Because I might die if I stay
Another day
In this body; where do
You think the mirror monsters came from?
The voice in my head holds strong;
Every time I
Look at myself my
Eyes are drawn towards every
Direction but straight to see
Their own reflection. Disgusting.
There isn't a single
Comfortable
Place to rest them on.
And so upon
Having to go out, I spent an eternity
Trying to see
If there's any way to make my
Waist smaller,
Trying to figure out if I'd get by
With saying I'm an inch taller
Than I actually am. The while
More I'll
Have promised turns into all
Of time, but still I fall
Apart every time I see
What's supposed to be me.
It can't be, really,
I know,
So
I'll close my eyes and pray
That this was just a dream all along
But I open them to stare
At that image, bright as day;
Every skin cell, every hair
Just seared into my mind
Where you won't be
Able to find
A shred of what they call
Positivity.

I didn't realise I'd
Ever have to actively decide
On which person to
Bother once I opened WhatsApp;
Can I even consider telling you
About everything
That's happened when we
Have nothing
In common anymore?
Nothing for
Us to freak out over at the same
Time? You know I
Wonder if you changed my
Contact name.
I miss when
You'd actually
Send
Me
Heart stickers. But
Now I have to scroll
All the way up.

Don't pretend it isn't still stuck
At the back of your mind
Don't blame it on bad luck
You know you're the reason you're
Falling behind
Couldn't you have done more
Held on for a bit longer
Been a little bit stronger
Well now look at who the crowd’s
Laughing at; you screamed a bit too loud
For the pain you've gone through
Why’re you
So weak? Answer me
Seriously
Look me in the eye and tell me
You aren't just a mess sitting in
The corner. They told you you'd win
In life; the only thing you can do
Now is prove them right, you
Know what I mean?
Stop lying to yourself. You haven't seen
Worse. You know
You're fine. So go.
All it takes
Is one step off the edge to make
History. One last breath.
[The admin has kicked ‘Natural Death'.]

Because you're not even good at what you do
Staring at the words from so long ago
You thought it was good? *****
That because now you know
Better, now you know
That the only thing that you excel
At is thinking too much of yourself
You think you know yourself well
Till you take a good long look in the mirror
You used to look to for inspiration. You thought it would
Help, you thought it could
Bring you that same flame you used to find
But put it all behind
You because you're a changed person now
(For the worse). Tell me how
You got here? Not even the higher-ups have an idea
When you first walked in, they thought you were smart
But that's a part
Of you that no longer exists; the only
Thing that never changes is change. Obviously
You aren't the same person from one day,
Two weeks, four months ago but occa
sionally you wish you were three again.
Three, when perhaps you made your first (imaginary) friend
Someone that could never leave your side
But now there's no one to say
"We're in this ride
Together" to because some way
Or another life lost its sparkle. You
Lost your sparkle too.

Sometimes I feel like dying
There isn't any point in trying
To be the person I used to be
The me
That people actually
Love. Barely
Any
Energy
Left for the simplest of punctuation.
My notebook hasn't been touched in days
(Like I said, there's no point anyway)
It burns to even glance at it
Glance at the me that's supposed to be
Alive and thriving
But is simply
Rotting away
Doing what I can't say
But it's all fine
It's better to leave nothing behind
Than to have set fires for
Others to put out
When I'm not here anymore.

You can't pour wine from an empty
Bottle, the pop-up ad tells me.
I laugh. I laugh as the cracks
At its bottom cut into
My palm; I pour you
Another glass. It's all red anyway.
Who cares what that AI has to say.

Lately things are starting to slip my mind.
I'll go home and open my bag to find
Air in place of the file
I needed, while
It
Sits
Comfortably under my desk.
And maybe I'll rest
For a minute or two
Then forget what I was supposed to do.
It scares me.
Because surely my memory
Can't be going this early.
Soon I'll be
Forgetting names; faces;
How and why I got to places;
Who you are to me;
Who I'm supposed to be.
Do I need sleep or saving?
None of it matters anyway...
What was it I wanted to say?