a flock abandoning a tree

a storm of wings

the blowing wind

the silence, then

and me

i heard it in his voice,
desperation was
seeping from his lungs
through the phone that night.
he wouldn't let me off because
he thought i was going to do it.
i kept trying to reassure him that i was okay
and that i was talking about myself over the
past few weeks and months, not in that
exact moment.

alas, he didn't let me sleep alone that night.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he
begged me to stay because things will be better one day
and i know they will be, but its just so hard to see sometimes.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he gave me more reasons
to live as quickly as he could, because i could feel how afraid he was.

he is wonderful, and i am grateful for him everyday.
i don't want him to have desperation in his voice ever again when it
comes to me, because its not fair to him that he has to worry about
someone so broken.

i just want him to be happy, and i want to be there when he is.

They kiss your arms and say you are beautiful. They trace old scars and say you are beautiful. They rub the cuts and say you are beautiful.

But I am not beautiful. This is not beautiful. This is a disaster, a walking wreck. While you all sleep sound at night we stay up, our fingers walking over our old friends and breaking skin with razor blades, unleashing memories. We are hitting our thighs with fists fueled with the words like "you woukd be prettier if..",  reverberating through our skulls. We are chugging water and not eating in the hopes of obtaining a beauty that no one can or should obtain. We are purging the nourishment while you lay full, bellies satisfied.
While you had dreamless nights, we never left our night mares. The monsters from our dreams followed us into reality, but no one looks hard enough to see them but, only the already broken witness the events.

They say you are beautiful, but do they even know what they mean? What they are doing? Because this is anything but beautiful. This is a broken house of fire.

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

You know you love them when
you still want the best for them and
you tell them to say "I love you"
to their new boyfriend
because you know
that the worst crime is
not letting someone know that
you them them too.

I could
seriously love you.

If I don't leave now, then I'll never get away.

You left me because it's what you said that I needed to grow,
but what I needed most in that moment was you and your love
that you stopped giving me so slowly and then all at once.
I was living off of you like you were a drug,
and I think that's why you needed to leave.
The thought of us suffocated you,
and the thought of you being without me choked me.
You pushed me headfirst into the ocean that is you and
the further you pushed me, the more I drowned.
Because we are (were?) connected,
you started drowning too.
You started coughing up water and gasping for air.
That's the worst kind of love, I think.
Believing you're the best for them, while in reality
you're the worst thing that they could ever be faced with.
You stopped helping me grow in January.
I knew it, but I couldn't face it.
I had hope for February,
after all, we had just made a year...
But even the best of times cannot overshadow
the love that had been lost during that cold, harsh month.
And March, well to hell with that month.
Everything awful usually happens in that month,
and I knew it was coming.
I was a fool in love to believe you still loved me all the same
like you did just a few months before.
I was a ******* fool to believe that you tried.
Maybe soon I'll be able to breathe,
but as for now,
I need to get out of here and to be surrounded by
stimulating minds and intelligent conversations.
I just need to get away.