Now
Is so different
So oblique
So new... still, after all this time .

Just realised
That I
Just realised.

Rich poor man
Still can...

Week to week
There is no weakness

Which bruises easily,
Has chalky bones

Calm chaos,
Welcome to
Door mat and exit light
Confuse, engulf, exhale.

If you lived in my mind
You'd be home by now.

Calm on the outside
Trembling within
Strength of a man
Heart of a child

Why didn't they teach me
About life in school
Why didn't they advise
It could be so cruel

Just grow up and realise
You're on your own
Fumbling with emotion
Swim or drown

They all seem in control
Like they have it all
While I smile and struggle
With no idea what to do

Life, may just be
Pay bills and die.

Today I am not ok.

The demons within
Are getting their way,

They gouge and claw
Scratch and score
Embrace and adore
My beautiful pain,
I hear their screams
From beneathe paper skin
I turn up the music
In an attempt to muffle them.

I stop my day
To renounce their rein
With this wee poem
In hope it will slay,
Vent their angst
Through dancing word
It is my only defence
Against the hate they incur.

This anguish in time
Silences at last
Until next time they grow strength
And run rampant within.

Today, I'll be ok.

Silent strength
Behind a smile
Struggling heart
Give it a while.

Half a heart
Around her neck
The other half
Around mine.

She will always
Be beautiful
In my dusty eyes.

Calm, hard to find
In a productive mind
She only stops
For my embrace.

She tries
With tears in her eyes
She is the only soul
I want by my side.

Ignoring little scenarios
That will one day explode
Into epic sagas

Calm in my cage
They can't get me
Time will heal all wounds
I'm hopefully sure

Break my own secret rules
Ignore consequence
At this moment in time
It made sense

I love you, but
*******.

Pieces of my puzzle
I cut to size
So they fit
To suit my mind

Create chances
Jump fences
Alter instructions
Open book inductions

Ignore epic sagas
That will one day explode
Into little scenarios

It is 5am
My alarm, as always chimes
The theme from Lion King
I reach over and down and swipe.

Reach over and kiss your brow
You are always awake
You advise that I have a good day
And from that moment, I do.

You tell me you love me
As I close the door ajar
Pack smoko and knock off sweetener
Be careful with the creaky screen door.

I go to work
I do my thing
I text and snap you
And you do the same.

Work does not matter
But, the money does
It helps fuel our future
So we can focus on us.

These family ties
These oddities and trials
Are a drop in the ocean
Of this beautiful life.

These pressures and perceived aches
Are beneath you
You're better than this
You just have to believe it.

My work day ends
But work is still to be done
Sort dinner, improvise
Give kisses and gaze into your sweet pixie eyes.

You get home later
I am a few beers deep
As per usual
You're used to it.

All the ****
But it's all good
Goodnight my love
I'll see you in the morn.

He plays his games
On playstation and phone
In the morning he is sober
But not in the afternoon

The illusion of him
Is so engrained
It must be love
I must be insane

Tonight, he walked away
With nothing to say
He just sent me a text
To advise

I thought he was strong
Able, confident and coherent
But, he is as broken as the last man
And I have only just seen it

All my eggs are in this basket
I am too old to start again
He loves me, and treats me like no other
We are still figuring out this new life.

Where am I? What is this place?
All that I know with a new found face
A new freedom and opportunity
Why don't you play games on your phone?

These kids, strange and relative
I cannot be their mentor
I am too far gone
I am not their father

Many moving parts
Many broken hearts
This maybe the straw
That breaks the camels back

Doubt it.

Defensive mechanism
Still engaged
Perhaps it's just me
But, a soft escape without a word

Seems to work.