I'll be it. I will be it. I swear it. I'll be yours.
But **** it, you don't need it.

So?
Now what?

...

I'll go back inside and recreate
that tall, thick wall of utter
strength and unwavering singularity.
Single.
No more tingle in my bones, woe me.
Woe is me, all right.
Hope for me, that I can fight with all of my might.
If only I had the power to push you away
before it's too late, before I hate even a cell
of that specific date.
May. Thirteenth.

SUNDAY.

“Sorry”,they said,
“No matter how many times,
You shook your head,
Provided with all the necessities,
Now move ahead.

No matter what you say,no matter what you feel
Now get up and be brave,
With time,all your wounds may heal
You wouldn't be taken care of,
So better look for your own meal

There wouldn’t be a lullaby singer;make it a habit now
There wouldn’t be anyone to wake you up,
You have to adjust anyhow,
And don’t be a mischievous kid,
Now take a faithful vow.

Come to us now;it's time for goodbye,
They said they’ll love you like we both,
Albiet it’s a lie.
But you have to be independent now,
Go son! It’s a goodbye”.

A sunrise beckoned me
In contrast, to flee
An invitation earnestly endorsed
for lengthened had I lingered
a bona fide friend
lucidity it had painted
and a landscape captivating
Drop by drop,
had I rendered sightless

Bestowed with priceless emotions
deluged you, with
intentions distilled,
truly were
for you did capture them
at the rise

The once limpid scenery,
opaque, visionised today
the yellow smudged
a sunset to betide

A panic swelled within,
a grave slip-up implemented
for I strived to ameliorate it
Albiet,
Versimilitude solicited distance

I failed to proffer you with,
as the intent, stainless
and a heart devout
remorse, shall lie etched

for the landscape
entailed not remedy
though,
the desire for your understanding
was all I stipulated

the rain came
down in torrents
i grew jealous
and sped home
as fast as i could
on two legs, two wheels
one flimsy frame

when i got there,
i was here and i opened
the door to find i had
nothing to fear

the house was empty
the windows boarded up,
and the sink leaking
as though it were
laughing at my predicament

i dug my nails into
my skin, punctured
a few loose veins
and let the blood
do it's thing,--

look pretty, embrace
the floor, and spread
like wildfire through
the cracks of the porcelain
skin

i fell to my knees
and wailed until the wolves
howled for silence
to return to me

and it did
but not without
fighting my screams

the noises in my head
refused to cease, and so
this continued on for days,
months, maybe even
weeks

until my beard grew
and sheltered me
from putting anything
in my mouth

my ribcage felt like
the talons of a hawk
clawing to get out

i wasn't me anymore;
the me she loved
and adored

instead,
i was much better,
albiet much worse
than ever before

i became the nightmare
i wanted to be

and sank in this reverie
until i could no longer
feel hunger

when i was
a child*

at night
i used to see
shadows dart
across the walls
in the gutters
of our streets

it wasn't
till i got older
till i finally met
those creatures
and called
them by name

some of them
have passed;
some of them
still live to this day

we don't get together
as much as we used to

but those filthy,
albiet, gorgeous
creatures

still live at the bottom
of my heart

where the waste of
my mind goes

imagination
you said
lives somewhere
between dream and reality
but what if
that imagination
shared
experienced
Is real
it was
you
leading, wanting, encouraging
be careful to
understate imagination
intentional sharing
albiet apart in the physical realm
are nonetheless real
nor imagined
and now
although I may never again
feel that way
With you
I am happy and grateful
to now know
The one thing
the only thing that matters
that which I have always known
And that is
what it would feel like, for me
With you

I want to write you and say
That I've never stopped loving you.
I want to write you and demand that you see me so that
I can see that
The love I have for you now is stuck.
Is the love that I had for you
The last time I saw you
The last time you saw me
The last time we kissed.
I want this to be over.
I want to know that I can stop writing
About how I can't let this idea go.
The ship has sunk and
Part of me watched it go from the safety of shore but
Part of me is still inside of it
Sitting
Comfortably, albiet a little fidgety,
Listening to the clock tick tocking away my years,
My loves,
My partners,
Envisioning that one day you'll come scuba diving down
Down
Down
To find me here, where we both know I've been
Waiting.

I want to write you and say
That I've never stopped loving you.
Maybe putting the message in a bottle
Releasing it into the water that surrounds me
And watching where it floats to
Will set me free from this sunken ship too.