i dont usually write from the heart,
its too dangerous down there,
so i write from my head.
ill try to write from my heart today though,
Try.
For you.

There was a movie i once watched.
Taken 2, i think it was.
In the movie, the woman had her throat slit,
And she herself was hung upside down
To let all the blood flow out of her neck.
She soon lost conciousness,
A pool of blood by her head on the ground.
I imagine what i feel right now is this.
This hurt and aching of sanity leaking out onto the floor
All because im missing you.
It hurts... And its a deep aching that can only be replenished with you.

Now, back to real time and reality...
Yesterday i went to the temple to pray for new years.
For the first time,
I didnt pray for myself.
I prayed hard and long for you.
I want you to be happy and well,
Which will make me happy,
Which begins a complicated cycle of joy.

I dont know why i began this **** poem thing this way,
But id like you to know
That you are much more than enough.
Your strong arms and words-my home.
Your voice-music to soothe me, get my heart thumping again.
You-my everything.
You have helped me when i thought nothing was worth it anymore,
That caring will only lead to hurt,
When it was dark in the night and in my mind,
No one was there.
But u came,
My knight in shining armor.
You rode in with a BANG
Knocked down all my doors.
Showed me the light outside of my dark ashen house.

And with that,
I let you drag me out.
Remind me how to love, to live.
Thank you for that.
Ill try to shove you away,
Lie to you,
Fight u,
But you still stuck by me.
Thanks... It means more than you know.
And...
I love you more than anything.
Nothing i say will show u how much i love you or how much u mean to me... For that i am sorry.... I can only do this in actions.

I'm sorry for being your problem now,
but your stuck with me now.

You know all those songs you introduced me to?
All those songs we used to listen to together?
I still listen to them today
Even though you're long gone and I'm still stuck in the quicksand of our love.
It hurts, but it's okay.

The memories flood back to me and
I welcome them all wholeheartedly.
For it reminds me of better days
Where the blue from the oceans stood out more
The crimson hues of the sunsets painting your very being
Where your onyx eyes bore far away
Past me and our galaxies.

And I always asked you, 'what do you see?'
And although you never really told me I still thought it was perfect for it was so worthy of your attention.

Now that that's all over and you've blown yourself away like the sand on the rocks
I can't help but wonder though.
Amidst the waves you sailed away from me by
During the thunderstorms you know I sent you
Did you ever look back to me
To us?

Maybe I do this
To escape.

You would think
Of all people,
You should know me well enough
To know that I'm ******,
Angry, and utterly
Frustrated.

I've been trying to pull everything apart
the echo of your steps down the lonesome corridor
the soft touch of your fingers as they twirl my hair
the soft voice you used to sing in
the scent of you on my clothes
every memory in every place
everything leads to you
but no matter how hard I pull and pull
every memory comes snapping back
every time I come so close to pulling you all out
pulling pulling
all the kisses and hugs
all the scents and sounds and sorrow
can't seem to go away

You've haunted me,
left me to wail and cry
to no end
no mercy
there's nothing I can do
nothing that will ease my pain
you're gone...
you're gone...

Swallow those tears.
Turn your face away.
Blame the allergies.
Smile.
Show some teeth.
Laugh.
Put away all the insecurities.
The thoughts the demons whisper in my ears.
The terrible heartache that claws at your chest when you think of him.
The urge to yell and scream,
To burst into tears and punch a wall.
To be mean to everyone.
To prove that you're a *****.
Just stop.
Smile.
You are fine.

Pretend.

Fake it till you make it, right?
:)





























































­





















no one cares anyways.
don't burden anyone.
don't let them come close and see the mess that you are.
you're gonna hurt them anyways.

To be quite frank with you,
I'm not good with talking to people.
I get nervous, and worried,
and overall a wreck,
cause somehow I usually end up ******* something up,
no matter what.

I don't know you,
you don't know me.
And I'm glad you don't know me,
if you knew what I've done,
what I am,
who I am,
You'd run.
But from one kindred (hm maybe not) spirit to another,
I'd like to give you the respect,
the love
that you undoubtedly deserve
but receive from songs.
I don't know you yet,
or enough really with your sparse and occasionally written poetry,
but,
I care.
I have no clue who you are,
but at the same time I do, with all your poems,
showing me the depths of your mind.

Either way,
I don't care who you are in real life.

I just want to say...
thanks, I guess.
For hanging in there, and being strong, at least for a little while.

And then there's me.

I didn't get to choose to fall for you.
I just did.
And I accept all the consequences.
I'm sorry I'm weak.
That I couldn't be there for you.
That I'm an inconsiderate girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

Angel chained to the Earth,
beaten down,
locked in the basement,
kept down there to suffer.

You have been away from the sun for too long,
my dear.
It it time to spread and stretch those wings again,
let the warmth radiate on your face,
to leave the hatred you grew in
like fungus in the dark.

Take your hand in mine,
and I'll lead you to the light again,
where you can join the others,
and fulfill angel dreams.

I'll be waiting.

There was a death in the room.
Everyone in the room lay still and silent,
Heavy with and unknown weight
That sagged and sunk.

All was eerily quiet,
Not a sound to be heard.

But then-
A burst.
A cry,
A shout!

He had arrived and he brought life,
Miracles and spectacles to behold,
And there was glory!
Oh such glory!
Everything sprung to the occasion,
And suddenly the room was alive
And vibrant and bursting and oh so happy, for he had arrived.

Worst of all,
I am eager to bring you all your desires
Upon a single solver platter
Filled with marmalade dreams
And sun filled kisses.
To whisk away poisonous stares
And penetrating dreams of torture.

Maybe once long forgotten it will come back,
With a little bit of sweetness and
A sugary aftertaste.

Since when does
Someone's looks
And physical and ****** appearance
Matter?

As long as your nice,
Understanding,
Basically have a beautiful soul
Now that's,
That's what matters most.

You put me away
Sat me down on your highest shelf
To be admired,
But all I ever got to be
Was *forgotten.

I've finally got you in my grasp,
My heart pounding,
My smiles growing,
My butterflies more vicious than ever.

Just when I've finally wrapped my kind around
The impossibilty of you-
You're such an unbelievably amazing person, you know-
Everything seems to drag you away.

Now I'm only holding onto a few fingers,
My desperate clutch yearning
To rock your body once more,
But nothing ever seems to be okay.

Death invited you through his door,
Pushed you in
So you lay there,
Foot in,
Foot out.
Him holding your left hand,
Me holding you right.

I need to pull harder.

It's only getting worse and worse
this longing I have for you
that pulls at my heart
and stretches it wide and across
far enough that my heart
oh my stupid heart
it's on the floor now and being dragged across the floor
and straight into your open palms.

But you are more important than me.

What I'm feeling right now?
I hope I never forget what it feels like,
or better yet,
I hope I don't ever have to feel anything else.

For if I forget what it feels like,
I don't think I can ever love again,
and be
human.

ne pensez pas de moi
j'ai besoin d'oublier
même si c'est juste pour une minute
une heure
un jour

You know what's the best compliment?

                                                    ­               *You have a pretty soul.

I miss you like you don't even know-
And all the things I whispered to myself
As the days go by,
its not working
and the words just disappear into the wind.

The shaking to my aching bones
miss your every embrace,
the solace and life you breathed into them
turning more brittle by the minute.

I think it's just me though.

Sometimes I let my mind wander
And sometimes
It leads itself into
Voids of despair,
All on its own.
It'll find a thought,
And stay nestled in its cold
Embrace,
Thoughts like,
"He's done with your ******* and doesn't love you," (my personal favorite and current one- it always gets me)
"Everything is going to go to ****,"
"******,"
"Idiot,"
"There's no point for you to live."

But I always climb out.
I just...
Sometimes lose a limb or two,
And stay for a bit longer than necessary.

I guess my body has come to realize
That it won't see you in real life
At least,
Not any time soon.
It won't hear from you,
And it can't remember
What it was like to laugh with you,
To have an actual conversation with you...

It finally realized this,
And I guess...
I guess that's why it keeps trying to hold on,
Putting you in my dreams,
Making sure you are there
So I can never forget.

But with this,
The sadness always rolls in.
The longing of how things used to be.
The merriness of it all.
Come back home.

Here comes the anger and the tears and the frustration.
The yelling.
The punching.
The frustration.

Oh how senseless anger overwhelms me... even for the smallest things....

You can't love a corpse,
whether it's beautiful or not,
you just can't.

Guess that's why you left.

You finally got past my defenses,
all the fences I put up,
but I refuse to let you keep going.

You surge forwards, shoving me aside,
and you entered the chamber of my heart.

Now you're stuck inside,
no way out.
I warned you.
Guess you're stuck there now.
You'll have to deal with my incompetence.

We were nothing but children trying
to find our way in the world
Clambering our way over corpses
and clinging onto sweet nothings
until we found each other
and grew to be
adults.

I'll be your demonic little angel! ;)

I'm sitting here,
quiet.
observant.
Everyone is abuzz, high on freedom,
Everyone,
such a vague word.
The Fab Five,
The Dark Side,
The Invasive Species,
The Nerds,
The ******* *******,
The Everyone Else.
All talking
          and talking
                    and talking...
Unable to see the depressed face nearby,
the pushed around,
the true sadness that hides beneath a blanket
but still has small slips through the seams.

But the scary thought is,
I'm here with all my "friends"
but I've never felt so alone before.

I had a friend...

She would keep a smile on everywhere she went,
always cheerful,
always a glimmer in her eyes,
full on happy.

She helped everyone she saw,
she was a friend to most,
friendly, outgoing, kind.

One day,
she left.
The flowers began to droop,
the clouds darkened overhead,
the tears falling.
The sky began to cry and lament for her,
the children she once greeted out on the streets,
they too left,
hidden away in little cupboards
the smiles she used to give and receive,
ripped off of faces
and replaced with agony.

Maybe it was because
what we all thought was right,
maybe it wasn't alright.

We've been circling around ourselves
and not others.
Forgetting about her when she needed someone most.
"Do unto others what you want someone to do unto you"
A lie.
She waited.
She hoped.
She smiled and hoped everyone,
yearning for someone to help her back.

No once came.

No one cared to ask,
"How are you really?"
Even as she stood expectedly, waiting to burst in grief and tears,
just wanting to be held.

But the only one that matters most is you, right?
Hah.

Is it possible to love someone too much?

*Yes.

You cheated me out of living.

The 14th of February.
La fête d'amoreux.
The one day that actually encourages
More public displays of affection.
Isn't there already enough?
Thanks for reminding me how lonely I was.

I used to despise Valentine's Day.
I still kind of do.
Mais, maintenant, ce n'est pas une grande problème.
Actually, I kinda look forward to it.
Gives me an excuse to be even more affectionate.

I understand now.
I understand the public displays of affection,
The loving way people stare at each other,
The dazed looks in people's eyes.
I understand.

I guess maybe,
It's the pain of yesterday
That reminds me that I have you
Today and tomorrow.

I found you again
Siting at the park
With discarded roses
At your feet,
Looking for a way to get back to me,
To hold me like you used to.
I'm glad I found you-
You would've never found me,
I was lost too.

The remedy to a tough day,
The antibiotics,
The ointment
To sooth away all my pains
Is you.

No matter what,
even if I can't stand anything right now,
you always make me smile.

It's hard to leave
The things you hold dear to your heart,
Its hard to leave your home,
The things you hold oh so close to you...
But sometimes the wild
It beckons
And sends you a crooked finger
Motioning for you to come closer...

Drowning, drowning in this fathomless abyss of unrequited love, where so many have fallen before

Air,
The need for air--
So strong--as strong as the need for you in my life.

Oh, how I swoon at the thought of just
being there, by your side,
maybe even in your arms...

The waves rock my heart
Back and forth...
A lullaby starts to ring in my ears
Your name,gently spoken
By the water

But this does nothing to calm
the canniballistic urges that
crowd and overpower my being.

Was reading past emails again...
got really blushy and embarrassed
just like the first time I ever read your replies...
I wanna cry now... I miss you so badly.
Not the flirting, not your adventures,
but I miss the way you made me feel:
important.
You made me feel like someone wants me for once,
and sees me the way I see them,
in that wonder, with that intensity.
I hope you're okay, mon cher.
I want to be the one that carry your worries,
to help you through tough times.
Sometimes, it's better to worry about someone else
than yourself.
In fact I prefer it.

Did I say I miss you yet?

Dark,
gray,
lonely.
Baren with lost souls wandering the streets,
empty hearts,
empty stomachs,
empty eyes.

Then,
it came.

It dropped from the sky
the way tears fall from my cheek.
Little bundles of cold,
freezing the burning
hurt,
drenching the scars
with a blanket of a new day
a new thought.

They rise from the dead,
back,
alive,
and ready to roll.
Smiles leap across like rainbows on skies,
eyes lit the way you build a bonfire with frosty trembling hands,
movements jerky with fervor.

They're back.

Your name fits so well in my mouth,
I can roll it around,
Like a ball,
Fling it across,
Catch it.

The pursing of swollen lips,
Just to whisper your name in agony
And yearning,
It feels so
right.
Like it's meant to be said.
To be heard.
To be known.