i slide the blade
s l o w l y
across my pale, soft skin.
it burns,
i don’t smile.
but it’s satisfying to watch
the blood pool in beads.
it hurts.
but it doesn’t hurt as much
as the pain i caused you today.
so i do it again.

looking out my window at night
watching the snowflakes fall like frozen tears
wiped away from a crying face

i walked outside to catch snowflakes in my mouth
happy for the first time in while
smiling- a real one this time
not just a fake upturned mouth

rushing inside to tell my sister
seeing my mom smiling
seeing my dad sleeping
i love being happy
i wish
i was happy every day