Not publicity,
KINDNESS.
23/5/2023

Why do I feel numb
Watching the world
Listless in sight
Because I only see it in black and white

Colors are washed out of my eyes
And every light in me has died
All I see are smiles as frowns
Because I only see them upside down

Love songs don’t have any meaning
For a person who is trapped in their mind
Love can attempt to come my way
And I will just glance and walk away

Storm clouds cries and fills the ocean
But my salty tears competes with emotion
Filling the ocean ten times till tomorrow
That the ocean will be overwhelmed with sorrow

In the end,
I try a superficial smile
And try to fool myself for awhile
But as much as I try
There is nothing left inside
Because everything in me
Can’t seem to come alive

Don’t mean to misguide,
Misadvise,
Scrutinize
Don’t devise
Any plans
Anymore
I apprise
What of relevant use
From experience brings
Synchronicity from
The discordant heartstrings

Forty years, drinks in hand,
Cheers to life, a wild demand.
Reflections swirl, memories unfold,
A drunken toast, turning bold.

In the depths of despair, forty years unfold,
A somber reminder, a story untold.
Drunk and desolate, lost in the night,
A bleak existence, devoid of light.

I try to keep myself distracted
From my breaking mind and heart
Over thinking how I overreacted
Trying to get the healing to start

The harder I try to heal
The more I feel attacked
The less I know what is real
The less I know how to interact

My words come out forced and slow
As my mind runs in a circle
My anger blooms and begins to show
Is this fight eternal?

Crying alone on the inside
Screams echo through my mind
It feels like I already died
In this darkened grave I lay confined

I've worn this mask for far too long
Pretending always that nothing's wrong
I always had to be the one to be strong always seeking Somewhere I Belong

The mask sinks it's Talons into my skin
I don't know where I end and The Mask begins
It seems now to be wearing thin
I thought it protected me- but it is my sin

It's the lie that I show to the world
The lie I've worn since I was a little girl
I was trained to hide all my pain
I was constrained to pretend I'm sane

I became the mirror to all who peered in
I withdrew to the iron and porcelain cage Within
Pretending always in this unending ruse
Hiding every tear and every bruise

Pretending I wasn't abused
Leaving my conscience more confused

I faked it so long I lost who I am
Condemning myself - feeling ******
No one needs to see my strife
So I've stayed hidden away all my life

Always in fear of what the world would do
If they found out my truth - if they knew
So I sublimated myself as I grew
Speaking my truth to only a few

Most often when I finally shared
My fear was realized - they abhorred me - or didn't care
Now it seems I can no longer hide
Because I can feel myself slowly dying inside

What will I do when my mask shatters
What will you do - I guess that's what matters
Will you also cast me away
Or will you still choose to stay