You are singing silence out in the yard,
the newly empty nest hanging overhead,
like cliché clouds of grey, foreboding so.
Twee words feather dust the ironclad guard
with your feelings locked in its bear trap jaws,
hold them long enough and they will starve.

Stoicism has its cost.

Oh Ghost bird, how can I fix what is wrong
if the tune is subdued? Sing it slow.
Let the words bend at the edges,
allow your voice to crack and crow.
There is beauty in its breaking,
a love in the nakedness of it all.

...

Muted light shown though like saltwater
spraying through holes in the canopy’s hull,
kissing your eyelids with a warm familiar glow.
Twisting paths of gnarly branches pass
towards either dark clouds or blue skies
and you are drowning under all its mass.

Confusion has its cost.

Oh Ghost bird, how can I fix what is wrong
if the tune is subdued? Sing it slow.
Let the words bend at the edges,
allow your voice to crack and crow.
There is beauty in its breaking,
a love in the nakedness of it all.

...

I meet you underneath the dogwood tree,
arms around arms, my forehead against yours
the rain now falling ever so softly under the sun.
I am pleading, let go the injured doe, yelping there
in the grasp of your iron bite and in the daylight
let go of what holds you in the dark of night.

Romance has its cost.

Oh Ghost bird, how can you fix what is wrong
if the tune is subdued? I’ll sing it slow.
Let the words bend at the edges,
allow my voice to crack and crow.
There is beauty in its breaking,
a love in the nakedness of it all.

Dear Me from 2013,

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to stop smiling and being “the good child” or “the perfect student”. Your parents’ problems are not your responsibility, are not your fault, are not your priority, and you cannot fix it. Mostly because it won’t matter, and it won’t change. Take it from me. Your friends are by your side. They do care about how your feeling and will take time to listen to you. You are not a burden. You are not an empty conch shell.

Do not blindly trust. Do not let HIM into your heart, not all the way. He is a serpent disguised as a beam of sunlight. He makes you feel good now, but he will become the only person in the world who understands you, or even sees you. But as soon as he is done with you, he will desert you. You will be alone, with a void in your heart that is still empty even now, a void that causes you to cry late into the night and feel empty in the day. He is NOT WORTH IT.

Please, please, PLEASE eat food. Ask for it, beg for it, but do not listen to your mom. You are 120 lbs but that is not criminal, you’re in high school. Do not go on those protein shake cleanses for weeks to months at a time. You are not fat.

And most importantly, you are beautiful. You are kind, intelligent, courageous, uplifting, way too selfless for your own good, and you love. Just because you are sad, it does not mean you are not these things. Your seemingly negative emotions do not define who you are. Reach out to others and stop pulling yourself inward and away from people, because people can take you out of your fear of yourself. People will make you laugh, will make you smile, will make you forget, even if for a little while.

Remember PINK. Always remember PINK. It is who you are, and through it you will always find your way back to your core.

Me

P.S. Binging Black Butler and Markiplier is completely acceptable, too. Never be ashamed <3
P.P.S. don’t take all those AP classes. Your highest score will be a 3, and you’re going to go to art school anyways.

I've looked bad but felt good
I've looked good but felt bad
I've looked bad and felt bad
I've looked good and felt good

I've failed so many times I can't count
I've learned so much I can't find individual moments

I have gradually increased

But I am finding myself

I am finding the confidence to strut out of my dorms like I'm walking on the runway
I have found myself so sad my body has become immobile

I am growing stronger

Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

I am finding God in the most random moments, but when I do it is glorious

I find myself alone too often
I find myself feeling alone too often
I find myself hiding too often

I'm ready to let my potential loose
And become the lion I am meant to be

If tomorrow was my last
I'd do nothing.
I wouldn't skydive
I wouldn't travel
I wouldn't do everything
I've ever wanted to do.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd do as always.
I'd get up
I'd read my bible
I'd go to school
and have an average day.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd act as normal.
I'd smile to others
I'd say "hello"
I'd do my best
as I try every day.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd tell no one.
I wouldn't shout it
I wouldn't scream it
I wouldn't sing it
from every single rooftop.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd never know it.
That's why my usual
day to day consists
of all things I love
the very most.

If tomorrow were my very last
what I do today would be enough.
It would make me smile
It would make me laugh
It would make me happy
Because I have learned always
to be content in the ordinary.

“do you still love me?”,
i asked.

and i waited for minutes,
for hours,
for days,
every moments,
and i received nothing
but silence.

i should have known,
the absence of his words,
is the answer.