I’m not trying
to be morbid

(as we live through
this tragedy)

but I think
balance is

one of the
principles of life

(even though I don’t
always live as I believe it)

so I can’t help
but think the

virus

is a balancing
mechanism

saying humans
are out of control

creating an imbalance
in the world

the reduction of our
activity

human activity

is reducing pollution
everywhere the

virus lives

people are slowing down
and that might be

for the better
but it is up to us

to learn the lesson
it is trying to teach us

it is truly sad all
the lives that have

been lost and still
could be lost

(including my own)

we call it an enemy
and speak of war

but it is nature
and for humans

nature lives to
be understood

so it can be overcome

only by understanding its
purpose (nature) can we learn

our lessons and
restore balance

we are not gods
we are part of nature

the past is a voice
you do not name

it has too many parts
you are the center

but you are never
the star

it is a breakable
chain that holds

you back

attached to all
your weak parts

it repeats itself
but you never

see the pattern
it has so many

voices

starts in a home
seems familiar

my dead mother

is alive and
making dinner

we talk about
something important

the conversation
is never clear

but it seems
familiar

we move outside

to a park with
crowds of almost
family

someone’s family
celebrating something

they all seem familiar
at least to each other

the park expands
into a resort

the mountain
background of
snow covered tips

contrasts with
the summer
resort setting

I walk by a
body of deep water

a large woman
in a one piece

is floating but

as she sings opera
she starts sinking

to the bottom
and then I am awake

and alone

if I thought hard enough.  I could probably break.  into pieces.  at least inside.  I was lost.  many times.  I was saved.  once.  that day.  my world was so small.  everything seemed within reach.  and everything mattered.

it was then.  a small man with.  a big mouth. spoke.  the word of god.  as if he was. i am.

and for a few moments.  maybe longer.  but not an eternity.  I forgot when my brain was soft.  or that it was still soft.  or that it could always be soft.  enough to change.  it was later.  that I learned.  that.

faith is death.  the end of mystery.  and doubt.  one night.  I dreamed a new world.  into existence.  an afterworld.  where angels ask me questions.  after all.  they cannot question.  anyone else.  

and without any answers.  we all held hands.  and walked away.  believing.  in doubt.

you didn’t
speak my name

out loud

you swept me
under the rug

I was that
bulge everyone

stepped over

I was not
a mystery

in fact
I was

quite famous

everyone
knew me

or wanted
to know me

but you made
sure I would

never be more
than a whisper

she thought
she was light

radiant
the sun

beyond mere
understanding

she was

worshipped
as a god

lost in her
movements

a body defying
mere physics

she learned
the secrets of

floating in
space

releasing
forgetting

feeling loss

silence is naked
desire is a

shrinking violet

a blurry body
captures subtle

movement

the essence of
change

you have no form
you are ill defined

and loosely connected

you remain
unknowable

to me

humans hide
from each

other

cannot play
tag or touch

wrestle or rub

they will avoid
each other

to live

rats race on
the empty streets

frenzied for food

they will eat
each other

to live

I am a shadow
I am a crow

you create
my nights

when longing
for you

is my occupation
my eyes close

but I do not dream
I obsess

strangling any
other thought

that enters me so

there is one thing
left in this world

the boy had visions

he saw patterns
small and large

he made meanings

combining many
things in many

ways

he never tried
he just did

he spoke words
as if a spell

no one could
follow him

they knew he
knew more

they just didn’t
know what it was

he knew

the world was
bigger than here

but everyone he
knew was here

so he had to
leave here and

he had to leave
it now

the laboratory
is free

mingling
mixtures
multiply

explosions
are neutral

creations
have many
forms

sides are
not taken

and

messes are
the norm

and everyday

we are new
as we are

the smell
of sweat

lingers

like a
panther

extinguishing
light

penetrating
night

another
victim­

succumbs
to desire

the deadly
sweet

the ever
lasting

there are
no drugs

strong as
this addiction

she masters
the body

for a time
controlling

desire with
fire

then moves
her attention

to the mind
using sound

and space

to enter
thought

and washes
the brain

clean of
all but her

in the land
of misfits

we speak
in code

travel on
waves in

the sky
asking

questions
that unsettle

the nature
of things

we close
our eyes

so they
can’t see us

but they
feel our

impact they
try to

understand us
define us

by the changes
we cause

not the news
people

the art band
from the last

century

make me think
make me dance

at the same time
is that legal

in this century
is it the same

as it ever was

there are people who
think you are real

that you are
not just playing
with words

that you actually
feel the things

you write to them

I am not one of them

this is the
internet
age and

we are all nameless
creatures or

creatures who turn
names into
underwear

changing them daily

puppets playing
with puppets

everyone thinking
they are pulling the strings

not understanding that
there is no master

only toys to play with

you painted
on my skin

permanently

the image
of being lost

a tree without
roots

tossed by the
wind

looking for a
home

a place to be safe

it was an
image of me

then and now

how did
you know

the sound
of hunger
or anger

silence

then death
by a thousand
scratches

I am a boy
called gangly

feet too big
to fit in shoes

legs longer
than my body

wrists the size
of a wedding ring

I like when
the sky is sad

turning streets
into oceans

and my long legs
can lift my big feet

into the open air

so I can feel
like a gazelle

leaping bodies
of water

to escape all
the predators

she dips her
head in a

puddle of his tears

breathing in
deeply she

holds her breath

waiting for
that dove with

the broken wing
to bring her hope

If I shout
I might die

the reverberations
creating waves

in the atmosphere

don’t launch the
astronauts

delay until my
day is done

if they feel
me in this

state they
will join me

as I fall to pieces

we see through
eternity

we hold angels
in our hands

like butterflies

we whisper and
create winds

hear our words
calling to you

to that place
in you

that knows more

that you always
follow

and call it you
and yours

because it makes
you feel powerful

I think my true
home existed

before the
big bang

the first
sound was

too loud
and divided

what was pure
the connection

that made
every element

one

every sensation
was felt by all

at once

so there were
no secrets

I imagine you
are love

a time before
the rotting

of the garden

a time before
knowing

a time before

need
want
hunger
desire
fire
pain
stain
passion
obsession­

and loss

when there
was life

but no
reason

to live

there he is again
dancing in my brain

he jumps so high
and tries to hide

the skinny boy

always running
playing games

taking jokes
making jokes

getting into fights
he mostly lost

but he never quit

and he could be quiet
and he could think
and he could cry

I remember him
he was so silly

the skinny boy

little one felt
like less

a dash
a subtraction

felt like the
value of the earth

would increase
without her

but she was
using the wrong

formula and
never showed

her work
to others

so they could
help her

the mistake is
always smaller

than we think

you did not mean
what you said

your words were
caged monsters

escaping from
your mouth

you did not
know their form

they were mutations
of what you

meant to say
they had these

small sharp teeth
that cut me in

so many places
you still can’t see

I am bleeding inside

I am afraid I
will never heal

you can have
what is left

did we give
you enough

of the world
to build the

next iteration
can you

generate another
generation

abstractions are chemicals

be careful when you
use them

they can be explosive
and only use them

if they are necessary
and if you

understand and can explain
the ingredients

their chemical composition

otherwise spend the
time learning them

before you express
them to others

and like scientists
engage in peer review

before you use them

make sure others
challenge you

to make your
points stronger

or leave it to
the professionals

which isn’t you
if you can’t clearly

explain yourself
or can’t handle being

challenged

I am losing

shedding or peeling
snake or an onion

my thoughts
carve away

another layer
of myself

going deeper
into something

I call myself

all these sediments
all these past lives

how many layers
must I lose

until I can see
the eye

or will I just
disappear

it is not a trick
I am not a magic man

just one day
I am not there

I am somewhere
just not there

not where I was
I am here

but you don’t know
where here is

and I don’t tell you

sometimes I don’t know
where here is

and sometimes I want
to be there

and sometimes I don’t

we were always
mostly alone

physically not
intellectually

we introverts
were made

for this isolation

lines and curves

the distance
between points

I trace slowly

with my fingers
and my mind

touching all parts
equally

I want to reach
long term memory

so this becomes
part of me

as necessary
as my lungs

and my heart

I can relate

escaping to
your hole

we can never
dig deep

enough

we can never
create enough

holes

to feel safe
can we

I saw her fold
it slowly

carefully

pressing her
thumb over

each fold
making sure

they were
perfect

lifting and
extending

her left arm

releasing the
plane into

the air and
walking away

she didn’t
know I

was watching
waiting for it

to land

she absorbs and emits

creates atmosphere
and odors

changes the world
at the micro level

we sense something
we cannot name

we feel needs
and desires

we move in
a frenzy

escaping
emerging

we dance and
transform

When is all lost?  And if it can be lost does that mean it can be found?  Can all be found?

I am not me.  At least not today.  At least not all of me.  The weather is changing.  And I am shedding pieces.  I can feel them fall.  I am creating another coat.  A thicker coat.  It feels like armor.  I cannot lift my arms.

Maybe I am a little lost.  Birds are all around me.  I am not in the woods.  I am in a city.  Birds are all around me.  The small ones always chirping.  A chirping sound that carries.  But does not float.  They move about so quickly.  I can never hold them in place.  They understand the true nature of flight and fight.  I cannot fly.  I cannot fight.  At least not today.

I make myself a statue.   Do I mean that I am a statue or a sculptor?  Does it matter?  What is matter?  What is the matter…with me?

I saw her look at me again.  The whisper thin girl.  Not really a look but a glance.  The whisper thin girl without a smile.  Her face is slate.  I write on her.  A dream.  My dream.  She does not know it.  She does not know me.  She walks by me quickly.  Creating a cool…cold breeze across and into my thick skin.

I shiver…like a down deep shiver.  Like a from my naked soul shiver.  Defining the true nature of cold…distant.

I lean against a tree for balance.  I do not want to fall...again.  I rub… the rough bark bites through my skin.  I continue to rub until I cut.  I continue to rub until I bleed.  

I watch the deep red drips and feel as if I am watering the tree with me.  At least a part of me.  I want to create a flood. There is stillness in this world.  A breath held momentarily.  There is quiet in this world.

The past fades into a shadow…a ghost…fog…a whisper…thin.  I am in this world.  I try to separate the mind into pieces.  My mind…your mind.  That is how we understand…truly understand…each other…in pieces.

I enter somewhere…I see people…maybe they are friends…does anyone ever really know?

When all is lost?  When all is found?

Does anyone ever really know?

I am curled
into a ball
holding myself
together
trying to
squeeze
from me
the poison
past if
I squeeze
hard enough
maybe I
will become
a hydrogen
bomb
and implode
obliterating
this memory

the day is
nearly here

I will have
to leave

my cocoon
but I am not

yet a butterfly
I do not

think I can
be safe

I have a mask

but I do not
have my

wings

she is the
sharpest tongue

you’ll ever taste

spitting words
cutting souls

leaving men
gasping for hope

go ahead
challenge her

test yourself

I sit on a rock
and speak

not a speech
a conversation

with the wind
speaking through

the trees

she tells a joke
and I laugh

feeling

the warmth of
her touch on

my cheeks
we have been

friends for
as long as I

can remember

words can link us
to each other

but your words are
not bridges

so please don’t fall

the cliffs are jagged
and you could

accidentally land
on a point

then what would
we do

she rests
on the earth

naked and
raw

white skin
like snow

she closes
her eyes

holding her
hands across

her chest

her hair
spreads

into the
dry grass

her lips
part as

she whispers
prayers

dreaming
she is a

flame

we are our
family’s rubble

they call us
double trouble

the dynamite twins
the cockroaches

only we survive
our path of destruction

people like to say
we mean well

it makes them
feel better

but we don’t
mean anything

people need form
and definition

not us

we like to keep
you busy

give you something
to put back together

to repair
to fix

a clue to follow
a puzzle to figure out

a mystery to understand
a problem to solve

I cannot sleep

tonight
there is something

out there for me
something more

than this
I can hear its

voice when I
close my eyes

it is deep
like a well

wishing me well

something in the
sky wants me

I heard the

god Jupiter
is bright

tonight

the appearance
of thorns

my skin wanted
to feel

anything

feet and hands
tender places

I wanted to
feel entered

exposed

I wanted to
live to be alive

blood speaks
like a river

flooding its
banks

destroying
without intent

trying to get
rid of all

its excess

so it can
feel again

I didn’t need
to say a word

she smelled
the pain on

my breath

the desire for
healing or death

she colored
my life

darker than blood
deeper than love

making me
take my

first breath
of violence

the first sound
is pure

it gives life
to the soul

it has no shape
and makes no

sense

like the universe
it is pre-human

it does not need
to be understood

to exist

I wish I was
the first sound

I too wish
I was special

the drumbeat
carries the
emotion

of desire

the thump of
growing pressure

that won’t let me up

pushing me deeper
into myself

so that I stand
close to you

smell you
feel the heat
leaving your

skin

but I can never
reach you

I don’t
belong here

I don’t
belong here

you overlook me
I fade away

not into the memory
into the never noticed

I want to be hated
by someone

I want to matter that much