It’s been a long journey, yes,
but I am still moving.
I don’t understand how to accept kindness,
and I’m sure I’m insensitive —
I’m getting there.
I’m moving past years of resentment,
piles of bitter, stinking trash and ****,
to being able to give
as well.

I’ve always been bashful about those
being kind to me,
and doubly so when I am kind
to others.
I am kind without an audience.
Certainly it stems from feeling unworthy
if kindness received,
and feeling my kindness is an unworthy
reciprocation.
Sometimes it’s self-fulfilling.

Up until recently in my life,
I’ve never been able to give anything physical.
I’m still trying to understand if I’m
emotionally bankrupt,
so that’s uncertain.

My birthday is soon, and Christmas is coming.
December always forces these feelings into light,
but I’m still making progress on them
year by year.

We all want to be liked
To have people see
The version of ourselves
We choose to be
And say, yeah
That's someone I admire
I aspire to be like
We all want someone
To look back on
The snapshots we've accrued
Over years of holidays,
***** nights,
And picture perfect food
And say, look
Here's someone who's got things sussed
We all want someone
To validate our lives
To comment that we're doing just fine
You're great
You're pretty
Your smart
Well, I guess that's a good start

We all want someone
To click that **** thumb
And validate the effort
Of keeping the mask on

tomas mi cuello
y me tiras al suelo
lames mi sangre
y te conviertes en mi dueño
grito por ayuda
mas no la recibo
aquellos que dicen amarme
solo son expectantes ante mi peligro
¿que fue lo que hice mal?
¿ser un humano normal?
puedes sentirte orgulloso
de que mi muerte causaras
yo confié en ti
como en ellos también
mas de mi confianza abusaste
y ahora moriré
no digas amarme
tras causarme el dolor
de la gran desconfianza
murmullos y temor