Sometimes I
  pray for dawn,
    for this city
     to wake up
      & release a
   cacophony of
noise, for
engines to start
   & kettles to boil,
    for workers to
     drill huge holes
    in dirt roads,
anything but this 
   silent abyss
     that makes me
   want to flee
 mid sleep,
steal a car;
 ignite a spark
    in a never
        ending dark

My past lies
  like a deep
    still lake,
a record of
all my mistakes
swimming
  within its soul
& I want to burn
them all, but
   how do you
take a flame to
water?
it just stays,
    forms ripples,
sometimes small,
    sometimes
biblical, all I can
   do is wait for
drought, for
  clouds to move
& sun to come
    out; the day
I will wake
   & not see a lake
but a clean slate

they    were      not      
     someone      you  
could        lust    over,  
they    were     fey,      
blood       not    running
   the     usual     way,  
they     made     me      
   dream    of    streams  
touched    by  moon
beams,    ice     cold    
  fields  at       dawn,      
every     season    I      
have    ever      known
breathing      within
    their     bones;    
dark      woods      were  
organs   once     stood;    
    each      touch    a    
   crunch      underfoot      
revealing   another        
layer  so       deep,      you    
doubt   you     will 
   ever      reach     the    
heart       of      its    beat.

on this night    
each star is      
listening to
me as if we      
are lovers
whispering
I love you
across        
continents,
reaching out
into oceans  
of sky & 
plucking each
other down,
like a fish    
caught on
a line;
recalling    
how it felt
to be held 
by an orb so    
warm you
forgot the cold     
black hole
of old

Another day
     to wonder
if vows
pledged
       last night
will
withstand the
  coming light,
if they will
sprout
limbs & rise
with me in
this
      reality or
if they
will fade,
     grow pale,
shrink back 
      into dark,
never to enter 
     this world
& make their
    mark

today a dark 
sky is
   wrapping
itself around
my town,
squeezing
    all that
surrounds
in its strong
muscular
   hands, one
solitary crow
    manages
to slip free,
flies over
highways,
      streets
& trees,
I watch it
enviously as
it disappears
thinking
what I
would do
      for a pair
    of wings

My      demons  
   have     grown  
plump  over  
  these    long  
winter   months,  
  feasting  off    
cold      blood  
making    me  
crave     the  
warm   spring  
sun,     green   
meadows   of  
small   yellow     
buds     peaking 
  above    Earth;  
any     small    
    sign     of  
rebirth   in  me  
&    also   
      out      there

If her childlike
  self was to see
her now what
would
         she think
would
       the shock
freeze
her heart to a
still beat make
her turn & run
       back to the
dream, the
encounter
      shattering
her
     at the seams
as if
   they were two
elements that
could
not exist together
separated by age
      & heartache,
         everything
that had
  changed, blood,
        brain, dna
or would they
embrace,
     reconnect,
      vow to start
again