I turned my head to get a glimpse of the stars
but then came the rain
And something in me knew that it was already too late

these metal chains around my wrists
must make me seem insane
the things I let go of
have blood on them and scratches engraved

but I swear I am holy.
I pray night and day.
anchors hold me when I go feral again.

They gave me these feathers
told me to write something sweet.
my words are the only source of warmth
I‘ll ever feel.

But I miss being held tightly
although I can‘t recall I ever was.
still I mourn closeness so deeply
as if it was something I lost.

they preach that it‘s time
that allegedly heals you
but it just feels pretentious,
they don’t know what I‘ve been through.

letters, poems, novels and sonnets
a million pages in cursive
a million of them haunt me

why do you hold me so close in the night?

I feel like a phantom of what you desire.

I long for something softer than this-

please give love that won’t melt away once the sun hits

Ever since that spring,
I was afraid to tell you I‘m hurt.
Every time I tried to confess about my wounds,
you turned it around and twisted my words.

I went into this mad and out of it scared that you were.

And now that I think of it,
it was you
who made me believe that my happiness is cursed
It was you
who made me believe I wasn’t hurt

so for now it‘s only me
remembering sweet times
picturing you
and realizing slowly,
it was a long time ago
that I should have let go

you‘re still here in my arms
as I hold something dying
it must be the wind
but I think you were crying
we‘ll both make it out
they told us already
just know that I‘ll miss it
the life that we buried

no one outside of it could ever realize how damaging it can be to see yourself changing and morphing in the lights and reflections
looking for the key to finally see who you are
begging to be able to see yourself from someone else’s eyes just once
and then
then you would finally see the whole picture
then you would know
so you look for ways to create the key yourself
the lenses and angles
the profiles and sides
but none them ever really align
sometimes you‘re close
and you hope that it‘s true
but the next glimpse destroys it
the world crumbles
and so do you
but life isn‘t lived in pictures
reflections aren’t always true
it‘s more than the eyes can see
it‘s you

the quiet ones survive the chaos
the loudest become part of it
you’re the only thing I‘ve gotten right
you‘re right about a lot of things
I‘m stumbling through the forests loudly
but you can climb and run and make me
see myself so highly
but then you leave and then you let me
fall again, and time is slowing down
while you‘re still high above the ground
But you‘re too ashamed to take a look at me now

the wings that grew on my shoulders
were yours once.
and now that I’m older
I know pain returns in waves, not in tides,
you rarely expect it
but it consumes all your life

but your nerves and your bones
never forget their cries.
and your phantom pain calls you
to make me the one you despise.

but there are moments of glory
in both of our eyes
in those we are great
undefeated through times

they‘ll have to last longer
to still the hunger
long enough for both of us to fly
to the other side and to land

And for once I‘m seeing the signs
the light and the echos
that called me all along
just wait for me now
soon I‘ll be home

I‘ll take everyone with me
who‘s ever been kind
all the stolen feathers I hold
I‘ll blow into the wind
and know they‘ll arrive
back at their beginnings
back at the tides
that took the forgiveness
and swallowed the light

but new waters started running
and now it‘s alright

I think that I feel lost
although I don’t have the right.

dad, it’s scary how you think of me.
I might just be a monster for part time,
but I found that all the walls I built
would simply leave me trapped.

I never learned
how to make someone feel loved.
I stumble all over myself
and I still won’t talk.

I love you, but hate
how I can’t get it out.
you don’t know what it’s like
when your words seem to drown
in the waves I never survived,
and the splashes that woke me at night—
like a ship that sailed
but never arrived.

but I’d mean it,
if I could show you my mind.

it would break even anchors to watch it:
your eyes slowly turning to stone.

and I admit I could have delayed this—
but maybe I was simply too young.

now I’m so cold,
but the air is no different,
and somehow there’s so much that’s missing.

as a monster in part time
I hope that some things pass me by.
but look at me, I waited,
I stayed, but it didn’t make anything right.

I can’t run away from the water
But I‘m afraid that I will drown once I swim
Lately I just sit on the shore and I wonder
what more does it take to go in?

You know, I used to be floating
above all of the waves
and it really was simple
but I lost all my strength

It‘s not me who could do it
it was someone who faded through time
but where do I find her?
will she ever be mine?

I am nothing but a body still
I‘ve never been
and never will

yet, for once I thought
they might understand
but there I was
my head buried in my hands

and shivers went through the parts of my body they touched
wrinkles started to form on my face
the ones you only get from pain

so long I ran
and finally, no one came

she hid the purple light
that followed her down the hill
somewhere down the line
she forgot it could ****
if only be withdrawn
and a kingdom falls to grounds
now single threads of gold can turn the fates all around

my youth is still me
not just something to live through
and I‘m wasting it all
trynna go somewhere I can’t go
someplace that exists
solely in my head
but thank god I never left
I’d have never gone back

I‘m sorry my light painted you in colors you didn‘t know you had in yourself
I‘m sorry I opened you up for new scents you never knew you could smell
I‘m sorry life was easier before you held my hand
But why did you have to curse me?
it wasn’t me who sent you to hell

I don‘t know what to say
I‘ve already thanked you for loving me so much
Although I wished you‘d love me less
I never asked for all of your heart
I‘m very grateful that you worry about me
but I‘m afraid you‘re wasting all your time
I‘m tired and I‘m worn out
and it‘s scary because I used to be so bright
I can see that this is worsening
You tell me everyday
I‘m sorry that I‘m hurting you
But you‘re hurting anyway

you might go a few miles
but you won’t go far
it creeps up and haunts you
even though you came so far
when you‘re flying out of space
and overcome time
it will still come and find you
to destroy the light
you don’t know why it happens
so you just try to hide
but it will catch up
and **** you this time.

The goodbyes never came with big marching bands or fireworks
they were quiet and lonely
they felt permanent, endless
and the most painful thing about it was that no one around me felt it
the birds were still chirping, the cities as crowded as always
my apartment looked just the same
when after all, everything had changed

Jeder Blick in die Ferne gab mir ein Stück von dir zurück
die Luft so hoch oben fühlte sich anders an
und die Unendlichkeit im Horizont schien das Nächste zu sein, wie ich jeweils wieder zu dir sein könnte
doch ich konnte die Vögel nicht mehr ertragen,
den Wind in meinen Haaren und alles, was die Natur mir zur Schau stellte
nicht wenn sie mir das Einzige, was ich jemals mehr liebte als sie, nahm
nicht wenn sie mich dazu verdammte, jeden moment nach dem zu suchen, was nie wieder gefunden werden konnte
und trotzdem konnte ich nicht wegschauen
sie entriss mir jede Hoffnung wieder und wieder,
doch war sie auch die Einzige, die sie mir zurückgeben konnte,
wenn auch nur für einen Wimpernschlag
es war, als vergiftete ich mich selber Stück für Stück
aber es war wunderschön

„The moon keeps secrets the sun cannot bear.
Bad omens are bestowed upon me
they hold all their despair.
Deep into the night, the shadows arise,
where darkness and coldness
rule over the light.“
„But under your eyes I discovered new shades of blue,
you always look paler when the moon shines on you.
And somehow the cruelty finds an easy way in,
when the last golden glimpses fade from your skin.
Yet I know it‘s the curse that the wind always whispers,
when memories linger in forgotten corners.“
„But behind my closed eyes-
they are revived.
I tried to hide in the sunlight,
but it‘s too pure for my kind.
It‘s woven within me
with seams through my veins,
so that whenever I bleed, the lunar eclipse begins to reign.“

In the quiet spaces between breaths, I wonder if time remembers the things I’ve forgotten.
Maybe it can picture all the wildflowers I walked past
the sand castles I built at the beach
all the sunsets I begged to behold for forever
and then couldn’t envision a week later anymore
maybe it listens to the words of my mother,
humming her lullabies when I was too scared to sleep
maybe it knows that it holds something of mine
but keeps it from me
But it might dream of forgetting
cursed to hold all the memories, hopeless to break free