im not interested.
sorry man.

perhaps,

somethings are better off unsaid,

you expect too much.
he doesn’t wanna do anything
you expect me to do something

i’m sorry that i’m not ******* good enough for you.
i’m sorry that i don’t want them to touch my ******* things.
i’m sorry for having boundaries????

sometimes i wish you would just hit me so i would have actual proof of what you make me suffer through

when is it an appropriate time to die? i am so done with this.

if i die then i won’t have to deal with all of this hullshit and pain and stupidity and eveufjjgn i need to be gone now!!!!!!!!! then they will all realize they ****** up and are stupid

depression
anxiety
PTSD
stockholm syndrome
insomnia
anorexia
bulimia
paranoia
bipolar disorder
schizophrenia?

what does it feel like to love?
do i love him?
or do i love her?
i don’t know.

i heard he likes me;
but what does that mean?
does he enjoy my presence?
am i fun around him?
do i make him happy?

he used to like my best friend though,
we joke around, saying
“oh he has a thing for orchestra girls”

unfortunately, i can’t say i like him back;
but i also can’t say that i don’t like him.
because i simply do not feel such a thing.

i heard that if you want to spend time with a certain person,
for the rest of your life, you love them.
if i want to spend the rest of my life with one person,
to do amazing things like,
travel the world,
overcome all our fears,
and so on,

it would be nobody.

i miss when we had a thing.

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

let me **** myself already

i’m not worth it

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

i crave you like how a person craves food. i crave your touch like i am missing a piece of myself without it. i find myself yearning for you, for your touch, your everything. you are a constant thought in my mind and i want nothing more than to be with you. everything about you makes me gravitate towards you and yearn for you. i want to be close to you, so close we could be one. so close that our hearts are intertwined and pump the same blood. i want you. i need you. i need you like how animals need to drink or to eat. i need you like how fish need water. i need you like you are a basic human necessity that everyone needs in order to survive. a part of me needs a part of you to survive. i love you, and i love you more than anything. you make me feel good, feel euphoric, like no one else. my heart beats for you and only you.

with every word
you shatter my heart
and again
i feel like i am nothing.

"i loved you"
to me?

"love you"
to her



i-

i might cry?

i ******* knew it

why is it such a surprise

you dont love me!

i’m a bit broken right now, not gonna lie.
i can’t sleep and- 6/24/2019 12:19am

i must’ve given up. thrown the phone across the room.

you take away everything that makes me happy

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

i feel as if
i am not the one meant for this body
i am not meant to be here ?

i am not meant
i am not

i don’t know who this is
i don’t have a purpose
i don’t have a future
i have nothing
ii would be better off dead

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

oh  i am meant to die soon   i see nothing  for my future

you dont like me. i know

i wish you knew the physical pain i feel in my heart every time you do this

i wish you knew i pray for him to let me go in my sleep peacefully

i wish you knew that i have no reason to keep going

i wish you knew just how much i love you

i hope you know it’s not your fault

the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

"i swear shes not replacing you. she was just there for me when you had your online relationships"



no. she's replacing me.

she's replacing all of us.


you're just letting it happen.


i'll find someone else since it seems like you don't need me anymore.

i feel like a piece of shattered glass clinging together with tape

i can’t breathe.
i’m crying
my hand hurts from punching the door

and it’s all my fault.

ITS NOT MY ******* FAULT THAT HES A *****

HE THINKS ITS OKAY TO HIT THE DOOR AFTER I SAID THAT IM GETTING READY.

I HAVE A LIFE, YKNOW?

I GET READY IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE YOU.

I DONT SIT IN FRONT OF THE ******* TV ALL DAY TO PLAY GAMES

I AM A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS AND-

and i want to die because of you people.

bye.

is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

i think it will be okay if i die soon

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

okay guys

so much anger and sadness all solutions include me dying

“how come he don’t want me?”

smile. your feelings dont matter.
just fake it.
just agree with him.
tell him what he wants to hear.
suppress your emotions.
stop the ptsd.
oh- wait.
its fake,
according to him, it's all fake.
no worries.
i dont need a therapist.
after all,
it's all ******* fake.
my feelings,
depression,
anxiety,
insomnia,
anorexia,
ptsd,
panic attacks,
they're all
fake!
i've had 3 panic attacks.
so what?
f a k e
they're fake right?
why then?
why can't i feel anything?
why does it hurt so badly?

i just wrote 5-6 suicide notes to people and im not done yet

you said you hate my music

have you even listened to the lyrics?

im trying to tell you how i feel and




you dont want to hear it

it doesn’t feel right to be in this female body.

i want to be a boy now.

my new name is evan.

i could become an eboy

they seem nice

i make everything for them just to get nothing

you are my worst ******* nightmare i   remember everything you did every time i am alone  i  can never forget what you did to Me   but to you   i am nothing  but a liar   and a horrible person    Maybe think about what You   did to me   for years   and allowed others to do    Remember your body shaming   and manipulation    and general abusive behavior but  Oh  Oh!!  you   are always the ******* victim

just please shut the **** up.

you're so ******* annoying

you call me names

you give me bruises


isnt that illegal?

you *****

okay i’m tired of being treated like the dirt on your shoe but you don’t get it because you think you’re the best ever in the world

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

im not your perfect ***** <3

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

why would you tell me?!
i know ****

why the hell would you tell me anything

your life is with them

only them

im nothing now

im nothing ****

you dont ******* care.

i mean
youd rather love her.

cause yknow.
you ******* love her

"ill always love you"
"ill never leave you"
"love you babe"

*******.
liar.
you dont.
dont lie to me.

please,
dont lie to me.

i know you love her

leave me behind.

i dare you

leave me.
leave.
now.

i know you dont care

so just stop it..

i know youd rather date her

i know

i know

i know.

bye
.
.
.
.

BYE..

i-

you dont love me

nevermind.