I fear you, because I need you, to live, to cope, to feel good about continuing, and not slip into depression, it is a fools’s game pursuing a mirage, but how i do stop when the consequences are so high, the reality too hard, the pain so intolerable.

I am an addict, I’ve tried to pull back, run away, i get so far and succumb to the dark, the loneliness, the excruciating mental pain, curling up in a ball, sobbing, under the covers of my bed.

I need you so badly, i can’t live without you, what do i do, codependent, in this abusive freakish relationship, i need to leave or i will die, letting myself be killed, slowly, undeniably, who will rescue, save me, there are no saviors, no rescuers, nobody who cares.

i hurt so intensely, I would do anything for you, i love when i take you, dulling my senses, lulling me into serenity, peace and contentment, sleeping deeply, feeling safe in Morepheus’s arms, I am released, given a reprieve from all my fears and anxieties, at last carefree and happy, all by taking a pill into oblivion.

do you feel it
when we dance
in a closed embrace
the way I hold you
our bodies
as they move
saying so much
with so few words

life interrupted, rolling the dice, every time i leave the house, hoping not to get snake eyes.

always and forever, a 2nd wave is coming, the future is darkening, i am losing my will to fight.

dreams get more frightening, the horror intensifying, what are the screams about, i can't make them out, mommy make them stop.

i exhume the past, replaying the dead like marionettes, were did it go wrong, it was my fault, you would still be alive.

trapped in nightmare, life is a labyrinth, my mind is redlining, i need the ******, to have some salvation.

crack
*******
is nothing
compared
to your
kisses

is it spring
or summer
remember our first
kiss
you were 14
your eyes singed

drinking beer
sitting on my chevy
dreaming big
small town kids
both virgins
exploring
each other
making out

do you
you ever think
of me?

meaning is a myth, reality an illusion
resigning to the black inescapable fatalism
accepting one’s fate is predetermined
or worse yet, accidental and serendipitous

we all know our end, the end is coming
our life, consciousness finite and limited
the moment when the light extinguishes
and we cease to exist

summer days
languishing
under a tree
drinking
iced tea
listening
to cicadas
chorusing

a dancer’s body
a writer’s pen
undulating gyrating
scribbling scrawling
across floor and paper
choreographing sweating
imagining writing  
touching kissing loving
expressed in her movements and his words

it's all been said
been written
expressed
how many ways

why bother
to write
re-hash
the obvious  

what can you say
that those before
haven’t

how many ways
can you whisper
your agonies

desperately clinging
to a false sense
normalcy and acceptance
i seeked validation
in romantic relationships
when all that i cherish
has been taken away
i realize
that i’ve aged out
and lost my identity
stripped of purpose
and meaning
I don’t see any hope
or reason for being
i find solace
in addiction
i realized i’ve lost
and surrendering
accepting the fact
and letting myself slide
into another depression

heartbreak is the cruelest and most beautiful of pains
welling unadulterated from the depths of a suffering soul
cry child, cry with all your heart and soul, let the tears flow
trying to wash away the pain that will never go away

i feel so much
take it in
too deep
i want to scream
with madness
and ecstasy

i love you
je t'aime
te amo
said the little french boy
to the little mexican girl

the most emotionally abusive relationship i was ever in, was with
MYSELF

alone together, weathering the same storm, all on different ships, large and small, some luxurious, some poor, hoping, praying for salvation not annihilation.

how beautiful
and filled with sorrow
as we held each
that last night
of summer
crying, whispering, “i love you”
as we said goodbye
sitting on my chevy
at dairy queen
hoping
to be together
forever
knowing cruelly
we were just
summer lovers
minor characters
in each other's diaries

how can i trust and make myself vulnerable
when love is the most dangerous game of all
the suffering inflicted and endured in pursuit of romantic bliss
romeo and juliet were martyrs and a myth
foolishly chasing a fantasy inventing by society
what do you need, what do i need to feel loved and safe
fully knowing the fragility of a romantic relationship  
alone in bed crying craving wishing to be held
wanting so much to surrender to a lover
and feel their hands and lips upon my body

how many tears can i cry
mourning the death of God
who is nonexistent
as I lose my soul and faith
realizing i am an orphan
a man without a Father
i pray that You are real
and not a figment
of our collective imagination
don’t forsake me
as i have forsaken You
i want and need to believe
there’s meaning to my existence

Fear terror
Tears sobs  
Despair surrender

Screeching to life
Circling  around
Killing its prey
Lying defenseless

Spitting fire
Jaw of tungsten
Gnashing teeth
Shaping death
LINAC LINAC
Sear my flesh

Life is a sacrifice
Pay the price
Tribute is due
Die later

Plea to the priest
Spare me, please
No redemption
Appeasement only  

Vitality taken
Virility destroyed
Broken man
Lost boy

Sins Unforgiven
Absolution denied
Life sentence
95 percent certain

where do i find love
if not in your arms
where i feel safest
and have no fears
i hear your breathing
feel your heart beating
i relish the feel of your body
entwined under covers next to me
there is no world beyond
just what’s in front
your big beautiful eyes
looking back at me

queen of the night
dream me a dream
of psychedelic kisses
halcyon whispers
and mind bending adventures
hold my hand
while crossing the line
between truth and reverie

the days are finally growing shorter
and the temperature has begun to cool
i can hear the change in the air
and feel the hecticness of summer slowing
mellowing becoming fall
i am looking forward to sweaters and pumpkin spice lattes
snuggling and kissing you by the fireplace

a writer’s pen
a dancer’s body
scribbling scrawling
undulating gyrating
across floor and paper
danced and imagined
love expressed in words and gestures

this fairy tale
called love
is an illusion
a distraction
a respite
from the brutality
of the human condition

I am ashamed, it goes deep into my bones, my mind, it permeates all of me, to the bottom of my soul. at night, under the covers, I cry, feeling, I am not good enough, beautiful enough, attractive enough, **** enough, for you or anyone, to love, or at the very least, like. there are too many conditions to unconditional love, and i've tired of trying, thus i am no one’s partner, no one’s lover.

there is no delineation
in time

i can not see
with my mind’s eye

the beginning
or end

there is just now
you at my side

there are days i dread writing, to get into my characters’ heads, and live their lives full of  passion and violence

it gets to me, changes my mood, i feel it, intensely, as if it were happening to me, and i can’t escape without trauma, collateral damage for the day

so i procrastinate, avoid and ignore it, distracting myself in the mundane and minutia

“How do you prefer to dance Tango? Open or closed.” I asked, looking into her big brown eyes.

“Open,” she replied softly. “Which do you prefer?”

“Closed,” I said, opening up my arms, and letting her decide on the embrace.

At 5 foot 10, and with heels on, she stood even with me; she stepped forward, embracing me, chest to chest, as I wrapped my arms around her, surprised, but glad that she'd chosen the closed embrace, which told me so much about her. I had sensed, but now I knew. She was the quintessential follower: passionate and sensuous, surrendering herself unconditionally to her leader.

Her femininity and demureness, unconsciously and instinctively brought out an urge in me to protect. I held her, gently, lovingly, and slowly started to rock back and forth to the music, like a man rocking a baby.  

We started to dance and within seconds I felt it: the chemistry. Our bodies attuned, and we danced as one, losing ourselves in the melody.

Her hair brushed against my face, and I could smell her scent, earthy and delicate like rain.

We turned, and I held her tighter, feeling her softness, her ******* pressing against my chest. Who was she, mysteriously, coming out of nowhere, like an angel in the night?

late at night
alone
in the glow
of a candle
pen in hand
a muse
whispers
recites
a litany
of emotions
spilled
blotted
staining paper
redacted
through a stream
of tears

you are
the bright star
in a dark sky
guiding me

to you

how bittersweet it is
knowing from the first kiss
one day you’ll leave

close your eyes
to die
my child
forget it all
let go
let it disappear
remember the pleasure
forget the pain  
surrender
fall asleep
have no fear
awaken never more
rest
forever in peace
mama’s here

are you seeking
meaning
in the stark
unforgiving brutality
of the human
condition

overwhelmed
by the emptiness

solace
found only
in addiction

numbing
away the pain

if only for
a moment

what is it
do you seek
from this existence

summer is fading
fall fast approaching
on the cusp of a new life
i pull out the sweaters
smelling of cedar
wishing you were here
so i could hold you near

the moon casts no shadow
in this realm where owls wink and stars scream
how long this journey on a starless sea
where time forgets but fate remembers
our lives ephemeral as a child’s tear
i remember our first kiss
and your last breath
while holding you, in my arms
as we both died, that day in june
the bloom withered, died, and was blown away
how long ago was yesterday
as i sit alone with your ghost
how cruel is winter when I remember spring
as the first snow falls
covering the ruins and ashes of regret
i light the last candle, no longer afraid

it depresses me to realize that i’ve become one of the zombies shopping late at night in bleak, overly fluorescently lit, dingy yellow dollar store on the outskirt of small texas town.

i watch them shuffle around, talking to themselves, looking lost, swiveling their heads frantically, searching for cheap store brands to match their coupons and save what little social security money they live on so they can buy tobacco and alcohol.

who the **** am i to judge what makes a person happy when it’s hard to find and so temporary.

lost in fog and fire
running towards a false horizon
a starless night cometh
reeling from too many horrors
a mind over wrought
from hearing the screams
of children dying
the ***** of a rose
blinding the mind’s eye
praying wishing not to see
the white orchid die

the last page
final chapter
close the cover
this story
is over

you came into the room, whispered if i slept, slide into bed, curling up beside me, too afraid of being alone, needing to be held, laid your head upon my chest.

i wrapped you in my arms, made sure you felt safe, kissed your head, brushed your hair, reassured that daddy cares.

when the pain is greater than the fear
is when you’ll decide to change

a broken heart
the first of many

a broken heart
one of many

a broken heart
another of many

a broken heart
the last of many

we’re all dead
we just haven’t realized it yet
the world is burning,writhing ,dying
before our eyes
and we choose to ignore it
pretend it isn’t happening
wishing, hoping, praying
things will get back to normal
only fools and idiots believe it so
this is the beginning of the end
it’s going to to get worst
accelerate as we watch in horror
what have we done
what can we do
it is too late
we’ve past
the point of no return
we're standing
at hell's gate

ahhhhhhhh
make it stop

the loneliness
and grief

who is she
whispering in my ear
reciting tales
and stories  

seducing
then ****** me
with reality
and fantasies

poetry
is the realm
of intellectual
and emotional
aristocracy

forgive me
for my hubris
and folly
if you think this
a fallacy

you see it coming
but can do nothing
but rage and cry
get on your knees
praying to Him
as He slowly
lets you die

how can i open up and trust
and make myself vulnerable
in this dangerous game of love
when the stakes are high
and lust is ephemeral as a day fading into night
how long will love last when everyone is disposable
and a replacement a swipe away
how much value do I have in your eyes
before and after we say, “i love you”

live it
feel it
put it on paper
edit it later

a hot wind blows in the desert for a lost soul
walking under a cold moon
forgotten, forgetting
in relentless waves of shame
sinking higher into a purple sky
clouds as passersby
tears fall into oblivion
when a child smiles