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Dzdturtle May 13
Pungent gas—
burns the nostrils,
like the smell of your father after an oil change.
Mint floats in a natural spring,
spinning,
spinning—
then crash.
You’re on the ground,
breathing in the old brown rope rug.
It smells like forgotten sweat and basement dreams.
Memory, sensation, emotion—
Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
A trinity of triggers,
sacred and sour.
Dzdturtle May 11
Gets into the laundry,
the refrigerator,
the trash—
a search for what’s in every space.
Clings to objects
from the past and present,
filling her bed
with plushies, drawings, and trinkets.

Once, she bounced her head
on the pillow before bed.
As a baby,
she made soft, intermittent
throaty ahhh—
a sound that rocked her to sleep.

We shared fears of Dahl’s witches—
both of us anchored,
then and now.

In childhood, she slept like the dead:
arms crossed, perfectly straight,
never moving.
Holding grudges—
like who caused her dog bite.

Independent—
won’t ask, won’t wait.
Online mischief.
Leader of the pack.
Animated
and bright.
Opening up about her life
in late-night talks.

She saw me once—
cut too deep
when the darkness called.
Later,
she found her own blade.
Hiding the pain
behind a cruel mask,
sharp with thorns.
“I hate you,”
“You’re bullying me”—
but inside,
her heart knows.

She calls me cruel—
but still,
she is my anchor.
Dzdturtle May 11
You grabbed my arm gently
No flirting
No smile
Just stern entitlement
I complied giddy from attention
But now I see
After years of feeling like I owed
Words are now present
Coercive
I asked you years ago
“There must be at least one girl that felt violated by you”
Your ego slashed and your rage began
Saying that I ***** myself
I stand here now with my hand ✋ Raised .
Dzdturtle May 11
At my lowest point,
you shined a light—
gave me a companion,
sweet hiccups, again and again.

You got furious,
sick of the camera
in your face again.
I was too focused
on catching every
memory
for Dad.

I broke your heart
giving you a friend.
You stood with a frown,
head down,
now playing brother
with sarcastic seriousness.

You used to share your interests—
now it’s only phone and games.
I know it feels
like all we care about is school,
but whatever you will be,
I am open
to see.
Dzdturtle May 11
Dad
Bald on top,
flipping a ‘50s
Duck’s *** in the back.
A T-shirt when you weren’t wearing one,
and that short, see-through house coat.
Old Gold on your breath,
those disgusting kisses
I wanted but feared.

You didn’t get upset when I accidentally hit your things.
You danced. You played euchre.
You’re my Victor.
You called me beautiful, no matter what.

Your happiest—
headphones on, making a mix tape,
gardening in the Fords at dusk,
Pabst Blue Ribbon with the boys,
figuring out why the birds
didn’t use your feeder.

You also said,
“If you’re in a guy’s room with your shirt off,
it’s too late to say no.”
Taking my consent
when I needed trust from you.
I still do.

Blue gas stovetop.
Camping.
A yellow “Turn Ahead” sign.
Teasel burrs clung to your leg
Life. Heck of a party
Written on your tombstone

You were fun.
You were broken.
You were both my protector
and the first one
who confused
love with fear.

As I trip on the floor,
watching you come
down the hall,
with your hand out.
Dzdturtle May 11
Their weeping
***** the air from the room,
extinguishing my fire,
demanding my silence.

Their weeping
drowns me in doubt.
Am I good?
Am I cruel?
Am I wrong?

Before I can even name my pain,
I’m already
reassuring them,
soothing them,
carrying them—
while I smolder quietly beneath.
Dzdturtle May 11
Just because you secured me
a great retirement
doesn’t mean
it wasn’t manipulation.
Comfort doesn’t erase control.

Just because you have
tears in your eyes
doesn’t mean it wasn’t coercion.
Tears don’t erase the truth.

Just because I asked you
to be a man
doesn’t mean your rage
wasn’t dominance.
Anger doesn’t erase accountability.

Just because you ask
if I want to go
to the mental hospital
doesn’t mean
it wasn’t gaslighting.
Silence doesn’t erase the suggestion.

Just because you say
that person is dead
doesn’t mean
there wasn’t damage.
Words don’t erase my pain.
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