I was always looking at you, always at your back. Watching your every fall and every rise. It's too unfortunate I'm too close to you. I can't see your face because I'm always behind you, staring with my eyes from afar and with my heart from nearby. I'm afraid that if I touch your back, you'll turn out to be the person I wouldn't have thought of. I can't say hello just to say goodbye in the end. I'd rather have us stay this way, me tailing you and observing you grow. It is better for me not to get to know you and be disappointed with just myself, than have known you and be disappointed with you and myself. That way I can leave easier.

some days it hurts so much, i'm shrinking inside of myself,
you're like a thousand roses inside, thorns piercing my lungs
all i can taste is the thick blood, i'd be too afraid to kiss you,
worried that the taste might not go away, even if replaced by
the flavour of a fresh summer day on your soft lips.
a flower grows for every heavy breath, begging to be alright,
for every tear that you just won't let fall. the texture of
sadness which we encompass cannot be outwardly expressed
in such frail gestures. the brush of skin, the splatter of blood.
the wind through the blades of green grass, your pale pale
skin plays such a lovely contrast. but aren't you sick of all these
red skies? even sunsets need to take a break every now and then.

7 minutes our eyes meet
6 minutes our hearts beat together in lights and sound
5 minutes your rhythm keeps my fears at bay
4 minutes your smile is all i've ever known
3 minutes my heart starts to sink, i feel you slip away
2 minutes you're off to another place
1 minute you're far away and i'm here

I'm trying to take care of myself
The same way I take care of
The plants on my windowsill
With patience
With a gentle hand
And the idea that nothing grows over night

My love runs behind you
hoping for you to slow down
So you can see it's real
Not just a mirage of your past heartbreaks

Jl 2017

I'd write a sonnet
About how much I love you,
Darling Boy,
If I weren't so sad that your
Shoes aren't here for me
To put mine next to.