Like rain on a wildfire
When will relief finally come
I'm so very tired
I beg for death

Everyone has turned aside
And followed their hearts
I'm left in the dust
With my traditional ways

In God I trust
I'm zealous and sure
Yet have no one to speak to
Who believes like I do

My treasures cannot be seen
My good deeds go unnoticed
Everyone has turned their backs
And followed their own paths

The proud have their lives
I am devoid in all matters
Robbed of my senses
Horrified by what I see

Father come soon
The ways of the world are not for me
Take me away
Where I can rest from the pain

From what did it stem
This ship wreck of a life
I sit with memories
Picking up pieces
Only to release them
Like a fly in my house
But where is my wife

In my photo album
Made an addendum
Never again
Too much pain
I said please
Got on my knees
And begged her to stay
What did she say
Where is she now?

Long nights
Cold sweats
Short days
Regrets
In my sleep
Nightmares
I try to smile
Meanwhile

Meteorite misses
Plagues and diseases
New skin creases
While my missus kisses
Another worthless
Enemy
It's making me feel
Like I wanna stay home
Eternally
Alone forever
What's the remedy

How alone must I be
Before I repent
Heaven send me
Someone new
So I can finally let go
Cause these times
This nightmare
Has left me begging
Begging

Hail to the fire
May the light never wane
For fire I am yearning
I am enlightened by pain
My stomach keeps turning
I am covered by shame
My eyes reflect the burning
I am drawn to the light like a moth to the flame

Fire like water
Cleanses in its own way
Just like my father
Who would work me all day
Just like the visions
Of mockery all night
Constant divisions
Had to learn how to fight

Fire like water
Makes my nightmares float away
They turn into dreams, I can think on all day
Where the morning-bird sings
Where I grow wings
And fly to heaven
I remember the King
Walking upon the water
Commanding fire from above
Ohhh
The pain
The pain
I need fatherly love
In this place
In your heart
I need help from above
How I long for peace
And for fatherly love
For a bit of release
When my task here is done

The pain
The pain
All I wanted was love
In your heart
In your heart
Stop tearing me out
The fear
The fear
Of what you have become
Memories
Coming back
Oh what have we done
Save me
Save me
You don't have to run
Hear me
Hear me
Though I know
You are not
The one

In the gap between sorrow and joy
Where the cowardly rest eternal
Where the mood is continually dull
And the cup is always half full
There the colour is only grey
And the lines are always straight
There the clock has stopped to fate
And there is no love and hate
There a dog barks but cannot bite
There a man drinks but cannot sate
And though he begs and talks all day
No one listens anyway
That is where I find myself
When I just do as I please
Though I'm content and at ease
Even God cannot help such as these
For this is the result of one-way prayer
This is lukewarmness that can never cease
This is worse than a disease
This is the end result of a desire to be free

I have no future
Never had one
I just obeyed others' voices
And did what I was told

My acts of rebellion
Self-harm and drugs
Act according to flesh
Satisfy my appetite

I stay away from women
Because that is what I desire
And I learned early on
That I cannot have what I want

Too much time alone
No one to trust
But I'd stick my hand out
Into fire to pull you out

My life is a sacrifice
I am a target
For people to point at and cast into the dirt
To inflate their ego

I see evil people
They're the ones that abused me in school
And set themselves above me
By twisted right and authority

I pray for vengeance
I want revenge against the wicked
Yet deep down I hope my curses fail
I try to forgive

How much longer must I endure
The pleasures of this world don't entice me
The riches and glamour are not for me
The pain in my soul has infected my body

I can see my enemies
are closer than my friends indeed
Always on my mind, I can never be freed
Like birds they soar, they peck at me like seeds
So I clipped their feathers and broke their beaks...

Blood-******* freaks...

Who sets up snares before your eyes?
Who stomps on you and ignores your cries?
Who seeks mommy before he dies?
Adorn yourself with blood and gore
And they will learn the meaning of hell and war

Blood-******* freaks... forevermore...

You're not dumb or dense
I won't leave you in suspense
Your blood is precious upon the throne
Offer your lifeblood and eternal life you will earn
Repent of cowardice and turn, while these

Blood-******* freaks... forevermore... BURN!!!

I dwell in cold places
Devoid of human warmth
Wherein are many faces
Of the human will they're born
Rich in human traces
Though lost to humankind
When I feel I'm about to fall
When I'm about to go blind
My paintings on the wall
Keep me alive
To dream of a different time

I walk through frozen landscapes
Where ice and snow take form
Can't drink the blood of grapes
To bring my temperature to norm
To my face the task,
To my back a stick
On my face a mask
I build things brick by brick
Though my feet are blistered and torn
And my shoes are withered and worn
Still the rhythm of music
Is keeping me warm

What benefits are there for knowing God?
You get no applaud
Maybe a cross on the wall and a bible on the shelf
It will be something you keep to yourself
No one will share in your belief
Unbelief will come like a thief
Wicked thoughts will spring up like weeds
On the ground where you've planted good seeds
More than the sand on the shore of the seas
Forcing you to fight an endless battle
You will be a shepherd in a field of grass and cattle
Trying to keep your mind pure where snakes rattle
Normal people will no longer be on your level
You will no longer be indifferent to evil
Suffering greatly fighting the devil
You will notice those who distort truth
You will know them by their fruit
The devil will send demons both spiritual
And in human form to mislead you
You will belong to a whole different kind of family
Once they knew you, now they don't see
For you are no longer the person you used to be
You will be called crazy
The world will make you an outsider
Though you open your arms wider
The world will reject you for sure
For you are no longer the world's, or worldly in nature

My family is one
My love life is two
I've burned all bridges
There's no way through
My home life is three
My work life is four
I can't do my chores
I remain poor
Four walls surround me
And there's no door
I am wounded
Disturbed to the core
The only way out
Is either up or down
Which way I go
Is out of my hands
I am too badly hurt
And uncomfortable
To plan anything
Let it all crumble
The grave awaits
Desolate yet humble
I await good news
And then I stumble
I want to go
Wanna pass away

I dwell in empty graveyards
Where my soul is at rest
Away from all the vanity
I feel a connection with the dead
Where spirits listen
To my voice

I feel their presence
They hear the noise
Of proud human
Laughs and moans
And of feet
Stomping their bones

Haughty eyes
Having fun
Head in the clouds
Like the mid-day sun

And I don't want to hinder their progress
How their hair shines
Their skin is perfect
And their time is now

But if there's someone else out there
With lowly eyes
Wish you were here with me
Don't wanna be alone no more
We can be wise
And go to paradise

I've given gifts to my sisters
And honoured my father
Was kind to my mother
And prayed for my brothers
But I never bothered
To reach for the stars
To live for myself
And not for another

I'm not a go-getter
Yet I risk my neck
Because they are better
And I am a wreck
I was always behind
Through painful neglect
Their feelings are mine
Forever to protect

But they see me as a slacker
For my heart is cracked
I lack stability
And mending a broken heart
Is beyond their ability
I'm poor as the dirt road that led me
Here to the point where I can see
That all I've ever wanted
Was for someone to support me
So I wouldn't always need
To stand on my feet

I see your call
I pick up the phone and stall
Maybe I answer and say
Baby where have you been...?
Why haven't you been around...

This scenario plays in my mind
Yet I know what your answer would be
I wasn't very kind to you
I wanted to change your truth
And now I regret the present

Yes I have lost you, sure
Now your absence speaks in honest words
I thought we would journey worlds
I must move on, not to dwell
And hope to see us some day well

I would have loved if I had known
Love is not something you can hold
Everything's so overgrown
I cannot toil, I must control

For once I turn my back it folds
Like a house of cards it falls
Back to dust it slowly goes
Rust consumes within these walls

And like the dust that moves with air
One day It will settle down
I'll live my life without a care
And dig my roots into the ground

I've been living under a spell for so long
A lying backbiting little runt of a demon
Who points out all my faults and humiliations
And throws them in my face at will

I can feel my strength being drained
And it takes all my focus to redeem myself
I say to my soul, I am innocent
Compared to some, I am a saint

In each flashback or vision I have
The demon is there to laugh
My memories are a mess of truths and lies
Time distorted my mind to the events of the past

We are living through trying times
We are at the cusp of a breakthrough
I will be holding my post
Even if I must stand alone

Had a good time
I was free
Did what I wanted
I had to reach
This point
To battle the spectre
That haunts me
I've been lazy
I've been reclusive
Most of all
Selfish
Now I live
With the results
For alas
I have no one
Not a soul
Who will carry the burden
Of all I've done
I'm alone
With my thoughts
But in the end
That's the cure
For my restless head
As I sink into bed

Can you hear the desperate cry of the broken hearted saying good-bye as they hold back tears through all the years it takes to forgive those kind of sears? To build one up to tear one down to see them smile then see them frown what a life to stir up strife only to leave a man without a wife? Too many adulterers in this place I see them chasing evil like its a race only to cry in full display when they are caught and made to pay. Emotion is not good I learned it first hand unless you're a woman please understand you treat me bland like I'm tough meat you spit me out still I think you're neat. I try to run I see you here I see you there and everywhere. I thought you'd care didn't think you'd dare but it's all part of the cross I have to bear.

What is the lot of a liars life
The beautiful things in life I condemn
I was never allowed to grow
Just shut up and do as you're told
I have a hard time explaining what I know
The way I was raised bears a strong hold
I was being strangled now I strangle others
Twisted and flipped what once was real
I was robbed but now I steal
My words don't match the way I feel
My testimony is false
I am at the verge of death
Yet I act like I have pride
My fists are clenched but my eyes open wide
Even when I sleep curled on my side
Society has failed me, so I failed it
I expect them to mock while I throw a fit
Because they don't tell the truth
Now I find myself doing the same thing
Perverting what's sacred
Blinded by hatred
I stand guilty before my maker
I am a failure in my own eyes
Yet things aren't always how they appear
I wish there was something for me here

Being shy
I open my hands
Whatever I get
I feel content
I don't ask for more
Or less
The wall is enough
The shadows on the ceiling
Make me feel a certain way
There is nothing on earth
That doesn't make me feel
Something or another
As long as I feel
I know I'm alive
I can't turn back time
Can't forward the clock
My mission has ended
So I sit with my thoughts
I know I'm being tested
But I feel so tired
My excuse is
I'm half asleep
Then I get shocked
Then I go back to sleep
I'm on leave
Until I get back up
Show me what there is
I'm missing
And please stop
Hurting me

Light and dark
Good and bad
Male and female
Are not equal

For light dispels darkness
Good triumphs over bad
Male goes into female
Such it was and always will be

Love sees none of this
Love sees hope in all things
That work together
For the ultimate ******

So I will not be bitter
When suffering persecution
I await the storm's end
And let love work its miracles

I want to get married for a free card
Too much kindness makes me hard
I must maintain my celibacy
The family tree ends with me

There is a woman that I know
Who thinks it's good to **** and blow
The story goes she don't last long
Moans and screeches are her song

God forgive this worthless stoner
I'm alone but not a loner
The way you coerced it into her
I will break your little *****

And she is a little spinner
And at love I'm no beginner
I will forget and ignore yet I find
I'm going insane from seduction of mind

I try to be open
My words a stream
My love of the Lord
Is my life's theme
My heart on my sleeve
My pearls before swine
My people never gave
Patience and time
To be saved
To be redeemed
That's not the point
Of my ministry

My people are dogs
I'm a sheep amongst wolves
They point and laugh
And call me a fool
For they are cruel
They want to eat me alive
The way they drool
No hand over mouth
I get stares that are cold
I suffer grievous harm
To the point where I fold
Yet I do as I'm told
I ignore so much
Love shouldn't be sold
I reject no one
In truth I am bold

I had a dream
I remember these words
You bear the cross of Noah
Is what I heard
When I go out in the world
When I preach the word
I get hurt
I argue my case
And get thrown in the dirt
They spit in my face
Such is the world
Look what they chase
Before they get hurled
To a terrible place
And be disgraced
When the scroll gets unfurled
I don't want that to happen
To this simple race
The key to forgiveness
Is to be happy
But in this place
It's an impossibility for me
So I wait patiently
For my hopes to be real
In the end I will reap
The fruits of my zeal

In my youth I have followed
A heart of darkness
Over the edge
And into the water

In my youth I have rebelled
And followed my instinct
Into a grave
Of my own doing

Let me forget my youth
And feel something new
Don't want to relive again
A past full of pain

Even now I have no future
Can't make plans
Can't do anything alone
For I was brought up a slave

There's no use in remembering
If I went back
I could change nothing
Wish I could forgive

Yet even the darkest cloud
Can end with the rainbow
I'm hoping for something good
To come my way

Love is accepting
That's not what I gave
It wasn't love
But a harsh lesson from above
A desire to save
That put our ties in a grave
We succumbed to the hail
This love doomed to fail
My love has grown cold
And due to betrayal
Where once I was bold
I'm now just a baby
Or so I've been told
It put out my sun
I search for red flags
And see evil in everyone
Like they're hiding a gun
I
Trust
No
One

Sometimes it rains when I cry
I know how the dying feel
Yet miracles happen before my eyes

No one understands
For who can put into words
A being which exists in and of itself

The mind searches the unthinkable
The unspeakable
And then we forget

Like dreams
Like memories from your unique angle
So vital, so personal

Making mistakes for the sake of honesty
Shouldn't cost me my life
Though to some it's social suicide

I see little messages that poke out sometimes
Everywhere I go, everything is trying to tell me something
Yet to react is considered mental illness

Where is the future
Don't trust it
I'm good with what happened
What good is it for

Where is the past
It's tangled by emotions
I see it again and again
At different angles

Can't sleep
I see the past
I live it once more
In my dreams

Can't sleep
The future is frightening
I see it once more
In my dreams

Can't trust the past
Can't trust the future
Only the present
I feel incomplete

Look at the power
Feed it once more
The sadness and sorrow
Like a black hole

I find myself grumbling
and gnashing my teeth
Another humbling
betrayal again
I saw myself leaning
trying to solve another's pain
Saw things too deep
and missed the meaning
What do I need
these memories for
I must take heed
and strengthen my core
Never to forget
these mistakes sore
Lest I forget
And repeat them once more

I was never good with women
When they choose me, it freaks me out
Why me? I'm disgusting

So I kissed the one at arms reach
While the one farther away cried
And I realized the error

That I love the one far away
As I tried to warm up to her
She cried even harder

The one I kissed went away
I realized I lost them both
I was never good with women

You can see it in his eyes, his lips, face
When he leave a person, a place
He doesn't know how to mask it, he must be careful
who he lets into his space
Everywhere he goes, he leaves a trace
Emotions rub off on others
And he's a disgrace

Broken and dead
put him in a box
Bury him six feet deep
Cover him with rocks
Let him sleep
Among stopped clocks
Such is their wish, though death never knocks

He has been dropped from a height
He appears to have flopped
Yet in the Lords sight
He is mighty and bright
He will reap the crops
And the fruit of his work
When he outlives those that smirk

I wish I could just tell the truth
without being ripped to shreds
The truth is I am hurting
Attacked spiritually while in bed
Hypocrites full of hate
Who cry peace but are destroyers
Been praying for them of late
I cry over their fate
But they're so at ease
They simply can't relate
Misfortune is a breeze
They cannot tolerate
While I sit shellshocked
Dumbfounded and confused
Because I care about the wicked
I always get used

A passing spirit
Might hear it
When I talk to myself
Inside my head
I don't fear it
I cheer for it
I hide nothing from it
I open my soul to it
It changes me
It clears up the misconceptions
I talk to it
Lay before it
What I can't express
How my soul is stressed
Can't show my face
My lungs are full of toxic waste
My heart is venomous
My head suppresses it
A filter silences me
Truth is repressed in me
Words form in my heart
But are too revolutionary
My friends are distasteful
Speaking to people
Is a leap of faith
Some are like sheep
Most are stubborn like goats
I don't want to be an influence
Don't want to be heard
Except by the passing spirit
The passing bird
In my head

Something hidden from the wise
And yet to fools, is no surprise
The depth and gravity of yearning eyes
That magnetically spellbind with attractive lies

Puts black holes to shame
Different day different name
Those who see through the game
Flee the soul trap all the same

Yet when it dies, is a relief
For it is a power thief
Else it might live long enough to see
And know the truth, which is worse I believe

Today I prayed to God and said
I want to give up, want to give in
The worldly path is glistening
People can't be reasoned with
I can't even tell if you're listening
Feeling oppressed, wish I was dead
I envy those who already died
I am one whom you cast aside
I know well this world is hell
With many pitfalls everywhere
You cannot tell, they hide them well
I couldn't tell before I fell
I wish you'd talk to me like the old days
But I feel you've forsaken me due to my ways
I come to you hurting and muddy
Why do you keep slamming me into the dirt?

At heart I'm an extrovert
Though I've always been shy
I think I am kind
They ask me why do I tolerate so much rudeness
Why do I waste my time
Thinking things will get better
It's because I am blind to their ways
Blind to their games

They have a sense of humour
But it's an unnerving kind
That keeps me silent
Don't know if I should laugh or cry
Jokes of mockery
Laughter at misery
They speak for pleasure
Rather than for the greater good

But I'm tired to fight
And so I retreat
Into my nest
Where I put up my feet
And try to forget
Try not to crack
Yet memories always seem to come back

I take comfort in knowing
I'm not the centre of the world
I don't need to make a huge difference
That might prove to be a hindrance
If you take kindness for weakness
There's something you're not seeing
It takes great strength
To be a worthwhile human being

I live in the shade
A dark corner of the housetop
My actions and habits
Have all lead me here
I live in fear
of losing what's meant to be lost
and gaining what's meant to be gained
I sit in the dark

Light means exposure
From its pinnacle I have fallen
Into an abyss of my own doing
A prison of my own making
I want to leave
There's nothing for me here
except more of the same
Like eating the same food for eternity

I've decided to leave
Though I have no destination
I will scour the nation
And search for you
Lead me away from my burden
Take me away from myself
Refresh my aching spirit
Remind me that misery isn't centre stage

I find the mind difficult to control. Looking forward, facing the right way is essential. Thunderous flashbacks mixed with imagination that fight one another spiral into a force so loud it could produce a mushroom cloud. But only to your ear. The friction of an inner fight is enough to set my mind alight, usually at night when I'm trying to sleep. It hurts deep. If negative energy creeps in, I go out. I get up or toss and turn; it really hurts the way they hurt me, the ax forgets but not the tree. I forgive, without a doubt because I want to forget. I have no regrets, I'm just in a dark place and the only thing that will suffice is a really nice slice of paradise with Christ, but the inner war with vice cannot be won unless you stop being nice and purge these demons from your life.

You thought you would get a laugh, watching me squirm;
stepping on me, crushing me like a grape for your cup.
I was to be your trophy, on the wall of those you *******;
you'd look back and say a-ha! Look what we made you do

It's true that a dark cloud has enveloped me;
depression weighs heavy on one who can see nothing but darkness
Anxiety keeps me from the connections I need
To conquer addiction I must face my demons

I toss and turn in bed, and wish I was dead;
The Lord allows this, yet gives me bread.
He put to flight me enemies, they exist only in my head;
he took my sword, and fought for me instead.

The pain that I feel, is centred on me;
the shame that I feel, is not what others see
I cannot describe the way that I feel
A faith in that which is not yet, but some day will be real

The fire that would keep me warm has burned me
The people I wanted in my life have betrayed me
I depend on water that would drown me
I put my trust in someone that would strangle me
The walls I put up no longer protect me
They forced me into the light before I was ready
They bit off my finger when I reached out my hand
Put me into the ground, without trying to understand
We live in a world where anything goes
There's nothing I can do to help, too many blows
Yet throughout it all God knows
I will wait on him to make things right
And chase the wicked out of sight

I never chased the things I lacked
Hoped they would just come around
People ask what's with the frown
Some things gone do not come back
It's not what I lack that has me down
It's that I didn't cherish the things I had
In the well of thoughts I drowned
Now I'm like a fish going round and round
Or an angry bitter hound
Forever stuck to a pole in the ground
The ball and chain, to which I'm bound
If I break free, I will be glad
With a mind that is clear and sound
To face the good, endure the bad

I never gave my future any thought
Someone else decided it for me, see
Now I'm free
Yet I find a wall where the sky should be

I never gave my future any thought
I just focused on my breath
And lived for the present
Before came what's inevitable

Now that I think about my future
I brace myself for the unknown
Yet not all is within my power
Some things just happen on their own

I want my roots to dig deep
I want my hands to reach out
Without relying on force
I can't do it alone

No worth
To earth
Low birth
No use
Short fuse
No hope
Just dope
Unsure
Impure
Uncured

I learn
God's word
Now I'm
Assured
When I'm through
Hands of love
Will take me
Away from earth

And I
Am ready
To take
The voyage
New world
New birth
To heaven
Where someone
Is waiting

The way it's been
Is not the way it's ending
You say I cannot win
Because you see me struggling
My skin is thin
Each insult leaves me crying
I let you in
And now Im slowly dying

Forever it will not be
One day I will be happy
You trampled me
But you could not defeat
My conscience says to me
Get back up on your feet
No need to lie or cheat
I will reclaim my seat

I'm like a doe
Or like a raindrop
I go with the flow
Where the wind blows

I feel possessed
Under control
The more I think
The less I know

My mind goes from fast
To incredibly slow
And sometimes life
feels like a show

Tend to the earth
Help trees grow
Uproot the weeds
You reap what you sow

My matters are grave
My spirit is low
Someday it'll make sense
Gotta learn to let go

I'm like a rock, or maybe a tree
I blend in well with the scenery
I don't like drama, can't tolerate fuss
I am a free thinker, don't care about us
It's an over used word, I care for my soul
Everything else is troublesome toil

Holding the past in my hand
It slips through my fingers like sand
I grasp at the grains as they fall
They form on the ground as I crawl

In the present I'm blind and numb
I consume the past to the crumb
Flashbacks make me next to insane
I only ever remember the pain

I surrender to my fate
As I drift off to sleep when it's late
I surrender
I surrender

These days ain't what they used to be
And all that's left is tired old me
The wine and smokes don't help at all
Gotta face myself before I fall

I surrender
I surrender

I relive another memory
As I float on a raft out at sea
I hold the past in my hand
As it slips through my fingers like sand

I remember times long ago
We'd watch the sun setting slow
We held hands and made wishes
As the day drew to a finish
The reddening star was our sign
And for a moment I felt benign

Life is never black or white
I see colours within my mind
Anger is hot, patience is blue
I'm grey, feel nothing without you
I'd love to have you in my sight
You were my favourite love, my light

The other day I walked the track
As the sun warmed my back
I walked past the place we met
And I felt no pain or regret
I remembered the times long ago
I moved on and let go

No amount of water, no amount of soap
No amount of scrubbing with hygienic foam
Can clean me of my crimes,
So I indulge in wines
I drink the fire so clear and rank
To null the inner stank.

No amount of guilt, no amount of shame
No amount of planning in this God-forsaken game
Can free me from your hand,
You are like slippery sand
I think of us and all the fuss
that made me such a wuss.

No amount of wealth, no amount of fame
No amount of telling myself my past will be regained
Can stop me from my aim,
To clear my innocent name,
As the pain falls down on me
so heavy I can see

Truth likes to hide
Look for the clues
Good never mentioned
Death makes the news
Gossips and sadists
Whatever they choose
To feed a hungry race
Who can't refuse

The good things we do are overlooked
Counsellors and therapists, overbooked
We're all influenced by selected truths
It's what makes the news

Don't fall into the trap
Of being too negative
Evil isn't everywhere
You just care
Where is the good
From where does it flow
It's so simple
It's the status quo

Nature is pretty, scenery turned red
The sky is grey, with raindrops it bleeds
The bird feed is gone, the leaves fell to the wind
All that's left on the branches are abandoned nests

As crimson leaves with the wind soar aloft
Up to the sky so high, only to land so soft
Into roads soaked and full of puddles yet cool
Reminds me of life, and how fate can be cruel

Soon when winter comes with its white snow
To cleanse the earth with its cold air flow
I will think of the memories I had
And it makes me sad

I hope to have more time
To right the wrongs, a season in my prime
A new year for which I can now prepare
The start of a new life, and this time I'll care

Wounds upon me
Wounds upon you
Wounds they can't see
Leaving us blue
It's hard to break free
From wounds that struck true
Wounds that follow you
Look what they make us do

The wounds you feel
They will take wings
And you will heal
The angel sings
Wounds will carve
Wounds will sting
Till we are
A better thing