We drive down the hill
I drop them off home
I drive up the hill
On my own

On the way up
The sadness creeps in
The lonely embrace
The kiss of depression

Silent sighs
Deep breaths
The weight of it all
On my chest

I am not doing my best
I am failing

The very thought of trying
Drains me

I pull in the drive
Shut the gates
Pour a drink
Sit on my own with my mates

Only a fortnight
Til I see them again
Til I can drive down the hill
Again.

I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

You look at me
With eyes of pixie
Through a reflective phone
Made of glass,
Through filters and text
We have planned what comes next
Invites, meal preparation
Rings and dress.

Everything online
Due to the pandemic
Living separate lives
Just dealing with it,
We are not prepared
For the unforeseeable
But who is?
Just gimme a kiss.

Shotgun hope
This is our last chance
To find happiness
Amongst our torrid past,
My children may sigh
At the decisions that I
Make without their input
It is what it is.

I will leave my door open
To discuss current matters
I will keep your heart in mind
To ensure none shatters,
It is not my intent
To break your heart
But, to repair mine
A tad selfish, I know.

The dust will settle
And we will all find our place
I will show you through time
This is not a mistake,
To who you are now
To where you came from
I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

Hope to nest, just to weave a web,
Outstretched digits
To memories 6foot in the head,
Caught in baby talons, rose thorns;

Ripped to shreds.

Hindsight too late,
Cherubs on shoulders mute,
Strategic management of emotion,
To be filed amongst John Doe.

All dollars and sense.

Loneliness fleeting,
Months trickle to days,
How does one cope,
Amongst the phase of the days layers?

Eat the elephant...
One
Day
At
A
Time.

I apologise
For the things I may say
For the lack of ***** I have
On the average day
I love you.

For the ******* I give
We're just trying to live
For the animosity you sieve
I can be an *******
But, I love you.

For the tension I bring
For that uncomfortable feeling
For that squirmish *******
I dont mean it

I will come back around
And smother you with rose petals
That I stole or I "found"
Just to to show you
I adore you

I will prove that you're wrong
Do a dance, sing a song
Gloat and be a *****
For no reason

Then I'll subside and regret
Letting my trigger finger sweat
When I see the angst
That I've caused you

I apologise in advance
For ripping off your pants
And dancing around
Like the fool I am

Just know it's not me
Just an intoxicated fool
Wavering my ego
Like a caveman

I'm a ****
I'm a tool

But, **** me,  I love you
And I'll show you I do,

Just bare with me.

I promise my love
Will never grow rust
This is stainless
Gimme ten years, and I'll show you.

Wandering ghost
Cellophane happiness
Anxious bites and nibbles
Of exhausted duress

Spinning in spirals
Cartwheels up hills
Reality nipping
At worn cardboard heels

Hilarious funerals
Darkness glows to a tint
Poverty clown shoes
Without spending a cent

Reek of the stains
Splintered in the veins
There ain't no brakes
On this backwards train

Feed the deluge
With experience and growth
Caged in a carcass
Wandering ghost

She cries when we part
The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

At best, I am a ghost
Haunting the world
Then disappearing
Without notice or warning.

I remember, our faces pushed
Her out of focus green eyes
Looking deep into mine
On bedding strewn.

I remember, holding her in my arms
Feeding her my calm
Making her mine
And allowing myself to be hers.

She cries when I'm not there
Knowing, what she has is afar
Out there, in the world, somewhere
Living, without her.

I stay silent
As to not sway the tide
Yet I have a boiling ocean of angst
Inside.

The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

She cries when we part.

I was once young
Tomorrow I'll be 41
What have I done
With all this time?

I have regrets
Choices I wish I changed
Decisions hastily made
Rushing to live.

I have felt the things
You have all felt
I have worked the hours
And slept in.

I will spend this birthday alone
Perhaps a drink or four
I will blow out no candles
Nor make a wish.

This life is not done with me yet
I wish to die at 84
Happy birthday kid
You'll never be 40 again.