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A Koop Jul 5
I know now
For sure
That I am middle-aged
Because this morning as I walked my dog around the campground loop
I saw a teenaged girl bringing her towel to the clothesline
And then, she let the wind hold it with her
And gently tug it in her hands
She stood idly for a few moments watching its shadow shift on the gravel
No hurry no haste
And I thought
Wow, that is just so wholesome
And I wished I could stay there in that moment with her
But instead I walked on as it I hadn’t just witnessed something precious
A Koop Jul 5
When I was a kid my mom bought me some worry dolls. I thought they were cute and also kind of creepy. And I thought it would be mean to give worry to a tiny doll to carry.
Why did she buy them? Maybe I chose them.
I don’t remember worrying, and I didn’t use the dolls.
Now my mind wakes me at 4am to make up for lost time.
A Koop Jul 5
How do I know what I should do?
If uncertainty is not enough knowing, confusion feels like too much knowing
There is this but then there is also that
And everything else.
When knowledge accumulates
but doesn’t add up
I don’t know, I can’t know
Full and empty at the same time
Something and also nothing
A nest of tangled thoughts but no fluttering
No nestling
It simply is and isn’t becoming anything
No matter how complex or long in the making,
a nest doesn’t create something new
Confusion is wondering why
An unproductive thing won’t produce
A failure of insight, or oversight;
Or being in too tight to see what needs seeing.

But how do I understand what I cannot untangle?
Of course I will keep building nests
Because maybe the next one will be the birthplace of meaning.
A Koop Jul 5
Her pain is real and powerful and now.
Activating withdrawal protocol practiced thousands of times from the very beginning, for survival in a war zone where the threat was always near.

Where is the soldier-father who gives of himself to protect his little girl and her livelihood?
He sees only his own needs.
He has insufficient fortitude, insufficient courage, insufficient strength.
He won’t stand up.
He lashes out.
And indulges.
To dull his piercing hunger he takes the very flesh of those he should protect.
Pain on pain compounding.
What a tragedy.

Where is the hen-mother who covers her children with her warmth, even as the cold presses upon her?
She is busy hedging the fear
and then pruning the hedges.
She is gazing at a map that only shows her what has already past.
She will attend to the chaos when the storm passes.
Her children pass by instead, the storm now inside. Their inheritance.
What a burden.

What a waste, she says.

Still, somehow
The little girl who was given so little, and from whom so much was taken, grows into a woman who can give.
She empties her purse of her pennies and finds it is not empty.
It is a miraculous offering.
Tiny seeds tumble into fertile lives and the light green magic of love roots and shoots through the generations.
From not-enough comes something new.

Love eternally returns.
A Koop Jun 28
he walks now with such gentleness
he gazes upon the world with wide eyes
that show him secrets
about how everyone is lovable
he treads so lightly with his children
that the imprint left on their memories will be
gentleness
and riddles
and quiet
they will not resent him
but then, when the time comes
to cherish and care
will they join him in the place of forgetting
where asking for so little is asking to be ignored
A Koop Jun 28
I don’t think I can find
The place where I can rest
It must arrive some other way
A Koop Jun 28
They’re sitting outside on a park bench.
I can see them through the window
so I guess I’m spying, sort of.
He’s leaning in, left leg crossed over right in her direction. His arm is reaching around her, thumb brushing her bare upper arm, eyes scanning her face, Heart on the line.
She is stiff, straight as a stalwart tree with just a slight, very slight tilt.
Away.
He doesn’t notice. Or he does. And he doubles down by gently bending in to kiss her cheek.
She receives it like a too-long hug from an acquaintance.
Her mouth flashes a smile and I’m far away but close enough to see it’s a grimace.
She stands, he stands, and they walk away.
She walks briskly.
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