I’ve gone through too much, I have thought too much, I still need help and I am ashamed for it. I could throw a dart at the options to choose from as for reasons why and how I got to be this low and any of them work, but I am completely isolated from help nor do I need any. I simply don’t care.  I’ve made up a story as for how I got here because it’s the only thing that makes sense, but the truth is that isn’t what happened, and i never really will know what did.  it doesn’t really matter what happened, sometimes I wish that it did

When I look back, the life I used to cherish I can only see through critical eyes, photographed on a broken camera. The things I’ve done are narrated by demeaning comments. I used to fight against this perspective; what is there to do when you can’t

I don’t know what I want to do next. I don’t know if I ever really have. When i’m very cold and I’m in the mindset that things will never get better, I have a vision I’m currently holding onto. It’s twenty five years from now. I’m at a lake house with my friends from the other place. we’re listening to the chicks, we’re all a lot closer at this point, the suns beating down, I’m fully thawed. I’m sipping on a can of cider with a visually appealing label. I’m close to retirement, I have no regrets in my life, just nice memories, but it still hits good when i sing along to the words “standing right here until you see how you broke me”

pink skies played from the sky every day and we listened like it was the first time, every time, together. i miss the feeling of a warm circle, a communal dinner, and the never ending creaking doors i grew to love. you can photograph a beautiful forest, you can't recreate the sounds of life. these days the silence lets itself in slowly, discreet. the door behind it doesn't creak. by dark it is the loudest thing in the room. i fear the day it no longer makes a sound. i promise myself i will not get used to the presence of absence and all its subtleties in a way that feels like a race. the only unwanted guest. no place at this table, no chance to settle in

I feel happiest when i’m writing about sadness. The words drain out of my heart and onto the paper and it leaves me a little less heavy. These days I walk around with weights tied to my legs and balloons in my hands, constantly dragging myself down no matter how hard I try to float. Lately I’ve been using your name as an explanation for my sadness and for my relief and for everything in between. You are the sole cause and effect, you are the headline in a newspaper that contains only one article, written by me about you, for you. If I could I would do everything for you; but you don’t want that, do you? Every thought ends with you and every night ends with you and the end of me might be because of you, too. We’ve had our ups and downs and our ons and offs but the lights look like they’re flickering for the last time and I don’t think you’ll still be here when they come back on. You lit an electrical fire and then left me alone in the dark and I can’t see a clear way out of this mess. Even if there was one, I don’t think I could follow it. There’s something about the pain and the way you make it feel like safety that keeps me here on the brink of ecstasy and insanity. how many times are you able to tell yourself that the highs are worth the lows before it becomes the truth and you aren’t able to unbelieve it? If I could unbelieve every promise you ever made me I would, but someone once told me that there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and i’m pathetically hopeful for you. Sometimes my mind will wander and I'll realize that my thoughts aren’t the same as they were before and my heart doesn’t beat like it used to and I can’t find anything to blame for this other than you. It’s not fair that you had the power to give me something to look forward to, something to live for and then just rip it away and make it look just as easy, but you did. I will not forgive you because you will not apologize,  so i'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough to satisfy the expectations you set oh so high for love, and I'm sorry you weren't willing to give up the same as I was for what we had. I guess some things aren't meant to be no matter how much you wish for them. My only wish now is to forget you and I pray this one comes true.

I miss you and its dark out
All the places we once stood remain the same and i'm not sure if you even remember them
They scream at me as I drive by
Killing me slowly and dying to be noticed
My eyes betray me as I dare not to look
My brain creates a familiar taste on my lips, not actually there but so fresh it might as well be
Memory is only there when you don’t want it to be
I guess the same could be said for your attention
I ask myself if I want love or if I want you but again I fail to see the difference
You asked me once for five more minutes and I had to stop myself from promising forever
I told the moon and the sky all about you
Time doesn’t care what we do
You come with the type of pain that makes loneliness sound appealing but I’d take a heartache over dreams any day, because at least it happened, if all that remains are broken pieces of all the good that once was then so be it
We wrote a story without an ending
A romance and a comedy and a drama all in one
We really had it, didn’t we? It’s too bad no one watched our show
I’d soften your world if you let me, promise sunshine to your tomorrows
All to never see love leave your eyes again
No more push and pull, only an equilibrium of love and warmth
But that’s the thing, it’s hardly possible with us two
The girl with dreams of everything and nothing and the boy who doesn’t come with a happy ending
Maybe some things are only meant to be learned from
If the only thing I ever did was help you prepare for the next, then I can lay at peace tonight
Remember me

I was not your first choice

I was not your second choice

At a point in time you told me differently but after nine months of trying to figure you out the only conclusion i’ve drawn is that your bitersweet words don’t mean anything at all

they say there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and thats the last bit of hope I’ve been holding on to lately

you said that one day it’ll all come together but little did you know I knew exactly what you meant that night in the park

It isn’t your fault but mine for not seeing the warning signs earlier on and turning around right then and there

it isnt your fault that i trusted you

it isnt your fault that i loved you

it isnt your fault that i put you on the highest pedestal and broke down when you failed to live up

the worst thing in the world is when you can feel someone slowly slipping away and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop them

it happened with a best friend and it happened with you and somehow these two always tie together

the moment it ends is the moment when you stop denying the truth and finally admit to someone’s withdrawal from your life

for now, you’re still here, in recent memories and in call histories and in the back of my mind

but nothing ever lasts, i’ve seen it all before

our constant arguments about who cares about who more play like an old song in the back of my mind, sad, but my favourite nonetheless

I cant possibly fathom how you could spend so much time trying to convince me you care about me just to leave like nothing was said at all

maybe i answered my own question, maybe you convinced me but you never actually showed it

maybe i played it too cool, acted so uninterested that you thought I was

looking back at what we were is like watching a bridge fall to flames, and
then watching it rebuild itself only to combust again, over and over and over

our history seems so tragic and beautiful to me but its probably just another failed teen relationship from the outside looking in

the most powerful thing ive ever had the pleasure to experience

poetry of the senses, a bright stain on the vision

and so much of it is chance

I taught myself how to write but you taught me how to love you

you showed me a blue sky when chemistry made me feel worthless and I thought “there has to be something easier than this”

I am not a scientist and you are not an answer but maybe we can just both pretend for the night

(to be continued)

today I finished work and in the vibrant yellow hues of the sun rising I saw solutions
I saw peace
I jumped (literally) out the drive thru window and you looked at me like I was crazy
our different moods had something to do with how you started at 5am and I finished at 6
but don’t tell me I didn’t make you a little happier when I poured you that espresso
don’t tell me you didn’t see the potential of this beautiful day
I looked up after a long week of rain, not a cloud in sight
don’t tell me we’re not connected to the earth
I woke up at 3 and its blue outside now, like I closed my eyes for a second and everything changed