i called what we had puppy love
unwavering adoration, unadulterated innocence
pure and simple and unconditional in its essence
with heart eyes, blushes, smiles so wide
butterflies in my stomach i took for a tail that wagged
and endless “i love you”s like proud barks
i did not realize that love was only on my side

Unconditional, loyal, like a dog at your feet
i would never bite the hand that fed me rich pedigree
but you weren’t even feeding me the real thing
in its place scraps of treats left behind by the last breed

with no love to spare and bones bare
I’ve grown too old  now for your fleeting care
not fun to play with anymore, not your shiniest toy,
too much work with no reward, I sparked no joy
so you kicked me out and drive to the store
to adopt a new pet as I sit at the back door
you lock me outside with no guide or reason why,
left me with false hope as my only light

so i wait again for you to open your home to me as i grow bored
wait to be fed even just the trash from your floors
pawing and barking, pleading to stay
promising I’d change if you’d look my way
to love you better this time around
to bite less no matter the hits you use to put me down

leaves fall as i sit by the door to no avail,
spring calls as I see another puppy gather your mail
the months go by as im forced to watch
before I decide I’ve had enough

so I pull myself away determined to walk out of your back lawn
only to find a fence keeping me stuck until the end of dawn
i think of digging under or jumping over, plot a way to escape and find new love
but you told the world I was rabid, wild,
A beast with danger in its eyes, untamed and reviled
described me with sharp canines and a killer instinct, when we both knew i couldn’t hurt an insect
You painted me with your cruel disdain
ensuring no one else would ease my pain should i ever get away

you told me once I was bright
insisted on it as I tried to tell you I wasn't, tried to show you
You said you'd hear none of it
I mistook your wish to not listen as a promise you saw, saw me
I know now, you never did
you were holding a candle, mistaking its glow for my own as its heat warped my reflection
the orange haze altered the way my skin looked, made the shadows retreat out of sight

I had to think back hard
trying to remember when you began to alter reality’s way for your comfort
I think it was from the start
You brought the candle with you from day one
I see you carry it everywhere, erasing your own darkness with it even now
It makes sense, I saw the glow on your skin
i believed your praise so wholeheartedly
i assumed it was my own shine bouncing onto you
just as you said, insisted
with time of course, your eyes adjusted to the light so much so you could see me
the shadows zoning back in, everything too clear for your liking

and so naturally you moved the candle closer and closer and closer
Hoping its heat would keep changing and morphing that which you hate
would soften me, melt away the harsh edges I had spent years sharpening,
strip me down into something smooth, something pliable, someone you could claim to love
and each time it had less and less effect

It didn't hurt for a while if i’m honest,
sure, sometimes the heat made me sweat,
but I just assumed it was that warmth people talk about when they talk about love
there was not one butterfly in my stomach, just smoke in my lungs from where you were burning me,
lit me on fire in hopes whatever charred remains fit your fantasy
You expected me to be a Phoenix, raising pure from the ashes for your entertainment
as if that didn't mean I had to die first

And you know, it all makes it so much more hurtful to remember
when you walked away from the fire you started
sunglasses on claiming it was too bright for you
you took your stupid candle with you
always wanting to search for what you’re missing in someone else's flames

Here's what you don't know
In trying to light me up, you only managed to cast an even darker and bigger shadow,
behind my back where nobody sees, but I feel it's cold constantly
It almost makes me wish for the burn of the candle
tell me, is that not the cruelest part?

you grew up with stories
wine that tasted like iron
and bread from the bone
your romanization of cannibalism should be no shock
you could not only excuse it but worship it

love and hurt are both four letters
and they taught you to count not read
holy and pain look close enough blurred
so punch me with your lips
and hold me with your fists
blood pumps through the heart but pools warm in bruises
you hurt me because that’s how they said He loves

it confused me, the faith, the hymns, the god
all i believed in as a kid was the pain, the pop, the no power above
but i think i get it now
i am no believer, never been, but i kneel when you ask me to
not even god gets that kind of loyalty anymore
i let you hurt me because that’s how sheep love

i mistake resurrection for staying dead a little longer
sacrifice and slaughter feel just as ******
trust and surrender have the same control
devotion and worship bruise your knees the same way
obsession and hunger look the same in the dark
need and want feel like desire, if you look past the lack of spark
god and the men pretending to be him are violent

and maybe I understand communion now
forgiveness tastes sweeter coming from your lips
I’d risk everything just to bask longer in it
sin has never been so tempting
purity is just a concept, opiates dissolve in your holy water
and baby I’m willingly drowning in it
let it baptize me clean
so make me feel unworthy, make me think you cruel
make me test my faith it’s okay
I’ll i bite the apple, say the words, ask to be crucified
watch you lick the blood from my palms and call it divine retribution
take the punishment as proof you’re real, take the pardon as proof you’re kind

i became religious you became a god
a pedestal and an altar aren’t too far beyond
we became that which we couldn’t understand before,
we were not meant to be this