I despise myself

for everything I can't do --


like other students.

Insatiable angels float
through the park, wearing wings
of fear and a crown that hurts
Their heart is wounded, lonely
and it no longer knows who it dwells in

The trees cannot help them
Pickpockets lurk in the bushes
of hidden love
The alderman sends police
into the night with handcuffs

People are closing up their homes
They hear, see, and speak no evil
An owl in the hollow of a tree
calls the hour of truth
and my eyes start to water

Decaying leaves, wet,

cold, and *****, but a bed --


for shiny chestnuts.

Live! Not dying
like all the sad-eyed people
but like the dog
that dances in the window

Wake up and look
There's sun, there's stars
there's daisies
and it swirls
in your ***

Wake up to a poem
Your blood flows
Spring comes and
there's bread in the oven

I'm not saying anything new
My words are clear
as water, as your soul
The sea falls and rises
but man is cruel

It takes me a lot

of time to properly show --


my inner beauty.

There is a pond in

the forest lake: beautiful --


black ice around it.

Your despair against

my hope, nose to nose, only --


a door in between.

The little ticket

is still there, if it didn't drop --


when I felt for it.

Going for a walk,

mama says: "Mouth shut!", so scared --


that I will get sick.

We've only just left
or I'm already longing to return
My life is an unpredictable journey

always on the same roads
The familiar road stations gleam
at a distance, purer than on the spot:

valleys of love, wonder, and knowledge
which I love to visit, and excitedly
      
leave quickly at the ******
of the bells of the caravan
of my needs
      
I wander between their oases
Only in the void do I find
what my soul yearns for

Back in Amsterdam!

So, why aren't people shining --


here with happiness?!

I know
fathers fail
as the great man

who knows the outside world
with whom you are safe, and
happy when he is proud of you

who takes you with him and shows you
the way in his domain, and step by step
you begin to see that it is different

That doesn't count at first
but suddenly it's over
Then you no longer listen

to your pet name, you fight
scratches in your soul
cracks in the calluses

It bleeds when you scratch it
Until you can breathe freely
and the wounds close

Since I'm old enough

to understand adult jokes --


they're disappointing.

At home on the couch
I crumple the edges
of the puke bag

The old times, the old songs
the excuses for the postponement
of the promised future

are back, back
from not having been away

We're still at home
in Old Man State, our
freedom was a dream

There are no more musicians
and no more beautiful
girls from Ukraine

The iron cold is back, back
from not having been away

She is reticent

and difficult to conquer --


Every day again.

The world keeps turning
no matter whether
we understand
that everything is
connected to us

I watch
from the scenery
gently strumming
tears on my guitar

The floor is *****
There are no residents
Everyone is busy
with other things
and passes by love

I watch
from the scenery
gently strumming
tears on my guitar

I think about it

all day, so actually --


I'm practising hard!

My diligent half

does homework, my dreaming half --


still lingers with her.

I promised again,

in the meantime already --


crossing the threshold.

Why are there people dreaming
of hell, a formless world
with leafless trees, beastly

people, thirsty victims
theatres where the murders are real
and of slogans written in blood?

Why do they fantasise like this
about a better life
about a new beginning?

Why are there people dreaming
of freedom, equality, fraternity
without prelates and politicians?

Why don't they sing
the song of humanity
Why

do they numb themselves
to explode
their pettiness?

The castle ruins

have an imposingly high --


ceiling with real stars.

She looks at the child

with love and understanding --


It grows right away.

I just can't help it,

I lie because of the truth --


It's slipping away.

I let her go, but


I'll be true to her image --



my image of her.

Perhaps God exists,


as a work in progress that --



we can't understand.

I'm busy thinking,


and she is getting upset --



because I'm silent.

Teens in the school yard


like to play with the soft ***** --



of being in love.

My lawyer comes in

with a very thick folder --


and I lie in it.

I almost started

kissing the lips above me --


but it's a doctor.

He's better than he is
I see that better than how he is
He loves me

But adventures lure him
In his enthusiasm
he magnifies them

in compelling stories
and oh, love, what it is
does he scale down

I also see it
with my friends' husbands
who know it, but

prefer to hang on
to the attention
they sometimes get

on days when he is sweet
and they don't have to worry
about what else he's doing

I shall let you in,

into my dream if you will --


kiss me in your dream.

Events flow through my head
faucets spontaneously spray
memories over my feet
Frogs jump out of the pool

What seemed so ordinary
is now demonstrating
and keeping me awake
Smashing the window panes

I hide behind the lace curtain
Shadows beat the drum
They live on the street
and declare me guilty

I am no longer safe
from the straight faces
and the doubts of my family
They slink through the house

The buried people

are present in the silence --


rustling in the wind.

Boys look past
my shyness
I don't understand

So beautiful I see my feelings
in my face, my forms
in the mirror

Why doesn't anyone
want to enjoy me?
The beauty of a boy

discovered inside and out
by my skin
my curious body

In other people's houses
I capture the beds
in my dreams

None of them invite me
Can they see in me
how critical I am?

I am in the field,

surrounded by butterflies --


on my floral blouse.

Will it be alright, or shall I always
have to make it do, always
holding my man's hand
so that he does not fall?

Will it be alright, or will it
not last?
Is he too just a dupe
of himself?

My first angel
delivered pills, he brought
heaven to the camping site
and soon became a home for me

Celebrating birthdays
with the whole family
Nice and quiet days
My life became mine

The others also flew
like angels high
on my breath, to be free
away, from me, from home

I waited
Come into my arms
Listen to me
Take care of me

One two, up we go!

Together we do pippop --


perthepop, hooray!

With the proceeds he bought the bank
the water company and computer halls
Modern Monopoly. He invested
in advanced filters and the internet

With a wink he kept his title
'Landlord'. Ah, the good old days
Now we are the owners, we pay
the subscriptions and pay off our debt

Things are going well, fewer members
are active, there is talk on the sidelines
and self-interested owners
collect proxies

The administrator acts
opportunistically and follows
the outside world
There is a call

for another system:
with so little involvement
a transfer of power will do -
blank until business is done

Buzzing everywhere,

the oasis full of bees --


All flowers empty.

Underground, my thoughts
collide with him
They tear flames

from his stature, from his voice
They blow fire into his house
put a fire around his wife

A chain of craters
Ash clouds over the world
And me in the Peaceful Centre

of the catastrophes
which must hit his marriage
without harming him

How many aftershocks to go?
How much heat?
How much desire?

A gale bumps and beats

branches away, gates open --


bears into their caves.

What is home, everyone knows
from experience or lack
or both, as I do

And still
I know what I missed
when I think about it

Not often, at last
I got my home
And still

I am the saviour, the angel
I have practised to be
from childhood

I hesitate at the old Christmas card
with me as a little angel, back then
when I got a cat as a present

Stars on my white dress
gilt-edged wings
and a halo

But unable
to definitely redeem
my family, their desires

Wounded, I crashed
bipolar between heaven and earth
between love and failure

The mouths are open,

wide, as if they are screaming:


the leaf ***** in air.

You cannot sleep?
It will come
It's the clock genes

Just come over here
and lie down with me
Close to each other
You are so sweet

It tied knots in me
that are not quite undone yet
I was a saviour, an angel

not yet used
to her body, a child
who does know heaven
but not yet earth

It recurred
Anger grew inside me
Powerless aversion

It recurred
And with others
I lost my wings
A worthless angel

My room: a waste bin,

chair, chamber ***, and myself --


tossing in my bed.

Man is a wild animal
in a herd, a group
that organizes
to be tamed

but it's not easy
to get the systems right
There are unexpected effects
or oppressive requirements

No one is responsible
Deposing leaders, killing
dictators makes no difference
The people tolerate the successor

Help is needed
From the outside, but
the borders are deadly
to humanity

So I must appreciate little
things, a glance
the clouds, fresh bread once
and dream what is forbidden

In the gusts of wind,

the waves foam yellowish green --


and.. a boat dances.

Forgive me
I don't want to explain away
the fact that I needed time

to put the consequences
of one or the other
together

The appearances may be against me
but I didn't hold aloof
really, I never wait and see

I don't look away
I just look thoroughly
for a well-considered decision

because so much is happening
and often there is no clear line
in all the details

And I don't want to do anything wrong
That is the seed
of my passivity

My aversion to misdeeds

Eavesdropping always

changes something, except when --


it's done secretly.

I dare to get into bed with you
Your big mouth is too small
for the world, your heart too big

for me, here I am
Well, tell, then I'll dream
with you, about you

in a purple cloak
the skin of innocence and power
Very discreetly, very discreetly

you take revenge
on anyone who does not get into action
and just lets everything happen

You issue wise orders
that camouflage your agenda
Much trouble for nothing

for though you loathe them
they are not another species
they are like you

only not angry enough
to be able to choose
what is important

That is the seed
the seed of your anger
Everyone's passivity