There’s a man in the field.
He’s digging a hole.
You look closer.
Looks about six feet deep.

As you approach,
You see a husk of a man.
His skin is peeling,
His eyes sunken in.
His still heart is duct-taped
To his sleeve.
He’s been dead for a long time.

He says he’s only 23,
But the little skin left
Looks like leather.
His voice is a
Hoarse whisper.

He tells you he made
Shame his best friend and
Never learned how to get
Rid of Him.

He used to go to
Church everyday
Until the stain glass
Windows shattered.
It took everything in him
Not to kiss the shards
Against his skin.

He believes in demons,
But not in angels.
He believes in lust,
But not in love.
He’s not sure if
He ever really believed in hope.

As you talk,
His lips start to
Peel off.
You see his
Rotting teeth.
It’s almost time.

He holds up a mirror
But you don’t need to look.
You already know what you’ll find.
The duct-tape on your own arm
Starts to sting.

There’s a man in the field
Laying in his grave.
Not even the crickets
Will sing for him.
You close your eyes
As the dirt and the silence
Swallow you whole.

Shame is a friend,
Just not a good one.

He’ll speak truth, like
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
“There will be consequences.”
But He’ll always take it too far.
“They’ll never forgive you.”
“You deserve to die.”
“Go get the razor.”

He’ll tell you to shave your head
Because you don’t deserve to have hair.
He’ll guide the razor blade
Along your skin.
Your hand in His,
It feels right, if even
For a moment.

As you’re cleaning the aftermath,
There’s still a stain.
A stain in your mind.
Like red wine on a white shirt.
His smile cracks wide open
As the walls close in.

“Feel better?”
You nod,
Your heartbeat in
Your ears.
Anything to make
Him go away.

But that’s the thing.
He looms larger now.
He’s not going anywhere.
You’ve made a blood pact.

How do you ****
A giant in your head?
You don’t.
You just ignore it.
You drown out
His voice with your
Favorite songs.
You tell yourself
The shadows are
Playing tricks on you.
You dye your hair.

Sometimes the shadows are just too big.
Sometimes you feel a cold
Hand on your shoulder.
Sometimes your (real) friends are having a
Bad day and you want to get the razor.
You hear a whisper.
“It’s all your fault.”
You put in your earbuds
And look at the sun.

You want a better ending.
Something hopeful.
Something whole.
But you won’t lie.
You open your notes app:

Shame is a friend
You’re better off without.

I've had two best friends by my side
Since the day I was born.
Though, I can't quite remember their names.
I've been gone from home for too long.

Born from the same place,
From the same love.
I watched you as you watched me
Grow in our backyard like a daisy.
But as the years got longer and
The winters got colder;
I started to feel more like a ****.
So, I cut myself off to
Blow away in the wind.
So long.

I'm sorry if I sound pitiful.
But you don't know what
I've been through.
What I put myself through.

While you were bettering yourselves,
I was praying for my own downfall.
While you were looking for love,
I was clinging to the cold arms of
A dead man.
You were becoming wives and
I was a vagrant, combing the
Dark city streets for any signs
Of temporary warmth.

When I finally returned home,
I was expecting nothing but
Anger for my selfishness.
For forgetting you.
For not dancing with you
At your wedding.

A year later and I'm still
Taken aback by your embrace.
But I won't fight it anymore,
I promise.

You've shown me that it's
Never too late to turn the page.
You've given me brothers,
Something I thought would
Never be in my cards.
And soon, there will be a baby
Who I'll protect like you protected me.
And I pray that he doesn't grow up
An only child.

The voices on the TV tell me
One day the sadness will end.
That spring will come again.
But this winter feels endless and
My cold heart cries the lyrics to a
Funeral song;
“Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time.”

Remember spring?
Do You remember how
I would’ve danced for You?
Your water gave me new life and
I’ll never forget the embrace of
My brothers, unafraid of the
Cold and wet.

But as the weather grew warmer,
The colder and heavier
My heart became.
I’d never been as scared as when
I could feel it turning to stone.

So I ran.
I ran away to feel something.
The deceptive sun shining through
My windshield made me feel
Warm again.

Then I met the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
But his garments were clawed through and
Sheep don’t wear ankle monitors.
And now I have to live with the fact that
I ran into the arms of a beast who
Ruined a twelve year old’s
Chance at a normal life.

The boy is grown now and
The same age as me.
I pray he doesn’t keep himself up at night
On the lookout for stalking creatures.
I pray he’s okay.

And now it’s back to me and You.
You let me run away.
But You brought me home.
You let me cut myself.
But You make the scars heal.
You let me doubt and swear and
Scream unanswered prayers.
But You saved my heart from stone.

As I write this,
I feel a little warmer.
I want to trust You.
I know I love You.
Please be patient with me.
After all, twenty two long years later and
I’m still new to this world.

God, I’m tired.
I’m tired of this
Never ending winter.
I don’t see spring around the corner.

I had my first kiss last night.
I had a lot of firsts last night.
I’ll spare You the gory details,
And trust me, it got gory.

The fawn meets the bear after
Years of only seeing one
Through a screen.
It’s one thing to feel your
Soul being ****** through your
School laptop, and it’s an
Entirely different thing to
Feel the teeth sink into you.
Though I have to be honest,
Sometimes the pain is heaven.

My friends don’t know me at all.
They don’t know how I give
Myself away and how
I can’t sleep until there’s nothing
Left of me but skin and bones.
They see the scars from watching
My life blood drain, but
They don’t say anything.

I try to be present,
Try to be thankful.
But the grace in my heart has faded and the
Flowers in my hair have died.
I don’t know what’s left.

I cry out but You’re never there.
You let me bleed,
You let me hang from the bear’s mouth.
How could You?

I don’t need You.
I don’t need you.
I just need to go to sleep and if
I never wake up,
That’d be okay too.