There must be strategy and tactics
If they are not the same thing
Spacing pacing
Distribution o sizes
What does it take
To win all the prizes?
Is it resist first or tug?
Or maybe give it a shove
Oh no that clearly won't work
Blitzkrieg or endurance test?
As you sweat there in yer vest
It may seem completely manual
But it helps if you have read the manual.

You've got to joyfully participate in the sorrows of the world
Not matter what the cause
There's no polishing a ****
beauty is in the eye o the beholder
Children should be seen and not heard
What does it profit a man who gains the whole world
And loses his soul?
The only way to stay moss free
Is to continually roll
Many a  slip twixst a cup and a lip
A single step the start o a thousand mile trip
What goes around comes around
Now that's deffo not true
Jimmy saville
Are the words
That I have for you.

All of a sudden
Is a phrase that
I keep thinking of
As if it
Could
Spark something
That would make
Me worthy of
The people who went
Before
Those that kept keeping on going
To give us this point
On which we keep failing.

Ozzy's not quite the prince o darkness anymore
No more coke no more ******
The road miles and habits
Have piled on the damage
Hardly surprising
The man was a savage
His lower colon
Is now like liquidised spam
Sharon has to deal with
The diarrhea of a madman.

The worlds roundest object
Made o silicone true
Is a wonder o the nature
O the way
That we do
****** forward
In search o unimpeachable truth
To replace solid things
With the digital new
Then unwavering
Unchanging
And for there
God to call
If he wants to trump it
It's the end o us all.

I've just been offered a job
General Director Of Business
I know not of the nature of
this queerness
In terms of the
The direction of
This business
Wether general
Or not
The new year wind
Brings a chance
To slough and shake off
Anything that you want.

It's the end o the year
We move like a roomba
Or Joe Biden
That's a line that belongs to a comic
Who do live among em in his life he do frolic

How we move forward
Is defined by the press
Which is constantly changing
At technological  behest
Is the road unavoidable?
More people?
More logic?
Devoid o time constrictions
The conversation
More phonic.

My ma would say
It's bin a funny old year
But I remember her saying that
Since I've bin able to hear
Or at least to remember
That I could do the same
Everyone does it
Everybody is to blame
We generally don't  demur
To the ones we deem smart
There is in em
The  truth
That we feel in our hearts
But do us a favour
And check the year's news
And see just how accurate
These ***** were with
Their  views.

Just been watching
The Ten Commandments
Talk about almost immediate abandon
Mosses just popped up mount Herob
For a chat with the lord
And as soon as he was gone
They got out all the gold
Smelted it down
Shaped it in to a calf
Removed all their clothes
Got in the sinful bath
Soaked and cavorted
A good long while
All manner o wickednesses
They indulged in
Irony
Foreshadowing
There was about ten of em
And then Mosses
Came back
Aghast and almost rabid
He'd only nipped out
For a couple of  tablets

There's no river so long
It doesn't contain a bend
Is a phrase
Both easy and hard to comprehend
It makes you at first dispute it
Then run the scenario
Up to the the point
You smile and say
Good lord
There you go.

The 25th o may 1977
About as close as it gets to a kid who is seven
It was the first
Not the last
Of the feeling
That you get to call glory
To the ones
Who feel proudly
Not to call them selves Tory
Miner's strike
Tebbits bike
And yet
Where are we now?
You get called what you not
Cos that's what these frauds will allow.

When you move between your family
And the things you still want
Do you yearn
Or are you
Reconciled with
That was the things
That don't count
Is it fresh in your memory
Or do you smile at its
Going
Content with the fact
You kept the human race growing
This is life
This family
This is the way that we are
Dreams o specialness
Get devoured by truth
In the needs o the hours.

Don't give yourself
Credit for yourself
It's everyone else.
Don't go to near to the edge
You'll fall off the shelf.

They demolished the place in 1909
Once they'd extracted
That what could not be left behind
14  works got transferred
Pulled off plaster
And put in a new position
To avoid the disaster
Put on canvas in the most
Painstaking way
And then cast To the Prado
So they were displayed
In a way that would seem
Funny and *****
To a deaf old lunatic
Who worked alone
By candlelight.

You can't have any pudding
If you don't eat your meat!
HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING
IF YOU DONT EAT YOUR MEAT?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

It's about an hour and ten in
Depending on the ads
When he's in the map room
Calculating where to dig
If you blink you will miss it
But it's deffo there
A classic ****
Defined and then
Rubbed right out o there.

Let us walk upon the earth
Feel the sod twixst the toes girth
The universe shrunk to human level
That kind  o thing
Can make you feel terrible
But that's the exercise
From max to mini
What it is huge
Without me
Is scant
Withinme.

In the immortal words o  the late great Jonny Mathias
Oh ** oh oh oh ** oh ** oh **
Oh ** ** oh ** oh oh ** oh **
Oh ** ** ** **
Oh ** ** oh
Oh ** oh **
Oh oh ** oh **.

Christmas in prison
Christmas out at sea
Christmas round the in laws
Christmas alone with me

Christmas with the Manson's
Christmas in the I.C.U
Christmas in Carcosa
Just the Yellow King and you

He won't dress as father Chrimbo
In his tattered rags he'll stay
As he eats all time and space
No prezzies he'll display

He won't watch vintage Two Ronnies
As the black stars rise
And in terrible twin sunlight
Your soul will be his prize.

The things that come out o your head
Are just skin cells you're ready to shed
Write them down on a page
And then let all the days
Be the judges
Of what you relate.

I came here with my clay
Ready to throw down.

I think therefore I am
I'm pink therefore I'm spam
These are some one else's words
I'm just a piece o ham.

Scrooge would be just about clocking off now,the **** piece.
But at least he led by example.

The boy is ignorance
The girl is want
They pump from the wellspring
The human font
Beware of them both
If doom you'd destroy
But of the two
Keep a closer eye on the boy.

Why was Scrooge so god ****** special?
Where was Jacob's chance at heaven?

Like Bill Murray at the end of Scrooged
I'm overcome with emotion
And it's not just the *****
Unfettered sentimentality
Swiftly accrued
As I roll round in mawkishness
That I consume like food
Pining for that which I let die
And would again
To myself I just lie
I wouldn't know the truth
I'm an alien to it
Like some bastardised reverse ******* Jimmy Stewart.

In Hollywood
Gas masks work forever
And in the worst conditions imaginable
In reality I bet they're a bit ****
It just doesn't seem that tangible.

Steven Spielberg called
And offered me and my identical twin brother a job
It was on his hatchery
We'd be monitoring
The defacatory habits
Of the livestock
We were to be
Close Hen Counters Of the **** Kind.

Woke up still drunk
Saw the chaddies last night
Ain't seen them boys for awhile
But they was there
In the neon light
Of the bar sign
Of that new gaff
That is called the black cat
Christie had gone bald
I had gone fat
Their Spanish cousin Miguel
Looked disgusted that
Me and Milney
Had been out all day
The margheritas were on offer
What more can I say
He's an respected man
International architect
But we bullied and coerced him to get completely wrecked
And then it was over
Woke up fully clothed
Chugged down a black coffee
My brain felt exposed
Then perceived in the distance
A rumble I could not believe
Who'd be a bin man
On Christmas Eve?

Is that a **** or ***** stain on my carpet?
I really can not tell
I've got no idea how it got there
I'm not feeling very well.

Gunboat diplomacy
Dynamite archeology
Unnecessary surgery
The way we mince our words
Virtual friends and views
Terrible ends
We refuse
To see as nothing
That could happen to us
As conflagration moves like water
Over an acrylic floor
Which morphs into a globe form
To welcome in the war.

Just a sherry at Christmas
Or your liver in a sling
Maybe one o them
For whom
Abstinence is the thing
We spread across the boozey map
In all the directions there are
Negotiate the contours
As we head toward the bar
Some move to the desert
Where there barely falls a drop
Some might as well live in the ocean
The soak that never stops
Some imbibe for giggles
Others to ward off life
To many it's a form of marriage
The sauce she is my wife
Wether  slightly buzzed
And connected
Or too arseholed to think
We see the city on the hill
As where we go to drink.

When McCartney goes
The seas will boil
Everest will crumble
The crops will spoil
Immovable objects
Will get shunted aside
Unstoppable forces
Will have the brakes applied
When McCartney shuffles off
Every dog will cry
The tortoises
Will all pull in their heads/legs/tails and die
When McMartney joins the choir
The world will feel a chill
Sadness on Penny Lane
The fool has left the hill
When McCartney throws a six
There will be a global tremor
But take comfort in the fact
Ringo will live forever

With faith in our souls
We skip toward the light
Singing blithely together
Songs of truth
And joy
And *****

To the left stand
The illiberal
To the right
The funny men
Both will badger
And deride you
Herd you to their
Favoured pen

And them that have **** eyes
Will ask why you seem so shook
Then you will have to explain yourself
To a dog shown a card trick look

We wait for the dead at Christmas
When they bin waitin for us all year
Once only every twelve months
Comes this kind of cheer.

Christmas Eve probably 1978
The sweet smell o roasting turkey
From the back kitchen emenates
Albert Finney's Scrooge on the box
The grate hung with three socks
The tree smelling the way
The trees used to smell
Sugared glacier fruits
Banana toffee
Turkish delght
Tangerine
Apple
Pointless vitamins
In the torrent
O *****
Then Jimmy came home
Comedic drunk
Rolled round on the carpet
Spouted his usual  funk
Then crawled up the stairs
And collapsed on the bed
On Christmas morn he thought
That he'd already
Been here
Deja vu
The spirit o Chrimbo
Can make you feel queer.

I met a lady in a pub
And we got on well
The chat was easy
And flowed both ways
I could feel a connection
And I think she did too
The time ran quickly
The last bell rung
Our eyes met
And the lady said
I've enjoyed speaking
To you
I've haven't laughed
Like that in ages
I feel you felt it too
She said
I'd invite you home
But I'm on my menstral cycle
I'm replied smoothly
That's ok queen
I'll follow you home
On my Honda.

Norm McDonald's moth
Dave Allen's clock
There's some comedy bits
That are just off the hook
Mitch Hedberg's rice
Bill hick's wax dart
Norm again with
Janice in the woods
It's an art
To encapsulate
Pathos bathos
And litotes
Like that
with
Absurdism bubbling
It's an Hell o an act.

When the ***** is all gone
Is it worth sticking around?
No more liquid shield
Against the drone
Of the crowd
Sober
Joyful
Participation
Might be a stretch
As you sweat and you twitch and you puke and you retch
Like that night you collapsed into and slept in a hedge
Ah sweet memories.

When you move in together
You both bring all your ****
And nobody wants
To surrender not even
Just a bit
So you double up on lamps
And stereos and mugs
But the worst offender Is cutlery
Those stainless steel thugs
And the worst o the worst
Is of course the spoon
Cos there's Several sizes
Applications and soon
When combined together
Both hers and yours
They take up the full drawer
A redundancy of course
And  when youse part
As is written in the runes
She'll leave the ******* with you
Cos
Women
Have
No
Interest
In
Spoons.

Round where I live
On a road called Dovedale
There's a double run o trees
On both sides o the lane
Early nineties
The council
Aggressively pruned
Right back to the stubs
Which the branches preclude
They bulbous forms twist
But not very far
The beatle fans from Penny Lane
Drop many a jaw
But I'm used to their
Unsettling visage
They look science fiction
Ancient and yet
Not that diminished
Like they'd bin there
More than they
Eighty odd years
But no one saw em
Till the need  came near.

I feel like Goya's dog
Staring at nothing
But terrified all the same
Contemplating the void
Apportioning blame
Some think he's scoping out
Two little birds
And if they did land
He surely would lurch
Others think his target
Is an unfinished figure
That got lost in the transfer
Twixst plaster to paper
And that's the rub
With all the black paintings
You lose a bit o meaning
When technology is
Updating.

Nobody likes a ****,
They told me right out front.

Hello how you doin where you bin what you doin when was the last time I saw you how's it bin where you bin how'd it go when did we last talk about life what's over there do you care what's the point where you spending the Christmas can you believe the strabismus of this ***** version o where we should be she  ovs not happy on this side o the ***** but why can't she just leave us alone?

Why is there something
Rather than nothing?
Followed swiftly by
What is there
And what's it like?
The sound of one hand clapping
And does a fish really need a bike?
The silence of falling forest trees
Two sets o footprints become one
An old lady and a serpent
A prodigal has his fun
Cast thy bread upon the water
And then times that by ten
Don't be counting them
Precognitive chickens now
Like some optimistic hen.

When all is lost
Or just misplaced
It's time to panic
Your family disgraced
It's time to **** your pants and run
Edgey malaise  no longer fun
You thought it cool
Lurking near the edge
Strong winds wrapped  your trousers round your legs
Felt the tremor at the cliff's thin lip
Saw it might crack
Backed off right quick
Your tyres bald
Head getting there
There's little grip
Down there
Or up here
So when truth is hard
Become a liar
Let's roll round together
Like animals on fire.

Cos it lives in your veins
And it crawls on your skin
It aches in your bones
Like some fell vitamin
And it alters your thoughts
It empties your bank
It drags to the light
All the things that you lack
It scatters your friends
They got their own trouble
tryin to deal with their own Jones
Here it comes! On the double

So you ask the question now dawning
Is the high in the night
Worth the cough in the morning?

Around 70,000BC it is said
We were on the edge
Already depleted population
Was just about **** near spent
Talking here about modern humans
Not our antecedents and such
Who had tiptoed the edge o the abyss
Not once,not twice,but much

Toba supervolcano they say
Spread fire and ash and doom
And roofed over the world enough
To seal in choking gloom
Some say it killed all but ten thousand
Some say even less than that
Some say we were down
To forty breeding pairs!
Now what you think of that?

So near the void
So near destroyed
Before we learned to write
Almost no Sumerians
And those who lit the light
No pyramids
No moonlanding
No songs of love and hate
Imagine not being here
The
Earth
You
Did
Not
Create.

Chernobyl fall out!
Chernobyl fall out!
Russian ******
Are nowt to shout about!

If you live amongst the trees
It might stymie the disease
That could otherwise
Rot out
The thing
You can't talk about
Away from
Awkward truth
And
The ungodly overproof
You might think
You could get out
The things you want to talk
About.

Drukenactivity
There I just made up an new word
I know you don't agree with me
But that just makes you sound absurd
Cos the activity o the drunk
And the productivity
They sow
Makes you the biggest
***** that
I have ever known.