This feeling, it’s not just a cloud hanging over me, it’s a whole **** storm, and I brought it on myself. My chest aches, yeah, but it’s not just anxiety anymore; it’s guilt, sharp and cold. And my stomach… God, it’s not just churning from dread, it’s from the memory of how I made their stomach churn, how I tied their insides in knots. I can almost taste the bile now, from the sheer regret of it all.
I keep trying to tell myself, "It's just a phase, you'll get over it." Like the pain I caused will just evaporate. But it doesn't. Every single day, that heavy, gray cloud is still there, darker now, because it's stained with what I did. When I look in the mirror, I don't just see a tired person; I see the **** who broke their heart, the one who took their trust and stomped on it. That vibrant person I used to be? They’re gone, replaced by this hollowed-out shell that’s constantly on the verge of throwing up from the shame.
Is this it? Is this just how I am now? The person who wrecked something beautiful, who caused so much pain? The thought just makes my stomach clench tighter. I wish it was just a temporary sadness, a bad mood I could shake off. But this feels deeper, more entrenched. It’s not just me anymore; it’s the ghost of what I did, haunting every single moment. And I can’t help but wonder if the good in me, the person who wasn't capable of such damage, has just withered away for good, leaving only this wreckage behind.