It started as nothing, just whispers in the corners of my mind, faint echoes of something I couldn’t name. A flicker in a dream, a scene I didn’t remember living but somehow I knew it was mine.

Childhood, they say, is a blur, a soft fog we pass through before it clears into the sharpness of adult memory. But what if that fog is hiding more than innocence? What if it swallows the shadows so deep, you forget they were there until they claw their way back?

I was fine, I think. Until I wasn’t.

It’s funny, isn’t it, how the mind protects you, wrapping your worst moments in a layer so thick you almost forget to question why you are the way you are— until the questions can no longer be ignored.

They return, like shards of glass in the most unsuspecting moments: The smell of rain on pavement, a song half-heard on the radio, the light filtering through a window just so. And suddenly, it’s there. Not a memory, but the ghost of one, haunting me, begging for attention.

I don’t know if it’s true— if I’m making this up, or if my brain is trying to tell me what I’ve been too scared to admit.

Isn’t it strange? How you can live years of your life, convincing yourself that nothing was wrong, until one day you’re faced with fragments, puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit but you can’t stop trying to assemble them, wondering what picture they will reveal when it’s too late to look away.

I’ve started questioning everything. Every thought, every memory, every feeling— was it real? Was it something I dreamed, or worse, something I buried so deep even I didn’t know it was there?

It clouds my judgment, like a fog rolling in, thick and heavy. I want to run, but I’m stuck, paralyzed by the weight of what I’m starting to understand.

It wasn’t nothing.

It was everything.

A nightmare that I didn’t want to be true, but here it is, staring me in the face like an old friend I’ve tried too hard to forget.

The reality is cold, colder than I imagined. It hits like a tsunami, unleashing emotions I’ve spent years running from. They come in waves, and I am drowning in them, struggling to keep my head above water as the memories I didn’t want to believe crash over me.

I am broken.

Wrecked by feelings I never asked for, by the truth I never wanted to face. But here it is, and I can’t escape. Not anymore.

There are ways to numb it, I know— the bottle, the pills, the violence. I’ve seen others drown it that way, seen them swim deeper into the darkness hoping it’ll finally swallow them whole.

But that’s not me, is it?

I don’t want to run anymore, even if facing it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Because this is my mind, my life, and I’m tired of hiding from what’s inside of me.

Isn’t it ironic?

The same mind that protected me is now forcing me to relive it all. Bittersweet, they call it— this double-edged sword of memory, cutting and sheltering in equal measure.

But isn’t that just how life is? Twisted in its kindness, brutal in its mercy?

For years, I thought I could run, hide from the ghosts that haunted the edges of my mind, pretending that nothing was wrong as long as I kept moving.

But now, as I stand here, with the waves crashing and the fog lifting, I wonder if I’ll survive the storm I’ve been running from.

I wonder if I have the strength to face what I’ve buried so deep.

Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t.

Only time will tell.

But for now, I stand in the wreckage of what was, and what is, knowing that no matter how far I run, the echoes of the past will always find me.

And maybe that’s the only truth I need to face.

For years,
I’ve stared into myself, tried to name the shadows that linger there.
Each flaw, each crack in my surface,
the places where I come undone, unravel quietly
like threads pulled from a fragile seam.
I know I am kind—
to others.
I know I am compassionate—
when they need it most.
But to myself?
I’m unsure, disconnected, unable to reach the core of who I am
or maybe who I once was.

I’ve searched for answers in the endless mirrors of introspection,
taken tests, quizzes, anything that might help me
hold a fragment of truth,
to say:
“This is me, all of me.”
But every answer slips away before I can grasp it,
just out of reach,
like trying to catch mist in my hands.

There are parts of me I’ve always kept locked away,
unspoken, unseen.
I’ve tried to name them,
but the words stick in my throat,
cowardly whispers that never see the light of day.
And still, they linger,
those pieces of myself I refuse to admit.
The good and the bad,
all tangled together in a knot I cannot untie.

For years, I’ve felt hollow.
That ache, it’s always been there,
but I kept it hidden, tucked away in the quiet corners of my heart.
I told myself I could manage it,
that it wasn’t real,
that I was strong enough to keep it at bay.
But it’s grown, festering,
deeper and more painful as the days passed.
And now,
it’s something I can no longer ignore.

I tried to fight it, I did.
I wrote poems, let my words bleed onto the page,
hoping they’d carry the weight of it away.
But they never did.
The ache lingered,
etched into every line, every verse,
seen by those who could truly see,
those who chose to ignore,
and even those who pretended not to notice.
It’s become part of me, woven into my thoughts,
my touch, my very being.
Now it’s everywhere,
crawling into the spaces between me and the world,
and I know—
they see it too.

What I thought I could hide,
what I thought no one would ever see,
is now clear as day,
glaring like an open wound.
This hollow ache,
the thing that gnaws at me,
it’s no longer just mine.
It has spilled into my reality,
into the lives of everyone around me.
They feel it, even if they don’t know what it is.
Or maybe they do.
Maybe they’ve always known.

I’ve tried to name it,
tried to resist it,
but now I finally see it for what it is.
This emptiness, this ache that has followed me for years,
it’s a plague.
A plague that’s swallowed my generation whole,
that’s consumed my friends, my family,
left them hollow, just like me.
I never thought I’d be one of them.
I never thought it would take me too.
But here I am,
succumbing to it,
unwillingly so,
yet powerless to stop it.

And it hurts.
It hurts more than I can put into words,
more than anyone could ever understand.
I cry for what I’ve lost,
for what I can never seem to find—
that sense of wholeness, of being alive.
I ache for it,
but it slips further away with each passing day.

Still,
I can’t give in,
not completely.
As much as I want to rest,
as much as I want to close my eyes and let the ache consume me,
I can’t.
There’s too much left to do,
too many people I love,
too much life left to live.
And I know, somewhere deep down,
there has to be hope.
There has to be.
Even if it feels like a lie,
even if it feels like I’ll never feel whole again,
I have to believe—
maybe one day, I’ll feel alive.

But even as I say it,
I wonder if I’m lying to myself,
to everyone around me.
Because the truth is,
I’ve already succumbed.
I succumbed a long time ago.
I’ve just been biding my time,
waiting for it to take everything.
And now,
it’s almost done.

I carried shadows, dense as night,
through hollow streets of quiet pain.
No light, no shape, no depth or day,
just a blank and endless ache.
I drifted—lost in the gray,
tired of hope, sick of longing,
too weary to wish for another way.

In my hands, the weight of years—
every fault, every tear—
held tight, till it became a part of me,
a second skin, a burdened heart.
I thought this was life:
a slow fade,
an unmarked grave.

But today, something called,
soft as dawn, sharp as truth.
A small voice—maybe my own—
whispered of more, dared to say:
You don’t have to stay here.
And for once, I listened,
leaned in close.

With trembling hands, I reached for light,
not knowing if I’d deserve its warmth.
The step was heavy, a mountain move,
but still I took it,
trusting in things unseen,
in a love I hadn’t earned,
a grace I’d long denied.

It feels like a freefall, yet grounded,
like stepping into air but finding earth,
and I wonder:
can I be loved like this,
found whole from broken parts?
Can I let go, hands wide open,
of the burdens I made my own?

I’m afraid, but somehow, that’s fine—
I am carried, lifted high,
by a strength not mine.
And it terrifies me, this boundless peace,
the way my soul begins to breathe,
feeling lighter, every layer shed,
every shadow given up and left behind.

So I walk on, step by step,
into this unknown brightness.
It’s hard—yes, harder than I’d dreamed,
and I stumble, thinking of turning back.
But even as the doubts rise,
I know this is my path,
a promise kept, a fire fed.

Here, in the light, I’ll stand—
fragile, unsure, but free.
And maybe I’ll waver, lose my way,
but I’ll remember the warmth,
the voice that called, the step I took,
and I’ll find my way back.
No burden, no shame, only grace.

I walk to be held, to be known,
to a love that claims me whole,
and though I once felt undeserving,
I know now—
I am wanted, seen, saved.
Today, I chose to live.