My breath rushed out of my lungs all at once,
an ocean of air flooding from my mouth.
Shock waves crashed over me.
The pure wonder that enveloped me was like
wind.
All sensation, with no time to think.
Just pressing,
flowing,
feeling.
In the moment I felt helpless.
Lost at sea,
wave after wave pounding,
pushing me from the surface.
Trying to breathe,
gasping,
flailing,
desperate.
Panic seized the depths of my mind,
each a sharp needle,
stabbing,
digging into the flesh of my brain.
I began to crumble from the weight of it all.
All of the expectations,
secrets,
lies,
mysteries,
everything.
Everything.
T­he weight of everything crushed me.
Dust to dust.
Nothing more.

Sadistically speaking
You're out of time
The world is shrinking
You've lost your last dime

Sadistically speaking
You've played your last round
You should stop seeking
For the approval of the crowd

Sadistically speaking
We are all dead
Or breaking
Just a group of empty heads

But if we're speaking sadistically
What's the point of anything?

If you can't look at the bright side
Why look at all?
Does it hurt your pride?
Is negativity some kind of protocol?

LIMITS are all I see
Controlling who we are
And who we want to be

What are we doing?
We are making more
If we keep pursuing
One day we'll hit the floor

Where's the progression
Everyone says we're making?
Life is in session
The dawn is breaking

LIMITS are all I see
How can we be who we are
If no one is free?

You burned every part of me
That you hadn't claimed for your own

The warm liquid traces down my face
A deep ache follows wherever it travels
They flow like blood
Relentless
Drip
                        Drip
              ­                                               Dripping
and
Slip
                        Slip
                                                             Slipping
Salty
Like sweat
But not

Sweat is a sign that your body is getting stronger
Tears are made of your body breaking down

I wonder when all my tears will run out
When I will simply cry dust
Because the pain is too much

I wonder if one day I will drown
Suffocate
Choke
On the liquid agony that leaks from my eyes

Words have power
They can pierce your bones
The right ones devour
Your very soul
Peaceful ones flower
And make you whole

Others cut deep
Leave scars, angry red
Make you lose sleep
As they dance in your head
Your happiness they reap
Until your spirit is dead

The strong message they send
Cannot be erased
They twist and they bend
They demand to be faced
They make ideas blend
Leaving a bad aftertaste

You cannot try to forget
The things you hear
Like a cigarette
They take what you hold dear
They sing a duet
Of shame, grief, and fear

Once it is said
It penetrates the defenses
Causing joy or dread
Sometimes beyond recompenses

Words can move you
Words can ****
Words can pierce through
Words can thrill

Each time you part your lips
The words that stain the air
Can sink the finest ships
Or be an answer to a prayer

This is the only thing
That I am not indecisive
Or unsure about

Don't make me second guess,
Because I will

I will overthink
And analyze
Until my brain is splattered on the wall

So let me be sure of this one thing
This one small thing

I know
For a very fact
In the deep recesses of my heart

I like girls and boys

I am not confused
Nor am I calling for attention

Let my love
Love how it wants

Let me love
Who I yearn to love

Love looses her beauty
When she is rigorously controlled


Let my love be beautiful

Please
Try not to make decisions when you are sad
Tears blur your vision

Let's smile
To hide our pain

Let's smile
Even if it's fake
It will be real in a while

At least, that's what everyone says

But I've been smiling,
For quite a while

Is it working?
I still taste bile

Still, I have to believe
That one day I will be whole
I have to keep going
Until I'm in control

Let's smile

Save me from this battle
That I have declared
It is fierce and ******
I am trembling and scared

A knife pierces my side
An arrow reaches my heart
Please clean my wounds
Or from this life I must part

Save me from this war
This tidal wave of death
I am no longer my own ally
I'm breathing my last breath

Save me

Save me from myself

Looked into my eyes
You said, "I will be okay"
I don't believe you
          ~
Worried myself sick
I am tired of these lies
Just let me help you
          ~
You don't say a word
I just see it in your face
Sadness spreads from you
          ~
I am here for you
Please, please, please remember that
My heart can't take it

i used to think love was free
when you came to me
but then you had your fill
and aphrodite came back with the bill

You cover every page of my journal
That you'll never read
Your smile is in every photo on my camera
That you'll never look through

I keep you close
You will never know
I treasure every piece that I have of you
Photos and journal entries
All of it

The photos are tacked up on walls
That you will never see
The journal entries have become a blog
That you will never visit
And all the while
I'll be loving you

being ignored doesn't scare me

i'm afraid of people listening

people don't label my pain
as real as others

but i promise, it's just as lethal

Dear Time,
So many have sought to escape you.
Either that, or they want more of you.
They beg in desperation.
You turn your icy shoulder,
denying them in their cries for mercy.
In the end, you claim everyone for your own.
Wearing them down until they are nothing but bone,
and after that you grind them into nothing.
You rob people of their long lives.
You move quick and just out of reach.
Unless there is suffering,
then you move like a calm lake,
slow,
contemplating.
I understand.
You just want to feel wanted.
You are tired of being used,
wasted,
ignored,
taken for granted.
This unappreciation comes from every direction.
Squeezing you tight into a box of neglect.
You just want to show them.
To make them see.
To make them pay attention.
Their grief.
Their hatred.
Their longing.
But you are like the hammer to the nail.
It is hard for the nail to appreciate the hammer,
no matter it's intentions.
The hammer wants them to appreciate it,
after all,
it is putting them to good use.
But all the nail sees is the method.
Never the outcome.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity

You can't make a storm cloud
And expect it not to rain

you aren't sweet
you're salty.
but i like to lick
the sweat from your
lips.

you aren't soft
you're sharp.
but i like the way
your nails feel against my
back.

you aren't loud
you're quiet.
but i like to sit and
just think with
you.

you aren't poetic
you're poetry.
but i like to write
you into
immortality.

I miss the way things used to be
I miss my old reality
I miss the way we used to sing
We'd sing about anything

I miss the smiling
The old laughter
Now there is only whining
Among the chatter

But the old days
Have come and gone
The old ways
And the old songs

I'm left with the pieces
The shattered remains
Can't hear what anyone says
Just broken refrains

I wish that I could take it all back
Return to the past
Slip through the cracks
Make everything last

But the old days,
The old songs,
The old smiling,
The old laughing,
The old dancing,
        
               It's
                                     all
                                                         g    o   n    e

"The most important part, is the part that hurts"




~John Green

I have an old soul,
But my heart is still young
Treat it with care
It has not loved for very long

you are so sweet
yet so bad for me

you taste so secretive
so deliciously mine
but you're only a recipe
for a broken heart

no matter how many times
i put you on my tongue
you drench it in your savoury promises
that you'll never keep
leaving me empty
with desire

and somehow, i can never say

'no'

Left my opinions at the door
No one cares what I think
There could be more left in store
But I'm standing on the brink

The brink of losing
Losing all that matters
I take my time choosing
But everything is in tatters

I'm at the brink of falling
All it takes is a breath
I'm only really stalling
My spiral into death

Just when we think everything has been said
Someone says something new
When we think everything has been done
There is something to do

We don't fully comprehend the meaning of everything
We use the term so casually
But really we don't undersatnd
Everything happens gradually

even 'zero' has
an 'are'

all i have is
a 'was'

I never told her
How her laugh filled me up
Or how her smile made me shiver
How her voice made me weak
Or how her gaze made me quiver

I never told her
That she was my reason for living
Or that she made me feel worth something
That she made me want to wake up in the morning
Or that she slowed my turbulent thinking

I never told her
That I loved her

Love
Makes us
Love to be in Love

When, really
She is using us
To be Loved

alone
i test the word out in my mind
it tastes numb
and empty
while at the same time,
inviting pain to dance in my skull

alone
it should be painless
just void
a lack

so why does it press me from every direction
squeezing out the air
trapping me

i am in a circus
funhouse mirrors all around me
showing reflections of just one person
scared
tears dripping down her delicate nose
reflecting me back on myself
making me more lonely than before

i still wish you never showed me that song
because something so beautiful
shouldn't hurt me so much

When I was younger,
My temper had run out
So I took a small piece of metal
I believe it was from our fencing
I took the slender stick of metal
And I hit the tree
Again
and again
Trying to release this monster of anger that consumed
There were lines in the tree from where the metal had clashed with it
The bark split where I had hit it
I felt bad about what I had done to the poor tree
But other than that I didn't think much of it

That is until I saw it today
It has been years since I abused that tree in anger
The bark is white now,
It healed over the scratches
But you can still see through the bark where it was split
Where it was broken

I am jealous
For that is not how my scars are
My scars cannot be seen
No matter how deep down you look
My imperfections lie in my very soul
I have covered each blemish carefully
They are not visible even with the most complex microscope
The most advanced magnifying glass couldn't catch a glimpse of them

My scars will forever remain unseen

you leave my flannel
hanging up with your clothes
it was my favourite,
and you were too

its only company
is my heart
which you left in the corner of your closet
to gather spiderwebs

as much as i say i do,
i do not blame you
the only one i blame is me
for everything i cannot be

for all the times i've fallen short
when i couldn't think of the right retort
for every single time i cry
i only blame my own eye

when i scream your err
pay no attention
it is only lack of self care
and increasing muscle tension

i think so

because despite everything
you've put it through
my heart
still loves you

i've been staring out of this window
for so long
i can't tell who's
gone

me
or
the people i can't see

i'm not afraid to die, love

i'm afraid to live

the lines of decision are thick
and if i cross them the wrong way
i will be entangled in the threads
of a life unlived

but if i stay here
on the other side
i risk not knowing
what life is at all

so i'll pluck them
like the delicate strings
of a lyre
hoping to strike a harmony

all of our memories
are reconstructions
of things
we think to be

maybe that's why
i thought
we'd always be a
we