Third time’s the charm
but it’s been five..
seven..
fifteen..
I’ve lost count.
I think this one’s deep enough
I think this one comes close
to rivaling every wretched thing
I did today.
For all the discourse about it,
they always neglect
to mention the raw
beauty of it.

The scarlet beads and
uneven armlets
curling around edges
of untamed flesh
grotesque on the outside,
uglier on the inside,
𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐚𝐲
it’ll be deep enough.

At the edges of horizon
where sky meets sea-
they lift their golden faces
to the waiting wind
they spin, laugh
and wish upon stars
overcome with longing to 𝒃𝒆.

Lost stars in twilight air
weightless prayers
with nowhere to rest,
sweeping into currents
unseen, unknown,
and settling into worlds
far from here.

5:00 am;
the sun has yet to rise.
the candlelight stands sentinel on the table,
pooling over
words, pages, lifelines,
pressing on them, drowning them
beyond the reach of understanding.

My shadow stretches long against the wall
desperate to flee yet soldered in place.
I choke on air thickened by rancid breath
and on words that hang like hollow husks.

Somewhere, a nightjar stirs too early,
hoodwinked by this false sun
I sit idly
writing to no one,
writing to everything.

i know she told you she loves you
i see it in the shimmer of your eyes.
you think of
running your hands through her hair
and galaxies start expanding
in your pupils
i know this because
i wore that same look
when i thought of you,
when i traded my mind for a brothel,
bartered pieces of my soul
to fit inside your mold

you come to me,
your voice laced with reverence,
and recount to me how beautiful she is
while I'm still intoxicated by that
fleeting summer day
you called me by the same

see, i could fracture myself and
reshape my whole body,
rewire the circuits in my brain and
become a composite
of everyone you’ve ever loved
but i could never
be new to you again.
i know you crave what’s untouched,
and I'm starting to decay.

if i could just twist back time
i wouldn’t taste your love again,
but stand outside this brothel,
neon lights flickering like dying stars,
and drag myself away

I've always known-
if it had been different,
if you ever had been capable
of loving me the way
i broke myself to deserve
i wouldn’t have reduced myself to dust
for a molecule of your affection

i was just a number.
i think she is too.
but if she’s the one who remakes you,
while I’m left here
alone in this labyrinthine hell-house,
I’ll sink into
the darkest caverns of myself.

At the age of twelve, I first stumbled upon
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘈𝘯𝘯𝘦 𝘍𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘬.
Within the pages of her sanctum, she confessed
an innocent curiosity that defied
society’s paradigms of sexuality.
It was quite subtle,
yet it indelibly etched itself into my mind.

It was my first glimpse into queerness,
and a catalyst for my journey
of learning how to conceal it.

I swallowed the reveries that followed,
tucking them away within the alcoves of my mind.

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘯𝘰𝘵, 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯.
Taught to
sew my mouth shut
and call it discipline,
not to get angry
for rage is unflattering on a
𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 like me.

This mouth is wallpaper.
𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗽𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸𝘀?

𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭,

          𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵.  

𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘫𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥

              𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘺

                        𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘯𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘺

                                𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘳𝘵.

There's still an imprint of
your hand on my face,
from the day you first struck me-
a love story between
paper skin and
iron fists.
It's been long since the redness faded
(long, not gone)
a bruise visible to not another soul
but mine.
𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘋𝘐𝘋 𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘚.

It smiles back in pictures
mocks me in mirrors
follows me on the street.
You created the mark
but I gave it a life,
a name- a structure
and decorated it with my self worth.

Bruised knuckles smeared in betrayal
𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘶𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸
Snake infested waters
𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘦𝘥.

The scariest nightmares-
The ones that sink their teeth deepest
Are the ones rooted 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 in reality;
I dreamt last night.
Of my mother.
Of the crack in her voice.
Of her trying
𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨-
to wake up her father.