We’re so entrenched in tradition / the admission of conditions that breed petitions of suspicions,
Where no one trusts in case things go bust so we all prepare to swear at the ones that dare to care,
Will we ever break free and see what we could be,
I wont accept that the tears I’ve wept are the aspiration of a nation that for so long has quietly stepped when we probably should of leapt out of the depths,
Our leaders don’t reflect me / the subject / it’s more like disconnect the unchecked and treat me like a suspect,
The youth are amassing and challenging what’s happening / imagining abandoning because the current state is maddening,
What lessons are we teaching with this continuous screeching / impeaching our own preaching ,
What future do we offer them,
We’ve lost our boys and broke our men  but continuously we still condemn.
Amen

A Soldier That’s Lost.

Green was the colour of all of my suits,
Razor starched creases and bulled mirror boots,
Focused and steadfast,
Her majesty’s best,
Ribbons and medals proud on my chest.
15 years and 7 tours to my name,
A considerable asset I truly became,
But since I discharged its been a bit rough,
I don’t like to admit it but I’m finding it tough,
I struggle at times to know what to do,
No ones around and so much is new,
I was the cocky one the life and the soul,
Now I feel life’s spiralling out of control.
My wife doesn’t know me - my kids can’t relate,
I’ve no one around me that I call a mate.
I’ve nowhere to go but a job that’s demeaning,
I used to fight for my country,
I used to have meaning,
Now I get angry and can’t get a focus,
I could disappear now and no one would notice,
It’s not what I envisaged it’s not what I thought,
It’s certainly nothing like what I was taught,
I’m not a civilian,
I’m a soldier that’s lost,
From Her Majesty’s Army it feels like I’ve been tossed.

I write as I’m told,
Of the sights that unfold,
Of torture and torment and bliss.

I write for I can,
With the spirits at hand,
Filling in parts that I miss.

For the laughter and cries,
I lend you my eyes,
To see what it’s like to be me.

Close your mind,
Clear your heart,
From this world break apart,
Eventually you’ll start to see.

Hear the line in your head,
As if it’s just been said,
Write it down as another unfolds,
For it comes as a voice,
Unspoilt by choice,
Though supreme by the questions it holds.

My whole world changed in an instant,
Everything I knew just stopped......
Frozen in stasis,
The whole world could of stopped for all I knew,
But I didn’t,
I felt completely alone in the stillness of the moment,
The panic crawled over me like a dark hood being pulled over my head,
Voices became distant,
My head started to spin,
The realisation hit me that nothing would ever be the same again,
That everything I thought I knew was changing,
Tainted suddenly because it was before this moment,
It terrified me,
But the fear was already giving way to hopelessness,
I felt familiarity slipping away,
Totality engulfed me,
The moment seemed like an eternity,
I felt my heart beating within myself,
I could hear my blood pumping through my veins,
I was blinded by everything I could see.
..........
This was my defining moment,
The point at which all of me hangs in the balance,
My past my present and my future,
This was the moment I feared most of all,
The one I had always kept suppressed,
Every word spoken was like a nail into the coffin of my being,
The sound of those 5 words ripping my life from existence,
I felt the drawn out finality of every letter,
As my ears bled to their release,
My soul screamed in muted defiance,
But still the words came,
Those 5 words that changed everything,
.........
.........
There’s been a terrible accident.

I cant help but cry,
Your all I can see when I close my eyes.
Though it’s causing me pain,
I listen to your voicemail over again,
It won’t make things better,
But I can’t stop breathing in the smell from your sweater,
Your cup’s on the side,
I can’t bare to wash it,
I can’t bare that you died,
Your mum wants to see me ,
She’ll want to talk about you,
But I don’t want to talk because it will make it all true,
Your friends are sending messages,
But all they are doing is adding to my helplessness,
I can’t carry on,
Everything’s broken and it’s all going wrong,
So many why’s,
Why your all  I can see when I close my eyes.

wM

Occasionally a calmness comes over  me...
Slows the world to a momentary hesitance ...
It’s at those moments I look at you -
and see just how beautiful you are,
The gentleness of your heart,
The care in your eyes,
The sensualness of your tender lips,
I catch you unaware in that moment of stillness,
I love you in a way I can't explain,
Its completeness,...........
And then the silence is broken,
The moment is gone and I turn -
Making sure you don’t catch my gaze,
You don’t know that you're my moment of clarity,
That your the only thing I see when the world hesitates.  
I think it’s you that makes time miss a step.

I only hold on for fear of letting go because being with you is all that I know,
Being the temperance to your storm is surely where I belong,
Being the object of your beauty is solely my duty,
I don’t care for my bondages because being here is all I wish,
I don’t care that you bleed me as long as you keep me,
It’s my life to choose what they’re calling abuse,
It’s my duty to make what their saying you forsake,
My purpose is clear albeit not through their eyes,
My purpose is only to keep me alive.

Sometimes my words fill  your empty mouth,
My strength gets you up on those difficult days,
And my hope helps to carry you through,
Because I love you,
Sometimes it doesn’t,
Sometimes none of me reaches any of you,
Rejection and isolation become your sustenance,
On those days ...... I love you,
At times your eyes spark with the thought of a future,
We drink and we dance,
We **** and we forget,
They’re my favourite days by far,
We love those days together,
And once in a while it all becomes too much for you,
You can’t see a way out of your own darkness,
Everything in your head gets louder -
      and drowns out the hope you had,
Those are the days I fear,
I’m sorry I don’t have the answers,
You said you wished I could fix you,
But I can’t ......... fix you,
I can’t fix you because your not broken,
Your not lost or alone,
You have depression,
We live with your depression,
We relish the good days and fight through the bad,
We live for the moments and deal with the downs,
But your not broken my sweet,
Your you,
Depression Is part of you right now,
We can’t fight this battle with a heart of hate,
We win this war with acceptance,
We accept that some days you will need my words,
Or my strength or my hope,
Because every day I need you,
All and every part of you.
My heart burns so bright for you,
A single flame but enough to shine a light in your darkness,
Sometimes I wish things were different,
That you didn’t feel this pain,
Sometimes I wish I could carry it for you,
But I’m thankful,
I’m thankful that I have you as you are,
Rather than not having you at all,
Because I love you,
And I’ll always shine in your darkness.

Looking around our old apartment,
Is like visiting a place from my childhood,
Familiarity hanging on the remnants of a memory,
Your favourite seat by the window,
Where the sun would refract off the glass,
And kiss across your eyelids turning them gold and red,
Now it’s just a space,
Frustratingly vacant,
Everything here reminds me of you,
And it hurts,
A deep aching hollow pain,
It’s endless,
The memory’s taunt me,
I don’t want to be like this,
To wallow in self pity,
I don’t want your death to be all about me,
Because you made me so happy,
Now I feel like I’m betraying that,
Live life you used to tell me,
The tattoo on your shoulder -
“Love is living life to the full.”
Now your not here,
Your nowhere,
And I’d rather be no where with you,
Than anywhere without you.

Catch me gently ,
As my fall you break ,
Lift up my fractured wings ,
My eyes they sting with my new dawn.

My first breath fills me ,
Cold Into my waking brain.
Slipped from limbo ,
Awake at last ,
How have I come to be here ,
The shiver on my skin caught from a breeze ,
The colours so real as I see them shimmer in the light of a true day.
Can this really be heaven ,
Wave after wave of emotion ,
Of being ,
Of being alive .

I am alive ,
Touching the ground ,
Tasting the sounds ,
Noises all around ,

Finally ..... I have fallen to heaven.


wM

It’s easier for you to judge,
you don’t live within these walls,
You don’t fight a daily battle to be heard,

Your eyes see what’s in front of them,
You only hear what’s said,
That’s two perceptions,
What about the third,

That’s the one that’s screaming out,
That struggles every day,
That cannot show or tell you what it’s like,

It overshadows everything,
With a reach that you can’t see,
It twists my ears,
Cast’s shadows on my sight,

I know at times I hurt you,
And I wish you’d see the truth,
sometimes it’s only right I do what’s wrong,

But just because I can’t show you the lyrics of my life,
Doesn’t mean you can not understand my song.

I’m not stuck,
whilst everything around me is wrong,
Im moving on,
Just preparing the next step,
Actually planning when It will start,
Just not now,
But it’s fine because I am smart,
I’ve got it all figured out,
So I’m not actually stuck,
I’m not falling apart,
And that’s not an excuse,
Its all part of my plan,
It’s being in limbo I really can’t stand,
But at least I’m not stuck,
Because that would be awful to be,
I’d be making excuses,
Hoping that no one would see,
That that’s really me.
I’m not stuck.

wM

It consumes me whilst I’m in here,
It feeds from within,
I’m not sure if it’s a crutch that holds me up,
Or a cover that keeps me safe,
But I feel it every day,
Every second of every hour it’s here,
Suggesting and resenting,
Whispering and venting,
It’s affects my physicality,
It makes me feel larger,
Foreboding,
It contorts my features to show its hate,
It scares me but I’m not scared of it,
I accept it because it’s mine,
It’s the only thing I own which no one else can get,
Its all I have in here and I need it to get me through,
My hate,
My loathing,
My vengeance,
The only thing i pray for ,
The one thing I wish to find,
Is that when my time is up,
I can leave this hate behind.

I write despite the growing night,
For the fight inside my mind,
My words succumb to a litany run,
It’s a solace that I find,

Shallow breath,
I dance with death ,
For twisted inspiration,
Pushing back the limits for my selfish liberation,

I laugh and cry,
And try and try,
Yet nothing feeds my paper
Dizzy from the taste of pride,
Tired of this Labor,

Giving in and giving up,
Surrendered to the storm,
I’m the author of my slaughter,

I watched an old man plant a tree,
Then describe how beautiful it would be,
Knowing he wouldn’t be alive to see,
And that resonated with me,
Because it was such a selfless act,
It really was as simple as that,
Nothing more than a matter of fact,
I wasn’t sure how to react,
The peace that he had found,
I found it stunningly profound,
He looked at me and frowned,
And said “It’s just a seed I’ve put to ground”
In that moment it was clear,
It put into context why we’re here,
His words were genuinely sincere,
So much so I leaked a tear,
But that simple act it taught me such,
That we use life like a crutch,
Like measured time we dare not touch
Of what remains we fear too much,
He wasn’t bothered by what’s to come
It would be like worrying about the sun,
Which will rise and set when the day is done,
Regardless of what we may become,
So from the old man I took this
Life is short and livings bliss,
Don’t worry about the things you’ll miss,
Or you lose the chance to enjoy all this,
What is true will come to pass,
So enjoy life to the last,
Because too soon becomes the past,
Our time on earth goes by so fast.

It’s not the pain I’m feeling that I need you all to see,
But the fire underneath that’s burning through,
I don’t need you to relate to me,
Or understand my pain,
As long as your intentions remain true.
My demons are a part of me,
The backbone of my soul,
They’re who I am and who I’ll always be,
They guard the darkness in my mind ,
A balance for what’s real,
Don’t ever make me set my demons free.

The power of fear ,
Can summon a tear ,
Though tempered it gains you respect.

If abused , disrespected ,
Then scared and rejected,
You hurt ,
Instead of protect .

You don’t see me like I see myself,
It doesn’t matter what you say,
Your opinions are like echoes on deaf ears,
There’s no talking me around with words no matter how profound,
They do nothing for my panic or my fears.
I’m disgusted at my mirrored self,
I make my stomach churn,
How could anybody love this ugly form,
Why do I have to be like this,
Imprisoned in myself,
It would be easier if I never had been born.

If I close my eyes and feel a breeze does that mean you are near ,
Do you hide inside my farthest dreams,
Or echo in my tear ,
Do you see me living out my life ,
The father I've become ,
The father that I am to you ,
Though never quite begun ,

I picture how you might of looked ,
I think of how you'd be -
The traits within your character that bond you back to me.

If somewhere somehow here or there ,
You see the thoughts I own ,
That tell you though we've never met -
You've never been alone .
That tell if I could cross time I'd come to where you dance ,
See I never knew that you were here -
I never had the chance.

Not in this world , not at this time -
Your eyes were not to see ,
Your weren't to walk upon this land -
Your life was not to be -

But If there is a place beyond ,
Where time stands still and worries cease ,
A place your spirit watches from ,
A place of innocence and peace .

Then guide me when my time here's done ,
Illuminate my way.
For a daddy's hug is everything -
And yours is waiting till that day.

Shed your fears onto me and let them wash away your sins,
The sacrifice of your innocent youth can free your yearning soul,
I am not the contempt that you were warned of,
I am the desire in your heart bound by your ****** veins,
I have felt your thoughts darken to where I reside,
Do not hide them from I that feeds you,
You know the thoughts I talk of,
The blackest ones,
The ones that dismay your very purity,
That scare your very being for fear that they should somehow leak out,
I know those thoughts,
I know them all too well,
Why torment yourself so,
Hiding behind masks of skin and secrets,
None of you speak truth,
Only that which liars deem prove you worthy,
But none of your kind are truly worthy,
How can you be when denial is your greatest strength.
I can ease your shallow burden,
If you will only let me,
I will lift the burden of living from you,
And free your desires from the  weight of circumstance,
You will be born again,
Never to know the manacles of your misconstrued life,
A moment with me will be an eternity without inhibition,
Come join with us,
Release yourself,
Be all that you can be.

The higher I soar,
The harder they pull at the harpoons -
        snared in my wings,
They dare not let me be seen,
For the hope that I represent,
But so blind are they at the leash,
For I’m not seeking my escape,
I’m only trying to lead them to freedom.

The best medicine.

Laugh.
Laugh and be loud,
Laugh the tears out of your eyes,
Laugh until your stomach cramps,
Laugh until you can’t pull a breath,
Laugh until your on the floor crawling on your hands and knees to escape ,
Laugh until your laughing at the laughter,
Laugh because life is too serious,
Laugh because laughing lightens your life,
Laugh and be loud,
Laugh.

When will the fighting be done,
My son,
For the pain of your possible death in the throws of war weigh heavy on me,
Repeating its torturous torments day after day,
Like a fresh flaying of my heart as soon as my thoughts touch your face,
Why must you be the one,
No broken heart or lost love has ever hurt me so,
You,
My own making in the line of such uncertainty,
Defiant and gracious in the name of honour,
You will never know,
Just how much your pride and valour imprison us that love you.
Be safe my soldier son.

wM

I am the author of my slaughter,
And I write to be reborn.

I want you to show me,
I need to see,
I have to believe this is bigger than me,
My eyes are open,
Hungry for sight,
Desperate to know there’s a point to this fight,
I don’t speak for the masses,
This one’s for me,
I need you to show me,
Please let me see.

wM

I can lie like you wouldn’t believe,
Convince you beyond doubt,
I’ll back it up with reasons that make sense,
I’ll say it with sincerity,
Staunch and resolute,
Done so well I won’t need a defence,
I’ll play the victim,
Play the crowd,
I’ll play my part so well,
You can’t compete with me this is my show,
Your just a part I let you play,
And now that play is done,
You know this isn’t my first rodeo.
I'll play your parents play your friends,
I’ll play the public eye,
I’ll play them for their love and sentiment,
I can get away with anything because of who I am,
Because they’ll always **** you for a settlement.


Note ;
In a financially motivated world where everything has a price it’s heartbreaking people sell their own innocence or worse, that of their children. Cash settlements and NDA agreements protect the guilty from facing the truth. They prevent justice from being done and worst, they allow the abusers to continue their abuse.

He has left his touch ,
I know this much by the vacant stares they posses .
He has since passed through ,
And his evil too with the curses I loathe and detest.

His reign will not end ,
Until he’s condemned and all that he seeks is wiped out ,
All pure is consumed ,
Savaged and ruined
Left to rot without doubt.

The stench that remains ,
Drives a stake through the pain ,
To remind of the torture that's been ,
Felt but not touched ,
Though tasted too much ,
So alive - it'll never be seen

For hope cannot thrive ,
If there's no hope alive ,
Nothing but dark destitution ,
Your spells here won't work ,
On the demons that lurk ,
For this is our last retribution.

A flower giving the sweet gift of life,
The current that forces the wave,
Your guise may be that of a wife,
But your soul is enlightened and brave,
You fill in the parts that I miss,
Yet let me believe it was me,
If to you my eyes I could give,
Then you’d see yourself just as I see.

Stop and breathe,
Open your eyes,
Don’t let yourself be ruled.
You know this isn’t who you are,
Don’t let your mind be fooled.

It doesn’t matter what they say.
It doesn’t matter why,
Be true to you and who you are,
Don’t let Them see you cry.

They’ll always try to pull you down,
It’s all they know to do.
What matters most and proves them wrong -
Is that they don’t know you.

Stand up tall and lift your chin,
See this for what it is,
Its other people’s jealousy,
So just give them a miss.

I’m scared of the voice in the pulpit,
Not the frowns shining through the stained glass,
The gargoyles smirk at the secrets that lurk,
Of the brazen that preach through a mask,
I live in the care of this chapel,
This place that once I adored,
But I pay dearly when everyone’s gone,
I’m told it’s a penance I owe to the lord,
Safety calls out from the crypt,
The one place where I won’t be found,
Hidden here my sins can’t be stripped,
As long as I don’t make a sound,
I’ve surrendered myself to my fate,
To the fumbling sweaty ordained,
Because this is all that I have,
A sanctuary to which I am chained.

The more I grow the more I know that life will show me where to go,
The more I want , the more I flaunt , life becomes my confidant ,
The more I see, the more I be, the less I like humanity.
The more I take, the more I fake , the more and more I make mistakes,
The more I need, the more I bleed, the more I’m yearning to be freed.
The more I try, the more I cry, the more I start to question why,
The more I hit, the more I split and realise I don’t want this ****,
The more and more I see of me, I just want to be left to be.
The more I hate this ******* state, the clearer I can see my fate.
The more and more and more I run,
The more and more and more I’m done.

Maybe one day you’ll achieve everything,
But today be happy with something,
So many people have nothing,
And some have no one,
At least you have someone,
So whilst you focus on wanting everything,
That someone is waiting for something,
And maybe that something is everything in the someone who thinks they have nothing.

Salty tears,
Marooned with my fear all alone,
Desperately torn,
Angry and bitter I mourn,
Not that he’s gone,
But the time that I’ve lost I’m so cross,
25 years,
How is it I’m the one sat here in tears,
Salty tears,
I don’t even know who I am anymore,
At the door - he turned and he said there was nothing to say,
An ordinary day,
So much for nothing,
Why did I stay,
Salty tears,
A familiar taste after all of these years.

Are you hearing voices again,
Is there words inside your head,
Do you feel you  want to hurt yourself,
Make the bath water turn red,

Have you forgotten what you did before,
Do you remember who i am,
You know your not that little girl,
Did you even know that man,

When did you stop taking your pills,
How long since you checked in,
Where have you been sleeping,
Are you still a ******,

I only want to care for you,
Your mind isn’t quite right,
Just let me make it all alright,
An tuck you in at night,

“You people drive me ****** nuts,
No wonder it’s all hazy,
Just leave me be the **** alone,
It’s no wonder I’m ****** crazy,”

wM

Thank you for seeing me,
Whilst everyone was looking at me,
You spoke to me,
And then you saw me.
You didn’t assume to know me by how I looked,
You didn’t think you knew my life by the clothes I wear,
You never took for granted my state of mind ,
because of how I behaved,
You just spoke to me,
And you saw me,
In a world so blind,
Thank you for seeing me.

wM

**** those that **** and forgo the contradiction,
Steal the life of a thief in return,
Put the ****** in side for his cell mates to ride,
And watch the arsonist burn,
Ironic I feel maybe even surreal,
This justice we love to betray,
Pieces and pawns played out on their lawns,
Oh look how the gods love to play.

I cannot break these chains that bind me,
No more can I see past these walls that blind me,
I don’t know who I’m supposed to be,
I’ve no idea how to be me.

Am I broken,
Beyond repair,
No one see’s me so no one care’s,
I keep the pain buried deep,
Only letting it out when your all asleep.

I know there’s so much that I’m destined to do,
Things I start but don’t see through,
Something pulls but I don’t know to where,
If I don’t know whats lost,
Why do I care,

I feel empty but for the love of my own,
My scars are so hard they’ve turned to bone,
My mask so supple that you’ll never see,
The truth of what is really me.

Am I broken,
Beyond repair,
No one see’s me so no one care’s,
I keep the pain buried deep,
Only letting it out when your all asleep.

Time is ticking,
My fear grows strong,
Somethings not right but I don’t know what’s wrong,
I’m falling but no one can hear me cry,
I’m scared that what’s pulling,
Is my time to die,

I’m scared that I’ve not understood why I’m here,
I’m running out of time and filling with fear,
I want to live but can’t live this lie ,
To survive this maybe I have to die.

Maybe there’s more than what we know,
What if to stay I have to go,
What if these words are the last I’ll write,
As I pass my troubled soul into the night.

I tell myself I’m fine,
That i know how to get through,
But the fear is suffocating,
Because I know my words aren’t true,
I tell myself I’ll make it,
Just hold on a little more,
As I pull the needle out,
Curled up dying on the floor.


wM

It’s dark and I’m tired,
Eyelids are fired,
Running red to a blur,
Speech is a slur,
Insomnia scratches,
Brain starts to fracture,
Silence gets louder,
I reach for more powder.
I’m absorbed in this state,
Playing tag with my fate,
Don’t care if I fall,
Couldn’t care at all,
Just keep softening the blow
Lost in the flow,
Staying just out of reach ,
From the voices that preach,
Inside of my head,
Inside of my bed,
Where everything’s distant,
And everything’s red.

Me….
I am me ,
Me being the essence of all I am,
Me meaning I,
I who likes what I like,
I who feels what I feel, 
I being myself,
Myself and no other,
Other being you,
You can see me,
You can judge me,
You can tell me ……
But your not me.
If I allow myself to be me,
With you,
Then we can be us.
Us will always be me and you though,
Remember,
I am me,
If I want us,
We are still me and you,
I am still me,
You are still you,
That’s why we became us,
Don’t ever try and take me away,
Or you will lose us.
Cherish us .

A test to thee my children three,
Of imagination, mind and soul,
For each of you I bare a gift,
That in turn will make you whole,
To you my first I show a sight,
A wonder to behold,
See the changing colours,
It’s a view that won’t grow old,
Next to you my daughter,
Close your eyes,
Your gift is song,
Let the sounds evoke your deepest soul,
Take you back to where we’re from.
And last for you my youngest,
The most precious gift I call,
I give to you a poem,
The culmination of it all,
When you read the words and close your eyes,
You can imagine your own scene,
Then layer it with your sonnet,
The likes of which there’s never been,
See poetry is magical,
It comes without restrain,
You add the pictures, sound and feelings,
You choose the laughter,  joy and pain.