fizzy love wild days
like dynamite and lit fuses
you were explosive

It wasn't a problem
just a tick really
it's kind of silly

It was nothing much
correcting tilted things
organizing rings

It wasn't a problem till after
when nothing was clean
and hands had to gleam

Skin was cracking
it was like a disorder
everything had to be in order

How can something so sweet be so poisonous
a little petal full of toxins
a flower that feeds on death

How can so many lovely things be deadly
a plant creating scopolamine
a leaf that brews violence

No matter how much you sleep
sleep finds a way to creep
into your weary bones
and broken dragging mind

It always clings tight to you
fogging up your view
like sea mist over your eyes
it covers everything in sight

Rolling waves of exhaustion
sleeping now would be noxious
because the sea that is sleep
is only there to drown you

often I drag myself out of bed
     like I am weighed with anchors
     made of sorrow and expectations

often I am unreasonably upset
     over nothing and everything at once
     from scratchy sweaters to school admissions

often I wonder why I fret
     over the smallest failures I commit
     and over the little quirks that I have

often I'll ponder all that has gone wrong
    and wish I could have changed it all
    I will wish to not to think these things again

we all have thoughts
impulses, moments, similarities
we all know the actions
smiles, words, movements

out of sync, the feeling of missing a note
no arrangement to follow in a symphony
a world of music, no voice to sing

my own are broken
discordant, amiss, awry
my brain is hoping
wishing, waiting, wanting

I didn't ask for this
it's all drama here

I wanted to play
but now I'm here

It's all in the looks
on the shallow stage

Now I'm crying
in the backstage

An idea that everything has an answer
defined by a set of numbers all together
letters and ideas mesh with them
creating all that is and will ever be
a solution to all even if it isn't found
the ability to make new variables
to make sense of all the nonsense
symbols that make up the connection
such comfort in knowing this now
that everything has a defined answer
no guesses and no wish wash maybes
a yes and a no a right and a wrong one
mathematics can solve all of it for us
math is everywhere and that is lovely

that dark black coffee
bitter on my tongue
it twists my mouth up
like you used too

with subtle flavors
sharp hazelnut undertones
like your soft curls
use to smell in the morning

I wake up to one cup
or maybe three or four
to fill up space that you left
now in my empty quiet bed

my faraway friend
in every note you send
I find your smile

A sharp bursting flash
oxidations reductions
and a flash of light

It bruises purple underneath
a sick stain surrounds my eyes
skin slouching down in despair
a dark piece of evidence
lingering sadly on my skin

As I lock away the tiredness
further into my mind
where it settles in the emptiness
and stays in the hallow nights
when sweet sleep never reaps

one that is not my own
one a skin I no longer fit
one all my own but older
one new and fresh faced
one that no one ever knows
a list so long I could never find me
a list of them extending beyond all

wandering through the stacked books
with delicate frames atop a sloped nose
shoulder length locks of leather brown
your physicians fingers on a book spine
honey eyed glances thrown over to me

sweet lips mumble poetic pages to themself
I hear pages rustle and soft sweaters shift
as you close the book and come over to sit
hands clasped on the table we chatter
and hour will fly by enraptured by you

Staccato heartbeat
  why do you beat
  so very quickly?

Tapping heartbeat
  don't beat fast
  like a heartache

Optimistic heartbeat
  stop jumping
  at their smile

Popping heartbeat
  can you calm
  yourself please?

to define it is hard
but you will know
once you communicate
through eye contact
from thirty feet away
before you're bursting
with peels of laughter

Black eyes look with sorrow
Grey eyes glance back
White smile gleams in the dark
Purple hearts reach out

the brandywine has struck
from the tops of your cheeks
right down to you feet

you heard it from the birds
and heard it from the bees
now you're hearing it from me

the brandywine has struck
you're woozy and acting floozie
but you're never going to stop

not till you drip drip drop
straight from the bottle into your maw
it burns like your cheeks in the candle light

in forty three days
the world will shift
not for you maybe
not even a bit

but in forty three days
my axis will tilt
and fall to the ground
shattering there

in those forty three days
I will change again
and move far away
never to be seen again

falling through the sky
tumbling down now to nothing
foundations lay bare

early as the sun rises
a drooping still body sits
glancing up to the window
as sun peaks through blinds
a sluggish eye squints up
and the dragging mind watches
as the haunting night now gives way
to a bright merciless morning cycle
as the world continues without a pause
for the weary souls that never ended the day

Thank you for having a gift
for all of those gentle songs
that you sweetly sang
with your melancholy voice

Thank you for everything
for all the advice you gave
through the good and the bad
for lifting me up when I'm sad

Thank you for giving me a home
and baking me banana bread
for taking care of things
thanks for just talking to me

Thank you for showing me
that everything is temporary
my pain isn't here forever
you were always with me

Thank you for the nostalgia
the sweet uke from the UK
the rhythms that found my soul
and the calpol for my heart

Dear robin, thank you.

From the Sea of Hoces
to rolling Cape Horn
the sea is vengeful

The ocean rolls and boils
at our dangerous ignorance
and our prideful arrogance

It drifts ****** icebergs here
and chops the windy waves
to assault our fragile senses

It hides monsters in it's depths
waiting beneath the surface
in our grimed gyres they wait

For us to finally choke on
our foolish mistakes of time
the cold ocean will wait

eyes squeezed tight
like my bones in this hole
away from it all

Sweet as honey
lavender lattes

Those lemon walls
and chocolate locks

Voice like angels
singing sweetly

Little shy smile
and a tiny wave

a dusty room
filled with sorrow
old interests now hallow

boxes all piled up
silent as an old tomb
the abandoned backroom

once golden shining rings
you can see the grimy buildup
on the items you tried to cover up

in the corner sits a broken violin
for the music that once flew on wings
that old case is full of wood and strings

"It's a beautiful day out"
mum says with a sigh
as I turn to look at her with doubt
the screen reflects in the corner of my eye

"I'd rather not"
I say as I turn away
"outside is danger fraught"
I don't want to stray

from the safety of my game
were others understand
and there is no shame
to being a bit bland

life won't be gentle
and it doesn't know love

life will drag on
and bring you down too

life isn't ever fair
and it's certainly not kind

I wanna smell like lavender and honey drops

I wanna be there when your heart stops

I wanna breathe in decay and out life

I wanna go to sleep and ascend to your side

I wanna return to dirt and become flowers

I wanna have honeybees in my blooms