unnamed stargazer

unnamed stargazer Jan 2020

day one, you said it was nice to meet me

day three, you walked me to my door

day seven, you laughed and I started to fall

day thirteen, you blushed when I said you were cute

day sixteen, you stayed with me when I was alone

day nineteen, you said my laugh was endearing

day twenty, you told me you liked me

day twenty-one: please don't stop

three weeks can take a soul by storm

unnamed stargazer Jan 2020

sick

i feel homesick but i don't miss home

i think i am familiarsick

comfortsick

safesick

happysick

sometimes just plain sick

unnamed stargazer Dec 2019

angel

if a year

is all i was meant to help him through,

then i am thankful.

if he must be drawn away

to touch another life,

then i am thankful

for that, too

i'll be here when you need me

#friendiversary

unnamed stargazer Nov 2019

someday

i will meet someone

who does not look down at me

but instead meets my gaze straight across

and is in awe of who i am.

simply

and fully.

someday i will meet someone.

i am sure of it.

and i will be equal to him

unnamed stargazer Sep 2019

giver

I once killed a sunflower
by giving it too much water
and I read somewhere that that was beautiful,
because it meant I didn't know when
to stop giving.
But tell me,
all-knowing poet,
where is the beauty
if the end result was death?

flowers are so, so lovely
and so, so mortal

#sunflower #flower #watering #giving #death

unnamed stargazer Aug 2019

twentieth

I stood out on the porch tonight
and looked up at the endless sky,
feeling more nostalgic than I have
in a long time.
I think I might have cried a little.
It was hard to tell.
I think I might be a bit scared.
It’s hard to tell that, too.
I think I’m beginning to learn
bit by bit
more about who I am,
but so much of who that is
is still so uncertain—
so uncertain that I stared at this blank page
before I even thought of a title.
But
if I have made twenty years today
then perhaps tomorrow
is not such a frightening step.
I haven’t faced everything,
and I know I won’t.
But today
marks two decades.
Today
still stands.

I pray I will, too

#twentieth #birthday #secured #frightened #future

unnamed stargazer Aug 2019

progress

I don’t remember
living without these tools.
life without sharpness—
well, it was dull.
I don’t remember
these bedroom walls with no secrets
those dresser drawers with no loose screws
this old mattress with no bandage stock.
when I was younger,
the guilt used to rise in my throat
like a meal that didn’t agree with me,
and the only thing that helped me swallow it
was turning the picture frames
so all of those smiling eyes
wouldn’t look so sad.
I should have let it turn my stomach instead.
but now I’m older
and my hands are shaking
because the guilt doesn’t make me sick like it used to,
and my only sanity is the very thing I lie about.
but here I am,
with nothing in my hands
no secrets on my sleeve
no lies on my lips
no blood on my fingers
and storm it all, let me see these as good things;
let me remember the childhood distaste for pain
let me be human once again.
just let me look at how far I’ve come
and smile

one step at a time

#progress #free #self #harm