Fly high
I miss you everyday, wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare.
I replay memories in my head of us together.
The walks that made me smile,
Make me cry instead.
I try to think of the good times but the saddens takes over.
My heart is broken but healing slowly.
I know you are watching me from above.
I know when it snows it’s you saying hi

I missed you.
Then all the memories came rushing through my head.
I realized I only missed the thought of you.
When you came back all the hate I forgot about was there again.
I missed you.
Then I remember how much pain you leave behind.
I realized I only wanted what I didn't have.

The boy who is closed off,
But comes running the second you text him.
He will be there,
You won't see him entering.
The goofy laugh he gives will shine in a darkened room.
He is closed but will let you in slowly.

I told her I love you all over again.
She said I loved you then.
My heart broke,
Who knew adding one letter to a word could cause such pain.
I said my love won't fade,
She said mine already did.
I told her I love you,
She said my love turned to loved the day you left.

If I gave her my heart will she drop it?
I just put it back together.
Afraid of the future knowing it always gets worse.
How many more heartbreaks until the pain stops?
I want to be free I already ran out of tissues but
Still have more tears to give.
My heart still aches but wants to move on,
I want to be first for once.

I'm trapped in a glass box.
Watching people smile while I'm pretending to be ok.
No one seems to notice,
All I want to do is break out.
It's looked down on to be different,
So I seat here in my glass box,
Too afraid to get out.

Everything made sense in the end.
That's what I thought, but I was wrong.
The yelling got louder; I could barely hear myself think.
I wondered why this was happening, but I got no answer.
No one wanted to explain it to me.
No one wanted to help.

Pretty and sweet.
Quite enough not be seen but loud Enough to be heard.
She hides in the dark,
Shine's so bright in the light.
She shines are the darkest days.
Brings you happiness
Just to be thrown out 10 days later.

I love a closed book.
Every day is a new page,
A lot of adventures ahead.
Every word is sticking to my Brian.
I’m the blank page, she is my ink
Our story will last forever
Even we don’t.

Why did I give my heart away?
I thought this time it would be a different story to tell.
The type that ends with smiles instead of tears.
The one where everyone wins,
but this isn't that type of story.
Instead, one person lost all their heart and gained broken trust.
I gave my heart away, hoping for a different type of ending.

She gave him all her love,
Only for him to take her heart for years then ruin her trust in the end.
He saw someone easy to take control of, which set his never-ending plan in motion.
She had love in her eyes until he took everything the poor women had.
He made her believe it was all her head; that's why she stayed to the end.
The day it ended was the day she had no more for him to steal.
All the trust and hopeless feelings ruin out.

The walls look a little whiter than normal.
Why is the fan making such a loud noise?
Did my room always look this messy?
Maybe it's all in my head but this doesn't seem right.
Everyone is moving on I'm still stuck in the same moment.
The moment everyone forgot about.
I hid the blades but there always in the back of my mind.
Wondering when I will need them next to shut up my lonely mind.
The one that keeps trying to talk even thought I don't want to hear it.
The thing that makes me feel more hurt than anyone in my family.
I don't even have my family just my phone with random people to text that don't even want me.
So I sit here alone again for the tenth day in a row.

I won’t let anyone hurt you.
I will save you from the darkness of the world.
All you will see is happiness and sunshine.
I will be by your side throughout the sad and evil or the sunny and cheery.
I will watch you grow to tell amazing girls.
Sharing memories all night about my past and your future.
Watching you smile while dad tells corny jokes.
While your mom takes you on walks all through the day.
Those bedtime stories will be dreams and tales to tell your kids one day.
Take one day at a time.
There is no reason to rush.

When his hands are on mine, I slowly melt in the arms around me.
My voice starts to fade, He holds me tighter to reassure me I'm safe.
When his hands are on mine, I feel the time has paused.
He brings out a part of me that I hid away afraid of getting hurt again.

Love is a broken match.
Each day is trying to find the perfect person.
The one that makes you better because that’s all you hear from your parents.
Love will find you.
First, love yourself, and it will come when you are ready.
Stop trying to make a fair tale happen.
Books are written when the writer is ready.
The tale of you is still being worked on.

He's gone.
No more messages,
No more hellos or goodbyes.
The years together all disappeared
There was no fight to keep it alive.
One evening I said do you still care for me? there was no response.
He never reached out again and that was a lifetime ago.

When love comes to my door.
Would I let him in or turn his body away so I can’t be broken later.
He stands a few feet away with a smile and open arms.
I want him to come closer to hold my body.
I’m nervous about giving someone my young heart to keep in this hand.
When he comes knocking on my door I will give my love in return for his.

Was everything meant to be?
Did something turn into nothing?
Maybe it was just in my head but I know you felt it too.
Don't make me feel crazy for something I know was real.

I'm a believer in love
That it doesn't go away overnight.
Maybe it shows up one day without a reason,
Only to beg for it to stay longer.
Love has seen the world go around and around, waiting for the right people.
The type of people who aren't afraid of going the extra mile.
Who are crazy about one another in every Universe.

The time is coming,
Pack up everything and run.
I don’t think we can stay together,
Promise me that you will fight.
Don’t show weakness,
That's how they will destroy everything.
I can't say anything else,
The hourglass is almost out.
Run now!
Run faster!
Run far away from here.

My life became a mess.
I started to love darkness more than the light.
It made me feel safer knowing soon all the stress would be gone.
I know that living isn't just surviving.
It's wanting to wake up to do something new.
To wanting to see the future not run from it.
I don't know if I was running but I was so used to not living I didn't see the reason to keep going.
To want to be happy because I didn't see a point in it.
A point to go to the light vs deep deep dark.

Medicine,
I wish I didn't need it to survive.
Take a sip of water to swallow the pill keeping me alive.
Medicine,
I used to think it was a weakness to rely on something to make me feel "normal."
Medicine,
Either make me better or worse, but I wouldn't be here without it.

He never loved anyone like his first love.
Plays girls not to be broken again,
Which means hurting everyone to save himself.
Tells girls he likes them then Throws it all away after a hook up.
He see's nothing wrong with what he's doing not understand how many girls hearts are hurting each night.
His smile hides the truth,
The tears that happen the next day revalue what was missing.
Here comes the new girl that won't know what's coming her way

My mind desires him,
Even at the dead of night.
For if the house goes cold,
My thoughts of him warm my heart.

I hope you're doing ok.
I havent heard from you for a while but maybe it's meant to be this way.
In the sense that you moved on without me.
Without telling me that's how it's going to be.
I'm still waiting for a text that may never come.
A phone call that won't go threw.
I hope you're ok because it seemed like you don't want me Anymore and that's fine.
I'm better now.
Only if I could say that without crying

The way it turned
I took your love and messed it up.
I wanted him to feel the same pain.
Somethings don’t go as planned,
I got hurt in the end.
I didn’t think he had it in him to start a fire,
I guess not everyone is the same.
My heart broke in 100 pieces
Each smaller then the last.
All that is left is his voice hanging around my dying body.
This could of stopped if i just I’m sorry.

It's right there.
Hidden in a bottle with a warning.
Open now or wait to see what happens.
I take the cap off,
There I was in a pretty blue dress from years ago.
I wonder what is she doing?
All she said was, don't go home tonight.
There I stand in the parking lot, thinking if this is real.
I debated going home, but I wait until sunrise in this empty place that I now call home.

The sky is split between light and darkness.
Looks like the night I can't forget about.
Cries that were louder than the noise in my head.
It's been eight and half months.
Now the tears remind of strength of a day that could of ended way worse.

You aren’t a real boy.
The words haunt me.
My dad looks at me and then let out his dark thoughts after one too many beers.
Telling me, I give him nightmares for wanting to look a real man.
he is  asking me why I’m doing this just for attention.
Just like the blue hair and being gay.
I’m nothing in eyes.
He feels terrible, so he adds I love you to fix it all.
I’m still under is spell trying to get out but too scared to fight back.
He doesn’t understand how being trans saved my life.
I finally want to live.

The sky is blue and slight cloudy.
My mind starts to scramble and put all the pieces together.
I can't stop thinking of last months and all the words that were said.
It happen so fast,
Next think I know I'm alone once more.
Thinking of the memerios that will be gone in a year.
Hoping we meet again before I forget who you are.

My person is out there,
Dreaming of the day we meet.
Hoping it will be a night to remember until the next one.
I wish I could tell them I'm ready, but no hurry, take your time, my love.
I will meet everyone to get to you.
We won't know who the other is until the first hello.
The first stare into each other's eyes.
The first day of the rest of our lives, we will spend daydreaming of the other.
I will smile every day just hearing their name.
Today is the first of many tries.

I look down and around,
Only to see him smiling at me.
It's the type of smile that screams run, but I stayed.
Maybe he isn't so bad after all.
I gave him a chance, and in seconds, the betrayal happened.
He took me by the arm and watched me scream in pain until it was over.
Until there was nothing more he could take.

I wish I wasn’t born trans,
Then maybe I would love my bare body instead of putting my hands over the chest that didn’t ask to be there.
Wishing the hands would turn my chest into the flat board that I desire.
Hoping one day this will be in my deepest of memories,
Maybe In that other life I would have wanted to share my body with my eyes open.
When i say I wish I wasn’t trans,
I mean I wish I didn’t smile more when thinking of getting parts of myself removed.
I mean I wish I got the easy way
I mean I wish
I wish I loved myself how everyone else loved me growing up.

The darkness is coming.
Are you ready for the faith of your loved ones?
No one saw this coming but me.
I saw the signs of the world ending,
no one believed me.
Now everyone wants my help,
I'm sorry you choose your battle.
The darkness is here.

I hate that I love you.
I didn’t ask to want to live,
now I don’t want to go.
I hear your voice and it makes
Me cry.
I never felt happy before this.
They see though my fake feelings
It’s  nothing but truths.
I love the moments I spend with him,
I hate that I want to live

I never thought someone could make me feel this loved until I met her.
She hugged me and told me to hold on,
That life is only starting. To fight a little longer.
She stayed with me during my darkness, taught me how to love again.

Wake me from this dream,
I've been here too long.
Things are starting to seem too real.
I scream but no one hears a word,
Everyone tells me I'm awake.
Wake me up from this lost land I call home.
Please don't leave me here forever.
I'm not ready to stay.

You aren’t anything but words.
I made you
You try to destroy me, but it’s working.
I try to ignore you.
The words make a play script.
It’s a little movie in my head.
It seems to easy to give in.
I fight and fight.
You picked the wrong boy.
I’m a tough boy.
A smart boy.
Try again. I’m ready now.
Throw your best shot.

If I say goodbye would that be good enough for you?
Would you finally let me free or keeping holding be back?
I need to start over but you won't let me go.
I know we been though a lot but I finally feel ready to start something new.
If you let me go I promise it will be for the better.
I held on to the memories realizing it was all in my head.
That you didn't care about me has much as I did.
If I finally say goodbye would you let me be free of this fake love.

I smile.
Does he notice how nervous I am?
My voice is shaking,
I’m starting to sweat.
He looks back at me and waves.
I start to blush,
I hope this isn't the end.

Thank you for making my childhood the wonderful land of candy smelling bedrooms.
Love that covered the house falls to make sure we never felt alone.
Working long hours to make sure we could do everything we wanted.
She was watching us run in meets even if it took hours to get, though.
They were never second-guessing us when we didn’t feel right.
Always checking to make sure we are doing ok.
Never making us do things we didn’t want to do.
Family vacations meant scrip booking and walked in the woods.
Late night drinks by the fireplace.
Always making the family smile.

Winter
The snow keeps falling
People are falling in love.
The trees keep changing, just like people’s minds.
The memories of times come and go while drinking hot cocoa.
I watch the snowfall while thinking of her.
Knowing she is doing the same.
She loves the snow, and I like her.
I watch the snow, knowing I’m closer to her.

Dear ADHD/depression
Why did you pick me?
Maybe it was to teach me life wasn’t meant to be easy.
I want to say thank you.
Thank you for having me fight- having me show that I want to be alive.
I never knew how strong I was until finally, my mind was free.
Three years of trying to survive but too weak to fight back.
All started freshman year trying so hard to stay another day.
I took the pen and let the devils draw on my arm and felt no pain.
You made me heartless under a masked smile that everyone believed.
I wore cut-up socks to cover up the scars that you caused me.
Sh was my drug of choice- it made the pain go away for a second.
Just like any habit, I needed more to be happy.
Late at night, I let my devils draw anywhere they wanted.
Wearing pants to cover up their artworks.
February 2020
the day my life almost ended. Afraid of what would happen if I stayed home another hour.
summer 2020
wishing my pain would go away.
December 2020
decided the fight was minutes from ending.
December 10th, 2020
the day I started living. Under all this hate was hidden ADHD.
Sometimes I still miss you but have my memories to show the truth.
Thank you for making me choose life.
from
the angle that isn’t ready to go home yet.

Blah blah blah
Take me to shut your mind up.
You know you really want me.
All you have to do is find me.
(Takes one pill)
Now I control you,
Without me you suffer.
What if you can’t get more of me.
Will you hid behind a broken smile begging to get me.
Begging so much people think you have an addiction.
Blah blah hurt self.
I told you need me and you didn’t believe it.
Come on take one more.
You know you really want too.
(Finally takes it again)
Everything just stops.

Will this be my fairy tale?
I hold on tight to the slight hope that lingers.
When he says goodbye, I wonder if this time he means forever.
I wonder if this will be my fairy tale or the start of my never-ending heart break.
Will all his love give me enough trust not to be worried for the future?
It's not his fault that he picked a damaged heart to love.

I wish my life was a fairy tale so you would be right next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so I could finally have a princess sitting next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale,
Then maybe all the bad would disappear.
Disappear from everything that made me wish for a different life.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so then everything could be happiely ever after once again

There I am
Nothing but darkness.
I see my body laying on the floor.
Is it lifeless or just giving up?
I hear a voice telling me to fight,
I wonder why?
Is this a nightmare that just begun?
I must hurry to the end, there is no light how can I see?
There is a Shadow that is looking at me.
I Run and try to keep my balance and
Nothing seems the same.
I finally see the exit, what if this is trick?
I see the water around me.
Wait, Why are you here?
Well, you help me, please?
I tell my self to wake up!
Finally, I’m safe once again.

Take a med and swallow.
Take a med and swallow.
Take a med and wish you could stop.
But you can't and you never will.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
I don't want to feel like a zombie but I don't know what to do.
I'm happy and I don't want it to change.
Take a med and swallow.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
What do I do now? I thought everything was normal but my whole night is fading.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
Stop the meds but then you will suffer.
Take a med and fall asleep.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.

Does he think of me?
When we are apart, does he wants all of me or dread coming home.
The smile is probably a mask to hide his pain.
He says he wants me,
His eyes tell a different story.
The Look says he is thinking of a way to leave.
Does he think of me or the boy he wishes I could be?
Please tell me how you really feel.
I can't be someone who wants to be anywhere else but home.

What if she leaves again?
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
My heart will tear into it, but maybe that's for the better.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be in the end.
What if she never wanted me?