Sometimes i feel that jaw numbing pain
The one I used to feel when everything between us was
Well
What it is now
Sometimes I feel it
I feel it when you look at me and that spark is gone from your eyes
I feel it when I say hello and you do too but it's almost as if you're saying goodbye
But Sometimes I feel it
When the birds chirp the way they used to
The way they chirped when i was with you

I wonder if I  write the first of your name my keyboard (my heart) will always assume the rest

If my family must tell my story they will say I was a monster

They will tell tall tales of white white anger

Of how I never listened and pretended I was the master

They will say she was extravagant but hell if you could get her to say so

She lies through her teeth and pretended she was a Saint you know ?

If my family must tell my story they will proclaim what they say is the truth

They'll try their hardest to stain my already ruined reputation and say we're just looking out for you

If I was humble I would never have known for their tales of pride have convinced me

If I was sweet I would never know because they claim if I am it's an anomaly

All this I tell you
Making me look like a desperado
But your family are the ones who know you best too
I really don't have a defense
For if I were here to tell you the lies

I would have said

I am a Saint and my family thinks so too

I am a Saint
I am happy
And my family
My family

If my family were to tell my story they would tell my friends first
The friends I lied to the ones who said how could you be the worst
You're an angel and I'd say Hush
You're making me blush

I wasn't even flattered
I am a monster and my family knows it too

If my family were to tell my story
Listen
They are the ones who know what's true.

Sometimes, I wonder
Am I those pretty girls who you want to smack cos you’re  so **** hot? Like bro Why can’t you see it
Or am I pretty bcos of my personality
Or am I just personality
Or maybe not even that
Self depreciation, love
It’s called self deprecation,genius

I planned this speech for a book in the bathroom

I like it

I think best in the bathroom

Tmi, I know

You’re worried about your pyjamas
I’m worried that when you stab my heart
You’ll see only you are in it
Or when you slit my throat
You’ll see praises in your name waiting in it
I’m worried that even though you are ripping my soul from me
I will still look in your eyes and say :
“Take what is urs”
I’m worried that I’ll hand over my mutilated heart and still trust you to protect it even as your teeth clamp over my jugular
I’m worried you’ll feel the thrumming of my heart the trembling of my bones because you chose to lay your hands on me
Your worry is for yourself
My worry is for yourself
But my biggest worry is that my love, when handed to you, will be a burden that you’ll have to live with
Knowing instead of my voice telling you I love you
You’ll have my blood telling you
That even in death, I will never stop
I sometimes think of it
U standing In ur pyjamas blood all over you,
I think of it and know without a doubt,
My love cost you my death
My pain has ended
But yours has just begun
Starting from the bouquet of roses you never gave me
The amount of times you never defended me
My revenge is my love
I die and leave this pain
And you
You will spend ur days in its cage

I am a creature strange
I seek help but get confused when they help me
I seek approval but get confused when they approve me
These eyes
They see, but they are dry
This heart
It beats, but silence echoes in its chambers
I pity the one who tries
Have I seduced you with my false pleas?
Shame has sworn himself to me
It begs to show itself one last time
All the time

Don't bet your money on me
I show promise sure
But all the world's a stage
And I am it's greatest actor

If I had to show you what you did to me , I’d have to open my chest and dip my hands inside
They’d come out stained with the purples and blues of my emotions
Like paint it colours everything inside me
And it layers itself over my rationality, steaming up my ability to think

My heart is like a pomegranate tree, and you just plucked all the fruits
The tree is bare, and all fruits lay scattered around me
They are many to count, so I look at them from the corner of my eye
What do I do with all of them
Do I taste them and let them besmirch my lips
Do I leave them and let them rot

Either way the fruit is bitter
Whether I leave it or taste it the result is the same

It doesn’t hurt when others do it because they’re not as close as u r to my heart
When you move I feel it
And when you leave I feel that too like red string it tugs my heart
And there only so many tugs I can take before I cut the strings myself even though they are veins
I'd rather bleed than let my heart be torn apart

I love like I’m in love
I fall like how I  trip
Small details are what capture me
The things you don’t say the things you try to hide
Love is sometimes too soft of a word for the feelings I feel
It’s exactly like حب
Love a seed
And I feel it’s roots
Is that what makes it hurt?

This all that I said is to say I love dramatically, but dw it’s extremely platonic. If I had a husband, I think my love would be borderline obsession, which is why I’d rather die an old maid