on nights when nostalgia clings to me like the tears cling to my eyelashes,
any song will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when the memories choke me and put me under their spell,
any poem will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when my past catches up and i drown in bad choices,
any picture will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when you are so close i can touch you,
and so far you hardly know my name,
any thought of you will do.

you can carve a knife into your stomach but even you cannot protect yourself from ending up alone and afraid.
your days are numbered, and no matter how much you matter you can never seem to matter enough anymore.
everyone is pulling the strings inside you, and your story is changing at a pace that you can't keep up with.
you are running,
always running,
and everyone else is running too.
they are trying to reach you but they cannot.
you are stuck somewhere inside a body that has been beaten and bruised but is somehow still moving and making mistakes and hurting people you would never hurt.
this isn't you.
you haven't slept in months but you can't wake up.
every time you think you do there is another darkness that holds another nightmare that is holding you.
w
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i can't remember the last time i wasn't thinking about you.
you are seeping into my dreams and my bones and my blood,
and i am so angry.

i know that it is late and that you are asleep and that you are dreaming of someone else,
but valentine's day is in four days and it isn't too late for you to kiss me.
please.

i hate being clingy and desperate and i know you aren't into that,
but you don't really seem to mind when she does it.
so why do i keep getting pushed to the back?

when did i start letting you get away with everything you want?
you could burn your name into my skin and i would say okay.
i don't know what else to say to you.

i am afraid i will say "i love you"
and then i would lose you forever,
and i don't want to lose someone i never had.

as soon as one thing goes wrong i kind of collapse
becoming a total mess who complains and cries and does little else
i am less of a girl and more of a puddle,
one that cannot find motivation or reasons to wake up,
but does it anyway, half assed and tired and upset.
i don't care about school and people don't care about me and i don't know what i'm supposed to do because i can't stop crying
but that isn't an excuse to stay home and my parents yell when they see my tears and i still have to take finals next week

it's scary that someone you've known forever can suddenly like someone else more than you
and that you don't think twice about doing the same
how your six year best friend is now a chore
and how your three week acquaintance hugs you in the hall
how the people who loved you when you were a kid treat you like ****
and you don't know if you can tell your best friend what she is to you

it's scary that you used to have too many friends to count
and now you have no one to hang out with friday night
how just two years ago the tables were turned
and now your friends like each other and not you
the people that used to be your world avoid your eyes in the hall
and sometimes the people who are now do to

i can't stop thinking about y o u because i love
1. nothing
2. everything
3. when you look at me
4. i can't breathe
5. but i take shredded gasps because
6. your air is so sweet when
7. i can sometimes get just a little in the lungs that you
8. collapse when you walk into a room with your
9. smile that spreads up to your
10. eyes which are dark brown but sometimes look yellow which you
11. still think is as magical as the
12. stories you are still willing to talk about and you
13. laugh at all my jokes even when you are
14. just pretending to think i am funny
15. your voice, which is amazing even when you are
16. making up excuses that sound like good enough reasons to my tired ears
17. you will always come crawling back to me even if you are
18. only begging me for help with school
19. i can pretend you need me to survive like
20. i have grown to need you
21. you always act grateful for the answers to my homework even if you are not grateful for me and
22. on days when it isn't too much trouble to come to school you are willing to give me the answers you have, only
23. i am too scared to ask you for the only answer i care about and i know you will
24. tell me we should not ruin this
25. friendship
1. nothing
2. everything

i think maybe we've forgotten how to smile
because we are creatures of habit and we learn by example
and in a time when everyone is sad and depression screams out like sirens in the night
it is easier to mimic the tears

somewhere between asleep and in love,
i am sad but not too sad.
tonight it finally feels like the right amount.
he does not love me, but it's okay.
he does not know what love is,
and neither do i,
not really.
i may as well give up now,
but i don't mind anymore.
it has been raining for days,
and everybody gets wet.
i am not the only one who thinks about dying.

my skin is too big
i'm
drowning
in sadness i don't understand
i'm in love
with someone i've never even heard of
i spend my days crying and
i spend my nights alone
paralyzed in confusion
and loneliness
and fear
give me your love
but don't look at me
convince me you like me
but don't try to make me feel better
i can't
i can't
i can't

every thing is crumbling and i forgot how to deal
my grades are low and my friends are gone and my parents probably hate me
i always watch the people that i like hang out with the boy that i love without me
my friends are involved in things and experiences and i am not doing anything
i am doing extremely poorly at the thing i thought was my only real talent
i am so out of shape that i cannot walk home without being sore after
my sister yells at me and i get in trouble when i yell back every time
people are getting dates to dances i am throwing anti versions of
and i know that i can blame other things as much as i want as loud as i want
but in the end it all comes down to
me

i'm caught between wishing for two things
you
or the strength to wish for something else

I talk the talk
Promise you that it'll be better
Stay strong
Because you can make it
But I don't walk the walk
Because I don't see a happy ending
I'm a mess
And I can't make it

i cried about him today and nobody was sympathetic because they are tired of watching me cry
if only they knew how tired i am
of crying

is everyone stressed out?
or has everyone i care about
stopped
caring
about
me?

but i hate myself
and you do to
so it's so much nicer
to just pretend
to be happy

i'm not ok, and it's been a long time since i was
but the breaths still come, in and out and in and out
and there are some days when i do not cry.
i can still get A's on tests and bake cookies and cheer up my friends
the rain still falls and the leaves still fall and the night still falls
but the sun rises, even if it's not up when i wake and if it hurts my eyes,
it's always there
and i'm lonely, and it's been a long time since i wasn't
but i can still see tomorrow even if i don't like it
and even when it seems like nobody would talk to me if i was the last person alive,
i remember that i'm not
that i live in a world full of people and dogs and exotic cheeses and new words,
that there are countless places to go and books to read and dollars to earn,
that in a thousand years nobody will remember the time i embarrassed myself in the hall
so i may as well say hi
and so i breath, in and out and in and out,
and some days i do not cry

i'm so afraid of being replaced in people's lives that if they do replace me
(and they always do)
i will deny it and i will act as though it was my choice to push them away
i stopped texting them
i stopped sitting with them at lunch
but the only time my phone vibrates is when people are answering my questions about homework that i already know the answers to
and my closest friends to not want to spend time with me
and my parents keep saying i seem so happy and i don't get it because i cry myself to sleep every night
or i did, until the tears stopped coming and now i lay in the dark heaving dry sobs because i cannot find the strength to cry or to carry on

it feels hopeless to keep trying
when i know there can never be a happy ending
because i don't even know what story this is

the planet looks weird from up here,
wherever i am.

when i was a kid
i wore clothes my mom picked out
and i didn't look in the mirror
except when i brushed my teeth
and now i'm older
contacts
makeup
$300 dollars on my hair
just to make people
you
like me
a little bit more
but what's the point
if you don't even notice
don't even care?

when i close my eyes the whole thing feels like a movie
and it's easy to forget that i'll never have a happy ending

he walks with girls at his sides, and when i wave they do not notice
my friends will not make eye contact with me in the halls
i am complimented today, but i do not know it's for me
i've gotten used to blending into the background, and i am not used to being beautiful
because the eyes i want to catch swim away before they are hooked
and they do not want to sit with me at lunch despite how loud i laugh at their jokes
maybe if i were more beautiful more often
maybe if i didn't try as hard
or i tried harder
but then i remember that he didn't come to school on my birthday last year
and he doesn't care about that now
and i realize
that maybe you can try in all the ways there are
and it will never make a difference

i fell in love with the words you used to say to me
even if you never meant for me to
(i never meant to either)

and now i love the memories and the daydreams
because i am afraid that you are gone
and they are all i have left of you

But you're an ******* and you don't even know
Because when I talk about love I'm not talking about the characters in the movie
I'm talking about you
About us
Because you won't even look at me twice
Because you'd rather see her
And you know you can have anything
Handed to you on a silver platter
And why would you ever want this
When you could have that?

stop telling me it'll all be okay because how can you know that?
how can you know i won't fall apart again?
that i won't ******* some more of my life like i always have?
how can you know that he won't break my heart and she will want to be my friend and they'll like me?
just because you did it once doesn't mean that i can too
because i'm not strong, i'm weak
i'm weak, and i'm afraid
i'm too scared to go all the way up and crumbling is the only way down
so maybe nothing will be okay
and that'll have to be okay

i wonder if i saw myself on the street if i'd think i was pretty
because my friends say i am
and sometimes
out of the corner of my eye
i see a pretty girl in the mirror
but she's always gone when i look straight at my face
tearstained and ugly

And as my life crumbles at my feet I see a figure standing on top of the rubble and at first I think it's you. But it's not because you don't even notice the debris. It's me, of course it is, because I am happy to see this end, this sweet disaster burning everything I am and was into a pile of crumbs at my own feet.

when i'm alone (and lonely) i usually think about you
what it would feel like to kiss you
to hug you
to hold your hand
what you would do if i told you how much i wanted these things
if you could be totally honest with me
it's not like you'd have to worry about breaking my heart,
you already have

sometimes i stare out at the snow, or the flashing car lights, or the seas of people who are all going through the motions of whatever, and i wonder if i am the only one who feels this way.
people say they understand, that they feel the same way i do, but it can't be true.
because how could they feel this sad and still be alive?

If I list my five worst days,
They'd all be your fault
And I feel bad because I brought it up but I can't tell you
But that's what happens when you let me fall in love

sometimes i forget
that not everybody cries on their birthday
that some people like all of their friends
that not everybody feels like they're crumbling
every second of every day
that it's just me
who contemplates jumping in front of busses
and diving into freezing lakes

because sometimes i forget
what it feels like to be happy

if you can see that i am breathing do not ask if i am lonely
i am
always and forever
as long as i live on this giant rock spinning in endless space
i am
i am
i am

sometimes i stare out at the snow, or the flashing car lights, or the seas of people who are all going through the motions of whatever, and i wonder if i am the only one who feels this way.
people say they understand, that they feel the same way i do, but it can't be true.
because how could they feel this sad and still be alive?

i go to sleep each night hoping i won't dream of you
because then i can wake up each morning and rediscover you
and your voice
and your eyes
and your hands
and your smile
and i love you

she doesn't approve of us
of me
there is no us
she does't approve of me loving you
but why can't i get upset?
everyone else can
why is it that when i snap i lose all my friends
and yours go running back?

you texted me back
which shouldn't be a big deal
but you never text me back
and most days we don't hug five times
and you don't introduce me to your friends
and i don't laugh with your parents
and you don't put your arm around me for pictures
so maybe this text
means something this time

I'm crying so hard but the tears won't come
Because there went my last friend
And now I have no one

I see you sad
And I feel my heart turn into a thousand shards of glass
Each tear that rolls down your cheek is like acid rain
Burning holes in my heart
You see me sad
And you don't care
And you ignore me
And my sobs are background noise for your exciting life

The only reason i try so hard to impress you
Is that you make me feel inferior
And I can't decide who I hate more
You
Or me

I'm glad your life is moving on
but just because someone loves you
doesn't mean someone will love me.
you've always had more
more friends, more boys, more fun.
and you're trying to be supportive, i get that.
so am i.

tonight i almost asked you why we haven't spoken in three weeks
but i am so afraid
because i know the answer,
and you don't like me anymore.

Sorry I yelled at you.
I trust you.
You're pretty and talented and perfect but I can see why he loves you, I love you too. And I trust you.

But I don't trust him.

i keep trying to write poetry about you
but all that comes out is how lonely i am
i guess it's the same thing

I dread each sunrise
And each sunset
I find happiness in nothing
And pain in it all

It doesn't seem fair that you get to complain about your relationship problems to me, and I can't even tell you how lonely I really am.