fear
only rewards
brutality

reading through my poems
I want to throw away all but a dozen
out of the thousands I’ve written
and maybe
that’s the way art is:
a process of creation
and then
destruction,
over and
over and
over
until the making
outweighs the taking
and my vision
can be
achieved.

or maybe
I just got lucky
those dozen or so times
and the other thousand or so
is really what I’m capable of
and I should probably
realize what that means
about
me.

or maybe
I’m just looking
for excuses to quit
because I’m so close
to being as good
as I dreamed
but now
the true sacrifices
must begin.

the greatest power the light of god ever had
was casting shadows on that which we did
not want to see.

count to one, two, three
take a deep, deep breath
expand your chest
let it all go slowly
take another
let it out
slower.

count to five this time
slap yourself in the face
does it sting?
if not, again
do it until
you wake
up.

there’s no more counting
get up, shake off yourself
become new, leave your past
there on the floor,
and see how different it is
how unlike you it is
how little it means
as you go
forward.

take one, two, three steps
with your new legs.
feel how your new feet
bury themselves
in this new earth.
start walking a new path
and find yourself a new
destination.

come on,
it’s time to go.

you know what?
**** it.

don’t worry about it.
don’t stop and think,
jump into your days with two feet!
if you’ve ever wanted to
you might as well
because really
the worst thing
that can happen?

you die?

so what?

if death takes nothing away
then it’s not really that bad,
is it?

so make life worth it!
play your songs as loud as they’ll go!
sing! dance! move! run!
take a chance! ask her out!
**** things up!
don’t worry!
never let anything
be boring
or
dull
or
pointless.

you are the master of your universe.
go out and make the most of it.

you should know
that those who take things so seriously
are usually the ones who can’t decide
if there’s anything
they really should take
seriously at all (at least,
in the grand scheme
of things).

I had forgotten
what it was like to bolt up
at three AM with the want, no,
the undeniable need,
to write
the feeling
you had at that moment
because it was all clear for once
everything made perfect sense
and you needed to take note
or else you’d forget it
forever

I had thought
I couldn’t have feelings
like this anymore
that through
growth and aging
I had become outgrown
or immune
to such strong
forces
and
yet:
here I am,
writing down
this moment of intense clarity
so that I won’t forget
that I am still human
that I am still feeling
that I am still making it
even if I felt lost for
these past few
years.

forgive yourself,
I realized,
and I had to take
note.