Oh dear Lord, what have I done?
How will I ever return to me?
No time to think about that—
There is no turning back now.

I longed to meet you. So curious I was.
Is this real?
What color will your hair be? Your eyes?
Will you look like me?
What outfit should I bring?

The months of carrying you felt like eternity.
With each contraction,
I realized what a gift it was
to be passive.

How will I handle this?
Will I survive? Will you?
Wait—I didn’t think this through.

Push. Push. And again.
Good—deep breath.
With each contraction, push again.
Exhaustion sets in.
Back to eternity I go.

Finally, you’re here.
“Congratulations, momma,” they say.
Hurray?
My breath paused,
and time froze—
until I heard you cry.

Then I felt a heaviness hit my chest.
There you lay,
and instantly I knew what love was.

I suddenly longed for an eternity with you
and mourned at the same time.
Stop it. Just be happy. This is magical.
But I couldn’t.

I didn’t care about the color of your hair or eyes.
I just couldn’t imagine a world without you.
As your weight pressed into me,
so did the weight of worry and sadness,
as intrusive thoughts flooded my mind.

How could you be this heavy?
I thought as I saw my heart outside of my body.
The thought of me became absent,
as the thought of us became profoundly loud.
You became my lifeline—
for without you,
I am nothing.

How beautifully overwhelming.
Oh, dear Lord, look what we have done.

Have you ever had your heart fall?

One phone call early in the morning
that altered life forever.
I dreaded the thought of rising.
Maybe it was just the trance of sleep
still submerging over,
or maybe my intuition guarding me—

For that fall was sudden,
painful,
breathtaking—
and I was not ready.

“Where is he?” I asked…
“I’m sorry, he is dead.”

My heart then fell
beyond my grasp.
I could not fix myself
in time
to catch it.

I could only scream,
for my heart was torn from me.

Please, just PAUSE.
I CAN’T BREATHE.

Let this in
with an ease…
but the world kept going,
unaware of my agony.

And I stumbled,
falling to my knees,
unaware of time,
still in shock,
wishing it was just a dream.

But when I grasped your cold hand,
I had no choice
but to let this in.

With acceptance came
a flood of memories.
I drifted to sleep,
embracing the absence of thought,
allowing the pain to flee.

Maybe it was just the trance
submerging over once again…
or maybe
it was God saving me.

But I saw your sweet face,
illuminating tranquility—
and when I rose,
the burden of no goodbye
was lifted from me.

Here once again, like the trash man that never skips a beat.
God forbid I don’t show my face for this meet.
My happiest may be hiding here—
So hurry, keep going through the motions, never speaking the unspoken.

Don’t forget to smile, be normal, show the right emotion.
Keep the rubbage by the road; they’re only here for their token.
“Wake up, get excited,” they say.
Sorry—forgot to check out of my brain.

Let me refrain from reality… wait, I mean my mentality?
I am confused—forgot where I was.
I let the static silence me.

Though I feel stuck, let me not stand still.
I don’t want them to know that I am ill…
Hi, lovely to meet you.