a midnight sun sets
harvesting the season’s last bounty
preparing for winter customs
when winter casts her spell
blanketing land in snow fall
a noon moon rises

run
fast
and far away
hide
and hope
the demons
don’t find
and crucify your ***

i miss

your touch
on my cheek

your gaze
in my soul

your kiss
on my lips

i didn’t keep the gift
you gave me
the fairy tale yarn
you’d spun
i threw it away
when I woke
to the reality
that you’d left
shattering my heart
extinguishing my soul

youth ephemeral fleeting
only blooms during spring
attracts lovers in summer
fades in the gentleness of fall
dies in the icy blue of winter

escape
reality
with drugs
and alcohol
unleash
let go
be free
sink deep
into the bliss
see the queen
on the ceiling
with barbiturates
kiss her majesty
don’t be afraid
she's waiting for you

i loved you
you were my creation
come to life
off my pages
i was dumbfounded
when we met
you were her
in every way
the coincidences and serendipity
scared me
i studied you
as we dated
fascinated
what ecstasy
to hold and kiss
my protagonist
the four months
that we dated
were euphoric
then it ended
abruptly
still infatuated
i hurt so bad
i cried so much
the excruciating pain
tearing up my heart
of Pygmalion losing Galatea
of me losing Laura

Slave to the sun, servant of the moon, lost forever in yesterday’s dreams, remembering the intensity of being sixteen, touch me like that, so i can feel free again.

i hate laying in bed
hearing my heartbeat
reminding me
of my mortality
and how few beats
i have left

inspiration plagiarism
truth or lies
which one
do you write?

defeated
on my knees

what more
do you want of me

my fate
is not my own

i’ve seen that look many times before
in their eyes, fear, suspicion, of a soul that has died
disassociated, numb, to avoid the pain of what they seen
when pushed, triggered to ****, going berserk with a machete
i am afraid of you, for what you have done and will do
but i am also sad and heartbroken for has happen to you
child soldier of sudan’s janjaweed

i need
a safe space
a sanctuary
to shelter
stay in place
watch the madness
from afar
exploding
outside
my window
retreat
to the bedroom
when life
is cruel

the last touch of summer
sharing kisses and ice cream
under an august sun
endless hours gazing
lost in your doe eyes

the smell of drying hay
while we played
in your uncle’s grain silo

wild children
on the cusp
of a lost childhood

evening cocktails
sipping anisé
dad grilling
mom dancing
as you and i exchange glances

fire pit blazing
a cool night descending
sitting in a papasan
the last night
holding each other
your head on my shoulder

i cherish
savor the memories
of us
that indian summer

0 & 1 is 1                my
1 & 1 is 2                love
2 & 1 is 3                for
3 & 2 is 5                you
5 & 3 is 8                is
8 & 5 is 13              eternal
13 & 8 is 21            boundless
21 & 13 is 34          immeasurable
34 & 21 is 55          limitless
55 & 34 is 89          incalculable
89 & 55 is 144        unconditional
∞                             ad infinitum

queued up
waiting to die
of a terrifying bliss
yet to come
emotionally blunted
benzos in the blood
feeling neither pain nor pleasure
whipsawing laughing crying
how to squelch the fear
the anxiety
reality fades
evaporates before your eyes
not happy sad just numb
rocking to and fro
******* on a thumb
waiting for sleep beauty
who never comes

I don’t want to think
about the future
fear and anxiety

I don’t want to feel
the grief
ruminate
and sink deeper
in the abyss

i float among the stars
slowly spinning
touching nothing
feeling something
it’s crystal clear
not black or white
but somewhere
in between
lost in time
surrounded by sound
it all stops
the silence is deafening

youth, beauty, ***
power, influence, currency
ephemeral, fragile, purity
young, old, mortality
look at me
what do you see
am i pretty
do you want me
what’s my value
to you
to me

living on death row
sequestered in a cell
never dreaming
no more hoping
living between tests
and a doctor’s stethoscope
a positive result
and i am
a dead man walking

I want to spread melted chocolate across your lips and gently kiss it off kiss by kiss as you moan and sigh

I want to pour warm cream on your ******* and **** on them till you beg for me to stop.

I want to drizzle honey on your ***** and slowly lick it off, inch by inch, as you whimper and shudder with pleasure.

it is true
i am the beast
you the beauty
give upon you
a white rose
why do you love me so
honored one
pure and white as snow

i’m tired of the false hopes and mirages of love and happy endings
disillusioned and disgusted with the the lies and manipulations
i am numb, have given up, and disassociated
i don’t see any hope and feel helpless in an unbearable situation
how do others do it, haven normal relationships
am i broken or just don’t know how to communicate
with all the therapy, am i still sick, still choosing the damaged ones
i need to stop, take a break, re-evaluate
or accept my fate

you care for her
as tender as a child
as she holds on the handles of a shopping cart
small and petite and as still as a mouse
trembling from cold or fear
staring into space
eyes white and blind from age
you were once strapping
and have weakened and bent with age
shuffling the aisle
gathering goods
the first time i saw you
and realized the dynamics
and saw the tenderness between you
i teared up and walked away
only to start to sob uncontrollably halfway down the aisle
envious of a such a love
wishing i had just a little bit of it

deep
dark
malicious
melancholy
you complicate
distract
from having
a life
worth living

i am hiding behind words
reading and writing
living vicariously
afraid of the real world

defeated by life
i walk towards Death
slowly
methodically
willingly
no longer afraid
as He reaches out
and embraces me
i sob in relief
as my fears
anxieties
and life
slowly fade away

the past is about grief
the future fear
slow down
stop
let go
surrender
accept
its all about
THE HERE & NOW

i wanted and was denied
i spoke and was silenced
i loved and was hated
i raged and was punished
i forgave and was liberated

you dropped my hand, walked away, never said a word, heartless, ghosted, in a land of the living, as a rising sun, in a cloudless sky, dried my soul, barren, without child, aged out of hope, forlorn, the bus never stops, tears streak down my cheeks, i scream and shout, in an empty bed.

it’s fading away
evaporating
barely remembered
like a morning dream
you me us together forever
it wasn't meant to be

you realize
you’re aging
getting old
closer to dying
with every sunrise

fear takes hold
creeping into your mind
consuming your thoughts
i am no longer young
spry or vibrant

i feel helpless
hopeless
how long do i have
before the sun’s final set

what would you die for
or more
dedicate your life to
money, wife, a child

in searching for purpose
ignoring the evident
that its not outside
but inside

its not about me
but helping others

i want
need
to get high

**** the feelings
welling up
deep
from within

take a hit
soar
crash
wake up
to new lows

swetha, pure, and white, why did i cry when i heard your soft, sweet feminine voice for the first time.

you stirred up emotions that i’d suppressed, afraid to express, for the longest time.

your voice is a soft lullaby that disarms me, a siren’s call to remove my battle scarred armor.

to admit to myself, that i am vulnerable, a man with emotions, who needs and wants  a woman’s touch.

when i realized
you were worse than better
and was being played
i let go and violently crashed
out of heaven and into hell
full of my worst fears and nightmares
to suffer the emotional savagery and carnage
wreaked upon my heart and soul
there aren’t enough tears to wash away the pain
screams loud enough to express my suffering
but lay curled up, shivering in a pool of blood and feces
and wait for Time to heal anguish and sorrow

what do you think about
laying in bed
under the covers
in the dark
lonely and scared
craving comfort

do your thoughts run wild
spin out of control
sink deeper
into the abyss

do you cry
overcome with shame
living in desolation
a child
alone
parent less

how do you fill the void
the emptiness
bitter cold
endless hurt

needing a respite
break
fix
of anything

wishing
praying
to be held
in Morpheus’
embrace

i am a broken thing
a misfit in a lost land
having yet whispered
the secrets in my heart

kissing during gloaming
I cried through out vespers
knowing, soon
it would be
the dominion of the moon

I just wanted
to be close to you
any excuse
to touch
press against you
feel the heat
from your body
smell your scent
taste your lips
reassuring soothing
melting away
my anxiety
hear your voice
feel your breath
warm and soft
against my neck
sending shivers
up my spine
wishing desperately
you’d kiss me
that night
on the dance floor
at the house of blues

I miss
the relationship
partying
drinking
*******
I just don’t miss
you

damaged
put away

like a used toy
discarded

forgotten
in a dark closet

desperate
hoping praying

to love
and be loved

feel it
deep in your bones
don’t turn
or run away
accept
surrender
savor it
the pain
despair
of melancholy

fog of war
tears of grief

cloud my mind
as i let go

of your
dead hand

we love so differently
you and me
what is that you need
safety or fantasy
a list of unmet wants
recanted endlessly
oblivious of your needs
sabotaging us
as you fluctuate hormonally
i’m exhausted
i close the door
and leave

do you feel it
when we dance
in a closed embrace
the heat of my body
softness of my breath
the way I hold you
delicate and gentle
my touch
says so much

a reminder
of what happens
when you pray
your fate
is not your own

life is
fragile
short & transient
be grateful
for the moment

surrender
in love
forget & forego
be present
for her

happiness
is not the point
to life
but a byproduct
of consciousness

the pursuit of happiness
is a construct
of the disenfranchised
believing they’re entitled
to more meaning
from existence

brief moments of joy
strung together
to form an illusion
of contentment

are merely distractions
from the pain and suffering
of the human condition

complex
emotional
moody
capricious
volatile
hard to please
no, not you
me

don’t
I won’t
a thousand doors
shut

old gods
newborns
cry

we buy time
with love
and blood