Wandering ghost
Cellophane happiness
Anxious bites and nibbles
Of exhausted duress

Spinning in spirals
Cartwheels up hills
Reality nipping
At worn cardboard heels

Hilarious funerals
Darkness glows to a tint
Poverty clown shoes
Without spending a cent

Reek of the stains
Splintered in the veins
There ain't no brakes
On this backwards train

Feed the deluge
With experience and growth
Caged in a carcass
Wandering ghost

He plays his games
On playstation and phone
In the morning he is sober
But not in the afternoon

The illusion of him
Is so engrained
It must be love
I must be insane

Tonight, he walked away
With nothing to say
He just sent me a text
To advise

I thought he was strong
Able, confident and coherent
But, he is as broken as the last man
And I have only just seen it

All my eggs are in this basket
I am too old to start again
He loves me, and treats me like no other
We are still figuring out this new life.

Where am I? What is this place?
All that I know with a new found face
A new freedom and opportunity
Why don't you play games on your phone?

These kids, strange and relative
I cannot be their mentor
I am too far gone
I am not their father

Many moving parts
Many broken hearts
This maybe the straw
That breaks the camels back

Doubt it.

Defensive mechanism
Still engaged
Perhaps it's just me
But, a soft escape without a word

Seems to work.

Be prepared.

That's what they taught me
In scouts.

Be prepared.

This beautiful catastrophe
Can be sorted
With preparation,
And accurate action.

Time is of the essence,
Not getting any younger,
For forty ******* years
I've been getting my **** together.

Just keep trying

Keep swimming

Accept the **** ups

Carry on.

As long as you try to try
I spose that's what matters,
All you need is love
And all of the above.

Oh, and be prepared.

Anything could ******* happen.

I saw her, for the first time
On the other side of the glass
Patiently, I sat crossed legged
To feel the first embrace

The touch of her skin
The feel of the kiss on her face
I waited there
Fireworks within

I held her close and tight
Her scent of strawberry and sweets
As she wrapped her arms around me
I felt as I was home and safe

Hometown pains and wonders
Photos of postcodes
The proudest chauffeur
Holding hands at 110

Admitting our faults
Our horrible histories
Our defects and additions
To our now naked bodies

Endless banter, factual and humour
Bouncing off of walls and eachother
Beers and ***** and pizza
We talked as if weve known eachother forever
Falling asleep naked
In the middle of the day
Eggs Benedict and pear cider
Come in, we're awesome

Hot tubs and expensive reds
Fruchocs, dark chocolate with mint
Dressed to the nines
Is where I made her mine

No TV, just music and squeezes
Sensual ******* passions
Climbed trees in the rain
Tested beds in showrooms
Spilled drinks and kicked over *** plants
Sang songs of our playlist
And her kiss
Was that of an angel I once knew

I will not defer
It is all for her
I will cherish this twin flame
Under the same star
No matter how far away we are.

I have never had a memory so pure
So I am sure
That she is mine
And I am hers

X

I was there first
So I get the room with the ensuite.

Dave soon moves in
1 of the other 3 rooms
He is clean, he is loud
We find a common ground.

He does the same job I do
But he's coordinating the civil crew
He drinks his Jameson neat
He is a broken man, finding his feet.

Youngy, the concreter moves in
He is simple, and pure and giving
He often tends to the garden
Straight after work, with a pint.

We share a fridge
He likes lego, and toys and things
The rubber egg trick
Will forever be in my memory.

The young lad Shannon, takes the last room,
A chippy, who knows his ****,
And he tells us this
And doesn't shut up.

A sweet kid, slightly annoying
He knows it all, so,
We changed his name to Google,
You can't choose your nickname.

We all work for the same company
Dave wakes up at dawns crack
Google showers at night
Youngy is always home first.

Dave cooks every night
Google meal preps and microwaves
Me and Youngy... well...
We get by.

All of us away from family
12 to 14 hour days
We are at work
More than we are at home.

All from different worlds,
We make it work
Google moves out next week,
Due to upsetting the herd.

We are here for the money
We are here for our family
Dealing with our own ****
And sharing it occasionally.

I wish them success,
As I know this is temporary
All the best
To Dave and Google and Youngy.

The end game is on its way
Routine chores are here to stay
Every day is every other day
Work and bills, too old to play.

Every penny has its purpose
Discussions deep on every purchase
No need for surplus
Within the adult circus.

Grey hairs coloured brown
Every ache now makes a sound
Playlists come back around
Swim to retirement or drown.

Birthdays, Christmas every second week
Facebook posts so we don't have to speak
Floorboards and bones have the same creak
Eat, ****, drink, work, **** and sleep.

Soon enough, we can retire and die
Tears will well and children will cry
Photos kept will fade as time goes by
Front bar of the afterlife, drop in and say Hi.

Juggle the wants and needs
In a spotlight for all to see
Laughing and pointing
From the grandstand at me
Applauding and hissing
An extra in your movie
Just passing through
Nothing to see here
The blood is just tomato sauce
The tears are only rain
The scars are all clay and make up
The mask hides all the pain
I only feel the bad
The angst, anger, fear and hate
Desensitised to love and adoration
From the world I chose to create
When we talk
You're not talking to me
I am shell of who I used to be
A husk of a human entity
It has all gone amiss
I cannot juggle anymore
Exhausted and ready for hospice
This jester, in the spotlight, on the floor.

From everyday, endless and boundless,
To nothing.

I chose this.

It kills me,
To be unable to love
Her.

I wait, for a sign
But, she has so much respect
And so do I.

I want to reconnect
But the flame will reignite
And we will get burnt.

Maybe, it's not our time
Maybe, our time is to come
Maybe we missed our chance.

Maybe, it was my big fat stupid fault.

Trapped by my own decisions
To do the "right" thing
I will break every heart I love
If I manifest this.

I am unsure
What hurts more
The fact I can't love her
Or the silence.

I chose this.

Nerves rattle
Like an old fridge
Shudder and spasm
**** water from beneathe.

Concentration evades
Yet I am see-through
Crumpled cellophane
In a ****** church window.

You know all of me
Better than I.

All these edges
Cigs, ****, ****, love
I have become
A square.

Every vice
Is crushing my soul.

Tensions build
Erupt on the inside
I crush up my fists
Like paper cups.

Conclusion a distant illusion
Salted with confusion
I asked for well done
Only ever get blue

It must get worse
Before it gets beautiful.

She talks a lot
And sometimes, not at all
She is always tired
But finds it hard to sleep
She has the weight of the world
On her little shoulders
And scars from decisions
She made in her youth.

She has a torrid past
Vague and complicated
Scared of going out alone
Because the world is a scary place
She has been used
She has been abused
Broken, distorted
And treated as a fool.

This dark haired fragile angel
Is my world
Her strength gives me strength
And I give her mine
We have allowed eachother
To finally exhale
After so many years
Of holding our breath.

She is not perfect
But, to me, she is
She makes me feel again
Like art should.

When ever you're ready
Im ready.

We'll figure it out
We'll make it work.

This tangled web
Has become knotted
Uncomfortable and confusing
But, it is ours.

I've got something
To tell you
You may embrace
You may repel.

I can't contain
This emotion within
I will decide that tact
Is not required.

Open book
**** the consequences
As you will only feel them
If you choose to.

I'm gonna marry her
You're gonna have a step Mum
There is this new family
That is keen to meet you.

You don't have to choose
You can have both
And why wouldn't you decide
Both sides?

When ever you're ready
I'm ready.

This spare room
Is yours.

One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand.

Dad comes home and cooks our tea
Still in his work clothes
He stinks of effort
Cigarettes and beer

He doesn't kiss Mum anymore
He doesn't eat with us anymore
He does the dishes
And he sings to himself

Then he just disappears
Out to his shed
We see him, from the house
Sitting and smoking and drinking.

I hear them from here
The arguments and the laughter
The conversation and cursing
I hear them from here

This poor loveless man
Perched alone in his shed
Fighting demons on his own
Fighting demons in his head.

We say goodnight from the back door
We just yell it out
He screams back that he loves us
And to sleep well

He doesn't know of our problems
He doesn't care for our pain
He is the ghost that covers all the bills
He is a broken man, my Dad.

I wish I had the strength
To be what they require
But, the love is gone
And so have I.

One day you'll understand
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am.

3 kids and a dog
20 years of pleasure and pain
I look up from my hole
Which took 20 years to excavate
Happiness is fleeting
Demons I've been feeding
Have gorged on the pains
A banquet of self hate.

I apologize for the lack of love
For the self isolation
For the dishonesty
And no communication
It doesn't matter now
I can't un-say what I've said
Nor undo what I've done
This love is dead

She allows me to stay
To sleep on the couch
To be a ghost of a man
Still visible
I hunt for a house
A place just to sleep
3 kids and a dog
Just a fading memory.

We drive down the hill
I drop them off home
I drive up the hill
On my own

On the way up
The sadness creeps in
The lonely embrace
The kiss of depression

Silent sighs
Deep breaths
The weight of it all
On my chest

I am not doing my best
I am failing

The very thought of trying
Drains me

I pull in the drive
Shut the gates
Pour a drink
Sit on my own with my mates

Only a fortnight
Til I see them again
Til I can drive down the hill
Again.

20 years fade away
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

Take a larger slice
I can handle it.

Shake the bottle
Breathe deeper
Get brave
Just to feel something.

Yesterday catches up to today
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

The pain was temporary
Until it stayed
Until it took a slice
Of the cake I made.

Sometimes, I feel it's not working
I run made-up scenarios in my head
Like, something is wrong
Because of what I did or what I said.

I obsess about where she is
If she's OK and if she's thinking about me
Why she hasn't responded yet
I try to keep it all together.

An insecurity I've never had
An ego issue perhaps
I know she's OK, I know she loves me
But these voices inside still persist.

When I see her it's golden
Nothing could ever go wrong
I don't do alone as well as I used to
I just sit, and stare on my lonesome.

Everything has changed
Maybe it's me
I'll give it some time and we'll see
If I **** this up.

Hanging by a tendon.
Feelings have teeth,
Isolate the soul,
To feel... something.
No reasoning,
Irate simply because.
Prickles behind shallow eyes...
Something is wrong.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

May have been here before,
The same feelings of angst,
Familiar internal screams,
Writhing and twisted within.
Tense, blank, and fickle,
Lost in a world under skin,
Greying out the love,
To feel... something.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

Alien home,
Out of place,
Skin doesn't fit,
Like once hoped.
Unsure how to continue,
The mask is back on,
Deep breaths,
Just get some sleep.

Just need a minute
To dream.

I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.

Lately
I've had a lot going on
In my head

Self created self hatred
Self doubt mystery complications
Being an absolute fool
While she's been on nightshift

Left to my own devices
Self destruction ensues
Create scenarios in my stupid head
Unworthy, idiotic male
Everything to date has been a fail
So why not this, why not now?
Grow up boy.

Flick and click my fingers
Uneasy in my skin
For reasons silly and immature
Stories I create and twist and spin.

Wake up.

Shut down your ego
Slow your train of thought
Calm and moderate your habits
They are the devils playthings.

You're not thinking straight.

Idiot.

Curl up in a cold room
But, you have control
Sleep in a shiver ball
Fool.

If you had the time
I could explain
But, I'd get sidetracked
And I wouldn't get my point across.

What I want to say
What I think
What I feel
And what I say
Is a poor ratio.

I can't say I won't be this way in the future
As I am a mere male
But... I will try.

Without this understanding woman
Her beautiful particularities
And knowing full well
She married an idiot

I would be a terrible mess
Of paranoia and stress
Unable to apologise
Stupid righteous ego.

She was right
I was mistaken
Without any particular scenario
As it was all a dream.

Sorry,
Not sorry.

Been swimmin in gutters
Finding the darkest corners
To crawl toward

In the silence
The screams are louder
And the breaths
Seem deeper

Reaching out
To pedestrians
Watching the different colour socks
Walk past

Not dead
Just dying
Drownin
In gutters

The silence
Is unerring.

TV on
Just for the noise.

Check my phone
To see if I missed anything.

I can hear myself
Blink.

Hours crawl by
Hours smell the roses
Grind into a day of lethargy
To create a null memory.

Another day
That is all.

Soak in the serenity
Of nothing at all.

The silence
Is exhilarating.

Disconnect.

Doom scroll
Netflix
Stare into the abyss.

I miss
The excitement of her kiss
Her embrace
Her smiling face.

The algorithm is false
Only causing distress
Only causing
Disconnect.

The silence gets louder
The more I listen
I cannot switch off
I cannot learn.

Suicidal
Just keep it to yourself
Don't make them worry
They have their own concerns.

My brain doesn't work anymore
Just exists
In a pool of its own secretion
Vinegar and ****.

Try to numb the nothingness
With alcohol and togetherness
But it just starts the fire again
I want to disappear.

Cannot find the pain
To entice the tears to make it seem
Like I am on this edge
Desensitised to it all.

Never tired but always fatigued
Sleeping sound with dreams abound...

There is something terribly wrong
Loneliness screams it's off tune song.

I want to forget
All this ******* in my head
I want to control
How I feel about it all.

I want
To disconnect.

Besotted, disgruntled
Unable to calm.
Keep the skin ******
Do no self harm.

Take a breath, two if you must
In the process, you have to trust
Ignore the fiends
Forget the lust.

Stop the mind train
And brain thoroughfare
You're doing OK
As if you care.

You've gone too far
To let it all slip
Just give it a minute
Feelings will flip.

You'll be happy again in no time.

We found eachother when we were 10
She became my sweetest friend
I always moved house and so did she
Then we moved again and again

We lost touch, she became a memory
Fading away to the back of my mind
I was in mining, she was a carer
But really, I knew nothing of her.

She made a family, as did I
Children to tend to, money to make
Living our lives, doing our thing
Separate worlds, never to entwine.

Then, things went to ****
In her world and mine.

I soon turned 40, I was online
A message recieved, it was her
To say Happy Birthday
And wish me all the best.

I couldn't resist.

I replied, with joy, excitement and humour
I couldn't believe I was conversing with her
Sentences spilled onto my phone
Back and forth, day in, day out.

Weeks passed this way, until the day
We decided to meet once again
Already awe struck, intent was assured
Coals, turned embers turned raging inferno.

A repoir like no other I have ever felt
Soon became an addiction
I had to be with her, she was all I wanted
And she felt the same, she felt the same.

So, she moved from what she knew
Her children close behind
To the middle of nowhere, just for me
I was in mining, she was a carer.

We married, hopelessly in love
Our families accepted our bond
3 years later, I can't wait to see her
Everyday, after work.

Coffee and conversation
Good mornings and endless affection
Support and admiration
I was in mining, now she's in mining.

Any alteration to scenarios before we met
Could have changed the result
But, life has a way, as does love
Any other life would be an insult.

Happiness is a choice
And I choose her
Every day, for the rest of my life
I choose my wife.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

May it all fall in your lap
With minimal effort,
And desired results.

May you sleep sound with a clear conscience.

Undisturbed, at peace with your past.
May your trauma be slight and easily managed, making your life exciting and full of love.

I wish you this, as I battle against icy winds, adorned in old blankets, weeks unwashed.
Addictions unbreakable as the ignorance is bliss, social interactions often threatening and violent, lips blistered and skin weathered, all my belonging together in a shopping cart I stole last week. A hot meal is just a dream, but when achieved, is enjoyed in the shadows of the city, often eaten with my buckled, white knuckle hands. I don't ask for money anymore, as the colour has drained from my eyes and hair, and the strangers don't care, they are always in a rush somewhere, with everything but nothing to spare. When I die, noone will be notified, noone will cry, I will be simply a gross memory for a medic, having to drag my corpse from wherever I am, reeking of misery, loneliness and feces.

I wish you all the best.

As a husk
As my heart
Is elsewhere
I swear

As a ghost
As my flesh
Is elsewhere
I swear

Existing
Hardly here
And it will hurt
When I disappear

As a husk
As a ghost.

Red light.

Breathe broken breaths
Clench tighter than before
Blink twice, just to hold back
Nuisance tears.

Disconnect eye contact
Take the deep breath slowly
To deter detection
Of the emptiness within.

Missed calls
Unanswered texts
Notifications mount
Too much for the weak angels.

Responsibility wolves
Gnashing their jowls
Drooling their expectation
Dog food breath on the back of neck.

Tiny frame tightening
Plastic teeth clenched
Eyes, now as bitter slits
Crumpled paper expression...

Green light,

Foot down.

Sundee
Lazy arv
Everything
In its right place

Make the time
To help future me
Do it now
Later is too late

Keep moving
Organise small futures
Tiny goals
Baby fireworks wins

Pub for dinner
Alone.

Take the time
To get dressed up
To smell delectable
Even though I'm on my own.

Be nice
Smile and listen
Retort in my own way
To incite thought and emotion.

Eat my *******
In the dining room
With families and friends
On my own, table 46.

Cheers, hoo roo.

Take the bins out
Calm the lounge fire
Prep work clothes for tomorrow
Curl up in the silence.

Lazy eve
Sundee.

I used to be ten
I had my first kiss then
Then I blinked
And I was forty.

I remembered her
But we drifted away
She remembered me
From so far away.

We lived our own lives
Trauma, pain and angst
Breaking and rebuilding
Finding our way.

We fell in love with others
We started our own families
But somewhere, out there
She still breathed and thought of me.

As fate would have it
I kissed her again
Sometime in July.

As destiny would have it
I loved her again
Sometime in August.

As my choices would have it
A decision is made
In my hearts mind
I'm hers, she's mine.

It's breaking
It's broken
Anxiety
Awoken
Internal pains
Unspoken.

Sky at my feet
Head in the sand
Nothing sufficient
Close by or on hand.

It's broken
It's shattered
All I've loved
Never mattered
Cruel
Hindsight.

Time may heal
But present burns
Tomorrow unforeseen
Splintered tables turn.

It's broken
It's on fire
My love, my passion
My drive and desire.

This poor heart
Will never know
The riches gone begging.

This will not be easy
This will not be straight forward
This will be fickle and anxious
This will test both of us.

Experience with me, if you will
Delicate love and violent lust
Coordinate life with me
Bills and dishes and responsibilities.

Work for the majority
We will not see eachother
Use all the platforms
In hope the other will respond.

Days off spent reigniting
How was your week, how was mine
Locking in our past adoration
I love you, I married you, this is fine.

It is a battle, a war, a love genocide
Which we, in arms, fight side by side
For the future of love, of our love
Which no one may coincide.

We will tenaciously ignore
All attempts, all temptations
That this silly world offers
As they offer only hollow endings.

Internal struggles will test
The repoir we have manifested
Purity of heart and filth of mind
No ******* where we have nested.

It is glorious, indifferent to all else
None may dim our lustre
"Forevermore" is not just a word
It is an infallible statement we honour.

We shall grow old and weary
We'll get gross and grey and lose elasticity
But, we'll do it together
And we shall love one another dearly.

It took 40 years to find her
Don't forget, this won't be easy
But, I solemnly swear, on my heart,soul and receding hair
That I will love her until I am dead.

They work differently than we
Their indifference bores me.

I'm on my own,
All the time.

What have I done?

I don't get replies
She's too busy
And when she replies
She doesn't get it...

I feel this way.

I didn't think this would be the way
It would be
When I said
I do.

No fine print to read
These kids, so fukn clingy
Tough as a pensioners ****
They're **** all.

Got myself loose
On my own
Cos she was working
Cos that's her poison.

She'd rather do extras
And assist her crew
Than help us evolve
Me and her and them.

I watch her, and I don't know why
But I have a degree of mistrust
Maybe it's her, maybe it's them
Maybe it's me.

Heavy hate in my heart
Sleep will be difficult
But, I will try
On an empty mattress.

I predict she'll never read this.

In my stomach, something churns
I feel it, wanting to evolve
A pressure, a nerve
A pain I need to resolve.
Something amiss
As I half clench a fist
And I wish
For this angst to cease and dismiss.

I try to keep it to myself
But I can't keep a secret
I feel I must be patient
And it will go away.
Just forget
The sleepless nights
Just forget
The petty fights.

Just apologise
Just look in her eyes
Just give her the space
She never wanted before.
Sit with your demons
Feed them their poison
Let them consume you
Allow their embrace.

She said "it's just weird"
So, I listened and switched off
All notifications
As she deserves her freedom.
Perhaps I don't understand
Perhaps she couldn't explain
Perhaps I have to find a middle ground
Where we can reunite again.

Give it time.

The highs.

Hold your breath exhilaration
Glowing from over stimulation
Internally explode from joy
Outside old man, inside little boy.

The caress to calm all insecurity
A touch to tame the mad beast
Nothing can ever go wrong again
Confidence and ability a friend.

The lows.

Run from it all, hide away
Deep breaths to keep the demons at bay
No one understands, how can they
When explanations only decay.

Fantasise self harm
Dream of dying in the desert
Alone with friends and lover
**** me before I feel it all over.

Every emotion is felt in extreme
Unable to regulate the in-between
Cannot control the high or the low
It is killing me and nobody knows.

Silence outside
Chaos within
Crisis of self
Emotional intelligence mute.

Ghosts walk by without word
Loneliness engulfs
Breaking my own heart
On my own.

She breaks too
Selfishly lick my own wounds
I don't want to die
But feel I may soon.

Hallway smiles
Deep issues denied
We fall silent, waiting for the other
To be recognised.

I walk out to the desert
To recollect and exhale
As this pain I contain
Should not be shared.

When I break, she breaks
As I am all she has
And she is all I need
Yet, I continue to bleed.

I have done nothing
And I'm all out of ideas
So I mask my pains with quick jokes
And a hundred beers.

Dying on the inside
With no way to explain
With no way to obtain
The happiness I once had.

Trying to learn in the moment
When I have already broken
I see her in pieces
But nothing is spoken.

Silly boy
Making jokes
Making faces
Making them laugh at your expense.

Now look at you...

Overly sensitive
Overly attached
Easily broken
Ridiculously outspoken.

Lost in a dream
Self made scenarios
Killing yourself
With laughter.

You launched to a height
And plateaued
Unhappy with what you have
Unhappy with who you are.

Do them a favour
And shut up
Do them a favour
Just leave.

Silly man child
Dressed up like a clown
Fill a room with your tears
And drown.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.

I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

You look at me
With eyes of pixie
Through a reflective phone
Made of glass,
Through filters and text
We have planned what comes next
Invites, meal preparation
Rings and dress.

Everything online
Due to the pandemic
Living separate lives
Just dealing with it,
We are not prepared
For the unforeseeable
But who is?
Just gimme a kiss.

Shotgun hope
This is our last chance
To find happiness
Amongst our torrid past,
My children may sigh
At the decisions that I
Make without their input
It is what it is.

I will leave my door open
To discuss current matters
I will keep your heart in mind
To ensure none shatters,
It is not my intent
To break your heart
But, to repair mine
A tad selfish, I know.

The dust will settle
And we will all find our place
I will show you through time
This is not a mistake,
To who you are now
To where you came from
I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

I'm 4/3
But I'm away every fortnight.
She's 7/7
But she usually does extras.

4 days on, 3 days off.
7 days on, 7 days off, 7 nights on, 7 days off.

When she's on days
We get about 3 to 4 hours together
When she's on nights
We "hot bed".

I awake and go to work,
She gets home and goes to bed.
The bed is still warm...
But I still jump into a cold bed.

We have 3 full days together
When I'm on break
The first day and a half
Is spent catching up on sleep and ***.

I miss her horribly
And she misses me
Maybe that's why we refer to the wife
As the "missus".

I am struggling to develop
I am struggling to evolve
I just eat pizza and drink beer
And stare at my phone.

I'm definitely missing something
The "on ramp" to an identity
For some reason, she still loves me
But, I hate me.

I am sweet, I am kind
In bed, **** gets wild
I am hard working
As is she; maybe it's me.

This is why I write...

To get the **** out....

To make it real, to fukn feel...

Something.

To reflect on where I'm at
It's not for you to read
This is for me
We'll probably never meet.

I have exhaled,
Accepting my situation,
And it's not too bad,
Apologies for wasting your time.

As you were.

Left to my own devices
I try to eat at suitable times
Try to keep up the routine
But idle hands are the devils plaything.

Stay busy, talk to people
Socialise to stave off the sadness
But, these people don't know me
And I'm tired of explaining.

The house is clean enough
Footy on in the background
Just for the noise
Just for the sound.

7 or so beers later
I just walk into the desert
No rhyme or reason
Just to move and do something.

I return home, nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
So I sit, and I stare
At the top of my empty beer.

She'll be home in 3 sleeps
I could be dead by then
Funny, how dependant I am on her existence
I miss my wife, my best friend.

When she's gone, I'm so lost
Wandering around doing nothing
No drive, I just don't feel alive
No identifiable characteristics.

I should probably eat.

Embarrassed and poor
Asleep on the floor
Greed and demons
Just wanting more,
An ancient enemy
Again becomes friend
Taking the money
I don't want to spend,
Clouded by past
Time removes truth
As no one can remember
What I had to lose,
Well, I lost it all
As I couldn't fight
As I am so weak
And they are a Titan,
It started so pure
Just a button to touch
And the colourful songs
We danced and such,
But the bets went up
And the ante increased
No such luck
To the poor and deceased.
The tiny victories
Kept us fed
Surely our luck
Would outweigh the odds,
As we pressed on
So close to the win
The demons around me
Become within,
Swallowed by guilt
Self blame and self hate
This life I once loved
Became sedate.

Hold my hand
Hold it tight
Even if I twist and stir
Through the night.

I should be alright.

Question my intent
Not what I meant
I should've said
What wasn't in my head.

I think I'm alright.

Distance myself
For no reason
Ball into uncomfort
Maybe from envy.

I'm not alright.

I can't undo what I've done,
I can't go back,
This may all be a terrible mistake.

Created a new world,
While the other world rots,
I am my father's son,
And I hate that man.

So what? Just up and leave?
No, I cannot,
Push through the heartache,
Until it dissolves.

Moody *****,
Keep it to yourself,
This is what a man does,
This is how I have been trained.

I chose this,
Without knowing how it would be,
And now that I know how it is,
I am unsure that this is what I want.

I miss my kids, they miss me,
I told them I'd never ghost them,
The last promise, before I disappeared,
Only to reappear every 2 weeks.

I'm... a bit... stuck,
Trying to give a ****,
Trying to make a decision,
Trying to stay in love.

Our struggles make us who we are
The blatent cracks in our armour,
The pain we breathe on our own
Must be exhaled with eachother.

Accepting flaws is human
No one owns perfection,
Take a breath, take some time
And come back when you're ready.

It's ok to be wrong
It's ok to feel out of sorts,
Control your reactions
Control your thoughts.

The answers are there
If you choose to seek,
Share your pain with those you love
Cry, eat and sleep.

Sick in the stomach
The demons are twisting, entwining
Gnashing and grinding
Clawing at my weaknesses.

Screaming inside me
Bellows from beneath the skin
Thriving on my insecurities
The demons, they feed endlessly.

I fall prey to their strength
Allow them to nest within me
As I sit alone...
Dreamless and pitiful.

**** it,

Let them feed.

Ready to go.

Bags packed,
The time is nigh,
Leave the phone
On charge, history deleted.

Wallet in the top drawer,
No note.

No rhyme or reason,
No destination,
My life expectancy
Is one.

Relieve the pressure,
On an amber sand dune,
Spill the angst,
Amber turns crimson.

Wait and reflect,
Fatigues embrace
Takes its icy hold,
Embed the husk, dead sand angel.

Pass on my condolences
To the family.

Ready to go.