touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

It’s funny
Because as I stand here alone
With my eyes gently closed
Below the branches of large willows
That live in this hidden park
Having the warm sun
Soak into my skin and
The distant melody of birds chirping
Be the only source of sound around me
I can’t help but feel
As though it’s too loud
Because my thoughts
They scream
Demanding to be heard and felt
Even when I don’t want to
Give them the authority to
Which is so different to the
Peace
Tranquility
And quietness
That this place emits before me
Physically
In comparison to what’s happening
Inside me internally
Emotionally

You looked so beautiful
Artificial even
In the most original, unconventional way
Yet
I’ve tasted rejection
The millennial version
One unaccepted follow request
Was all it took
For me to nurse my hurt ego
Into a cathartic poem

I guess we were just never meant to be
And that’s okay
Because rejection is redirection
Towards my soulmate

I’m still a little embarrassed though
Hopefully when I see you
I don’t feel the need to hide
My head in the ground like an ostrich

I just smile and act as if you didn’t see me
But I still hold on to hope
Hope that maybe
Just maybe
You didn’t add me
Because you didn’t know me
I will never know
And that’s okay
Or at least that what I’m telling myself
So
It’s been a fun three weeks
Anton
Maybe I’ll read this to you someday
Or I won’t
Only time will tell

My fantasies
They consist of the little things
The intimate moments
That don’t cost much
Or require grand gestures in front of many
I dream of
Holding hands while you kiss my knuckles
Forehead kisses
Lifting my chin up to catch my eyes
Piggyback rides
Wearing your sweatshirts that you sprayed your cologne on
Going on a calm walk together in silence
Where we enjoy each other’s presence
Slow kisses that are filled with passion
Rubbing your thumb across my cheek
Outlining my smile
Hugging me tightly around my waist from behind
Placing your head in the crook of my neck
Lightly kissing me to tease me
Going to the beach at sunset while
Eating ice cream in a waffle cone
From the back of your trunk
Wrapped in blankets with music in the background
Playing competitive games
Cuddling for hours
Where you finally let me be big spoon
Closing your eyes as you let me
Explore your face with my eyes and hands
Because you know I get shy
Going to the movies and sharing popcorn
Car rides in the rain as we listen to music
Singing at the top of our lungs to one another
Having you braid my hair
After I teach you how to do it
Massaging your back
Working out together
Going to a bonfire and sitting on your lap with a blanket covering us
Coming to my house at random hours
Of the night to take me away
On a spontaneous trips
Watching the sunrise together
These
Are a few of my fantasies
I just want the free intimate moments
With you
The basics of a relationship
That typically get overlooked
Those
Are my fantasy
Ones that I want continuously
Even after we get married and have kids

I'm numb
Maybe in a depressed state
For sure in a depressed state
It's grief
Again

You've left
We've said our goodbyes
And it felt inadequate
Less than what I imagined it would be

I left numb
And it has carried with me since

Goodbyes are sacred
And yet I ******* hate them
Yet this time
There was no ghosting
No bitterness left unsaid

We came
As best as we could
To each session
And as all seasons tend to go
It ended
Maybe paused
We shall see in autumn
What out souls find to be true
About what happens to us
Our dynamic relationship

I feel incomplete
Like there's this itch I must've thought I scratched
But I realize now I didn't
Oh well
The depressed state I'm in doesn't seem to worry much about it now

No one wrote this blueprint in life for me
Much of anything else
So as I've done before
I do now
Trailblaze into a territory unknown
Except this time
I no longer have her next to me
In the way I did before

Tell me
How do you explain
Colors
To someone
Who is blind

When I was young
I used to like to think
That things were either
Black
Or
White
And that there was only a few instances
Where the colors would bleed
Into one another
And become grey

But now
I'd like to believe
That things are only
Black and white
When you don't humanize the issue
Because when you do
It's impossible for it to not be grey
It's impossible to make a
Black or white opinion
Because there are basic
Human emotions
Tangling their way
Through that opinion
And the more emotions
The more tangled
And harder it is
To find the answer
Hidden inside that web

Would you tell a child
That is crying
To **** it up
Or to stop crying
No?
Then when your inner child
Comes out from its shadows within you
And starts crying
Allow them to
Don’t stop the process
Allow the inner child
To heal
To tend the wound that wasn’t drained
Of suppressed emotions
When you were younger
And didn’t have the knowledge
That you have today

"don't cry because it's over
laugh/smile because it happened"

this is a very convoluted statement
it contains many aspects that i personally don't like
the first being that
the manifestation of an emotion
is very black and white
in society
crying is often associated with sadness
laughter and smiling with happiness
but that's not always the case
someone who is mourning can smile
someone who is suicidal can laugh all the time
someone who is happy can cry or remain silent
the point is
an expression of an emotion varies greatly
it depends on the individual

the second being that
it interrupts the process of grieving a symbolic death
one of its underlying messages is
stop engaging with the emotions that come with the end of this particular season
in this case
it is whatever "happened"
it tells people to just smile/laugh
now i understand that it may be therapeutic
in some cases
to change perspective at times
however
do not encourage this all the time
sometimes
a person just needs to sadly cry over something
and not be interrupted
remember
the body understands itself
more than our perception of it does
allow the body
to release the emotions stored within
don't hinder it with your mind
that has been trained by society
to shut down and abandon or shame those emotions

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others

I’m often misunderstood
Reduced to my stereotype
By those who don’t get the privilege of knowing me
And most people often are treated the same
Which is why
When I am understood
Seen and truly heard
Stereotypes aside
It is The greatest gift another can give me

I want to know what it feels like
To have have your lips trail across my
Lips
Jaw
Neck
And collarbone
I want to know what it feels like
To have your hands
Gently caress the surface of my palms
Tightly grasp my waist
Leisurely move through my hair
Intentionally be placed on my inner thigh
I want to know what it feels like
To be kissed
Lightly
Slowly
Sloppily
Heatedly
Sensually
Harshly
Quickly­
On the forehead
On the tip of my nose
On my lips
On my neck
On my chest
On my stomach
I want to know what it feels like
To have someone who loves your
Body
Mind
And spirit
With no inhibitions
With no conditions

When you threaten another
By your character or achievements
There will always be people
Waiting to criticize
E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
To judge your actions
Whether they fall short
Or aim outside of what’s deemed “appropriate” or “acceptable”
They focus on you
Because it sheds light
Consciously or unconsciously
On an insecurity of theirs
That manifests into
Jealousy or envy
Towards you

So understand
Being “perfect”
Is one of the worst adjectives
You can use
To describe another
Because it sets them up for internal chaos
That they aren’t equipped to fight
Unless they realize
They are independent from the thoughts
Of others and society altogether

The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I smile ridiculously wide
Just at the mere thought
Of his name

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I shiver
Just at the mere thought
Of his hands
Gently caressing my
Cheeks
Gently tracing my
Bottom lip
Gently pressing against the edges of my
Jaw
Gently moving across my
Collarbone
Gently stroking my naked
Shoulder

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I melt
Like chocolate in a s'more
Just at the mere thought
Of his hands
Gently intertwining
Against mine

When was the last time
You felt as though
You were seen
Facade and stereotypes aside
Just a bare, broken soul inside
Exposed to the compassionate other
Or more importantly
Have you ever felt seen
Has anyone ever looked past
The exterior you coat yourself in
Whether it be one of
Indifference
Kindness
Hatred or
Pride

balance
such a colloquial word
and yet
its application is so foreign
how do I find balance between
trusting someone and questioning their motives
I don't want to be blindly trustful and get hurt
but I also don't want to be hardened
to the point that I lack trust in anyone but myself
so
what is the balance

being honest and also concealing the truth
I had a tendency of over explaining myself to others
that concealing information was immoral
that if I wanted a relationship to work
I needed to tell the honest truth and all the information
but there is a beauty
in concealing information and withholding the truth
it is an art
that I am learning to master

I
Don't
Want
You
I
Just
Want
You
To
Want
Me

Baby please
Please express yourself unconditionally
Because I will love you
Unconditionally
Give me the good and the bad
Don’t pick and choose
What you want me to see
I want to see the most authentic version
Of you
The one you hide
From everyone
Even from yourself
Let me see you
The unrevised you that you try so hard
To conceal
You fear rejection if you show me
But what you don’t see
Is that I’ve already done this process
With myself
I’ve stripped away my facade
To the point where I was just a string
Of stereotypes and personas
And it was in that moment
Where I began to explore who I truly was
When I learned to love myself unconditionally
It’s a daily battle
Healing
Even quite messy
Yet no one tells you that version of it
But I’m here for you
Just like another was there for me
So baby
Please
Please break for me
No
Break for you
So that you can learn to love yourself
Unconditionally
In the way that I love you
Unconditionally

Sometimes I laugh under my breath
When I am around those
That think they know me
If only they read some of my poems
Would they be shocked
By how much they actually don’t know

~
1. Carry a humble confidence
With you
Everywhere you go
~
2. Be spontaneous
Because the best memories (typically)
Are never preplanned
~
3. Realize that you are
Beautiful
Intelligent
Warm-hearted
But never
Allow any one of those traits
Define you
~
4. Learn to love yourself
Before deciding to fall in love
With another
~
5. Never compare yourself
To something or someone
That you were never meant to be
Compare yourself to who you were
And will be
~
6. Never crave validation
Of your worth
Through the meaningless words
Of people who don't truly understand
Or know you
~
7. Most importantly
Live.
In.
The.
Moment.
Because life's too precious
To have your focus be in anyplace
But where you currently are
~
9. Embrace all emotions
With spiritual discernment
There is no such thing
As a good or bad emotion
There are
Positive and negative emotions
And both are meant to be felt
~
10. There is a reason you feel an emotion
It is your body
Trying to tell you something
Listen
There’s a reason you’re feeling that emotion
Pay attention to your body
~
11. Never marry someone
Unless you’ve seen them
When they’re
Sick
Stressed out
And angry
It is when we are in dire situations
When our true character is tested
~
12. Others do onto you
As they wish others do onto them
~
13. People crave to be reflected
And validated in their emotions
Just as a baby and their caregiver
regardless of their age
~
14. Two words
Mimetic Theory
By Rene Girard
Go look it up
~
15. Go and flirt with that person
You think is cute
Life is too short to over analyze everything
~
16. Play the naïve narrative
It’ll work in your favor
sometimes
~
17. Recognize pretty privilege
It’s a real thing
Be cautious and careful with it
~
18. Have grace towards others
They are just projecting their trauma
It’s nothing personal to you
They’re dealing in the ways they learned
At an early age
~
19. You have the power
To break the cycles in your life
NUEROPLASTICITY
~
20. You will change
Find sometime whose own growth
Compliments yours
~
21. Depressive days
Are healing days too
Sometimes you need to take a break
From always thinking and reflecting
~
22. When you get emotional
You enter into your limbic brain
And rational thought is hindered
Because you are no longer in your
Prefrontal cortex
~
23. Any deviation from the norm
Or extremes
Calls for a red flag
It doesn’t necessarily mean that there is
Something wrong
But that there’s something
Worth taking notice
~
24. Your vulnerability is a gift
Not everyone deserves to
Receive it
~
25. Parenting is the process
Of equipping an individual
To become autonomous
And guiding them
To discover their personal identity
While you sit back and admire their discovery
In every high and low
Which means
Your children
May not have similar beliefs or tastes as you
And that is okay
~
26. You are not responsible
To be someone’s
Savior
Therapist
Drug
Crutch
Lover
~
27. your features
don't go in and out of style
~
28. five years form today (5-24-20)
you will be the same person that you are today
except for the books you read and the people you meet
~
29. sometimes people are beautiful
not in looks
nit in what they say
just in the way they are
~
30. a person in two months
can make you feel
what a person in two years couldn't
time means nothing
character does
~
31. if you're feeling down tonight
think five years ahead
think of all the good music you'll hear
between now and then
all the places you'll visit
all the food you'll eat
maybe you'll have even met the love of your life
i know life can get hard
but better things await
seek hope
~
32. i wonder how many people meet the person
they once were
and feel like they're staring at a stranger
~
33. find someone who will treat you this way
"we're all the same, we're all ****."
"this guy in front of me isn't ****,
and i'll still be here when you finally believe it too."
~
34. there are moments you remember
and
people you will never ******* forget
~
35. no onw knows us
not the human fragile parts of us
i dont think they'll ever stop
unless they see
~
36. there will be times
where you cannot change
you cannot change your parents
you cannot change your friends
there will be times
where others will refuse to accept your change
respect yourself and them
let go
maybe the version you want the to be
isn't the one they ever wanted
don't go backwards
your change happened for a reason
~
37. make your heart
the prettiest thing about you
~
38. be aware of your
emotions
thoughts
stereotypes you have of others
stereotypes others have of you
don't feel shame or embarrassment
instead
view them without judgement
but
do be aware of them and work with them
~
39. learn to be intentional
with everything that you do
~
40. seek to see the other perspective
in every moment in life
you are given the opportunity
to see life from another perspective
which breeds compassion
~
41. the worst kind of loneliness
is to not be comfortable with yourself
~
42. "I like people
who have a sense of individuality
I love expression
and anything awkward and imperfect
because that’s natural
and that’s real" - Marc Jacobs
~
43.“I like how sleeping next to someone
means more than ***
sometimes
its's the body’s way of saying
‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time’
you have no defenses when you are asleep
you tell no lies”
~
44. do you ever get weirded out
by the fact that everyone around you
is constantly within their own mind
and thinking a million secret thoughts
and battling internal struggles
just like you
and that you’re not the only one who thinks these things
and that the people around you
aren’t just faces meant to fill up your life
but they’re actually really deep people
who have a lot more to them
than you ever actually even think about
~
45. take a deep breath
take a shower
clean your room
watch a movie
take some time for yourself
~
46. my ultimate life hack
i never wear makeup
except for occasions where i want to feel overly hot/professional
this way
people who see me everyday won’t be shocked
when i don’t wear makeup
they will instead be shocked
at how much hotter i can become
how much potential i don’t unlock
for no reason other than laziness
~
47. sometimes
the person you want most
is the person you're best without
~
48. i am mine
before i am anyone else's
~
49. my father told me once
to never date anyone
who talks smoothly around you from the start
because if someone likes you
they should be a little nervous
~
50.
~
51.
~
52.
~
53.
~
54.

When someone asks you a personal question
Whether that be
How old are you
How much do you make
Have you ever had ***
How many people have you slept with
What’s your greatest fear
How many people hit on you
Would you sleep with me if I asked
Never
And I mean never
Answer out of obligation while you feel uneasy about sharing your response
Stop
Pause
And listen
Listen to the changes in your body
The emotions you’re feeling
And the thoughts you have
Most people feel forced
To engage in conversation
Due to social expectations
But don’t let yourself be manipulated
You never have to share
Something about yourself
With another
It is a privilege
To be able to learn about someone
To discover more of their mystery
And this privilege isn’t a right to all
So
If you don’t want to share your response
Flip the script
Ask them
What do you think
This then will force them to feel like they have to answer
And depending on their social wisdom
Or lack there of
They will answer
And their response will reveal
More about them
And their perception of you
Than if you were to answer the question

A pretty face
Isn’t hard to come by
But a beautiful soul
Now that
Is a rarity
On its own
That not many get the privilege
Of experiencing

to the ones
that are heavy burdened and beaten down
by the cruelties of life and its wicked ways
you are more
than the scattered and broken pieces
left of life's destructive tools
used to pummel you down to nothingness

to the ones
that struggle to barely lift
the unbearable weight
of their parents and peers expectations
that grow and spread like flesh eating viruses
slowly but surely taking pieces of you away
you are more than your labels
more than your image  
but most importantly
you are more than the materialistic values
that you superficially hold

to the ones
that either hold fluttering butterflies or stinging bees
in their stomachs
you are more
than your raging teenage hormones

to the ones
that struggle to accept the skin that they live in
you are more
than the decaying shell
that we call our bodies
because the most beautiful people
are the ones who are quietly unaware of it

to the ones
that see life in billions of shades of grey
you are more
than the color in which you see life in
it might just take a lover
to rub the dust off your lens

to the ones
that feel as though they don't fit in
you are more
than the conformity you see around you
because progress wasn't made without diversity

Your words lurk in the back of your mind
Brewing a storm of emotions
Ready to destroy

They seep through your skin
Permeating the air
They escape your pursed lips
Biting anyone who comes in contact

Your words
They flow through you
And enter reality
With a vengeance

But one day
You will meet someone
Someone filled with so much light
So much hope inside
That your words can't penetrate
And with that
You will meet your match

Her afterthoughts curled themselves
Around her hollow heart
Which erratically  thumped offbeat
In her chest
Like poisonous weeds
Disguised as blooming flowers

there are people less qualified than you
doing the things you wish to do
the only difference
they believed in themselves
you did not
this is an idea that spoke to me in volumes
when i first heard it
my wish for you
dear reader
is that you find the courage
to believe in yourself

Some didn’t see it right away
Because their minds weren’t capable
Of realizing the magnitude of its meaning
Some overlooked it
Because the time they needed to put in
Exceeded their curiosity
But some cherished and understood it
For a classic is a classic for a reason
And some may never have the privilege
Of ever learning or understanding it
Because they were
Too shy
Too intimidated
Too lazy
Too occupied
To open the cover
And discover
The beauty
That is you

WHERE ARE YOU
do you think of me before you sleep
am I in your prayers
DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN SOULMATES
can I still be yours
because I still believe
I have to
because just the thought of you
keeps me alive
even though we’ve never met

I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE
I just want someone to hug
someone to cuddle with
someone to kiss
someone to hold hands with
I CRAVE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL
INTIMACY
because I’ve been depraved of it
for far too long

sometimes I cry
because I feel the gravity of my loneliness
because I just want to be held
for longer than 3 seconds

I feel
TIRED
ALONE
EXHAUSTED
and ISOLATED
when will it all go away
how much longer must I wait
before you
the love of my life
meet
so we don’t have to feel so empty
anymore

The thing with my glass heart
Is that it
Fills very quickly
But breaks very easily
So I ask you
Can I trust you to hold my delicate heart
Or should you return it now
Before it fills anymore
Before it falls and breaks
Pieces scatter
To the point where I can’t piece it back together

I was once asked
What my biggest turn on was
Usually
People begin to explain a specific aesthetic
Or cliche action
But to me
It’s reciprocation
Just knowing that someone wants you
The same way you want them
Speaks louder than any physical feature
The fact that they could choose anyone
In this world of eight billion people
And they decided to choose to
Be intimate with you
And reciprocate that desire
Physically and emotionally
Is the biggest turn on

your partner
is a reflection
of your self worth
how they interact with you
is a mirror to the tolerance you have with yourself
to the grace you bestow upon your being
the way they treat you
is an echo
to the way you treat yourself
to the way you allow certain behaviors to be accepted
your partner
is a reflection
of the love that you think you deserve
make sure it is one of substance
one of unconditional love
filled with patience grace and fluidity

One of the most destructive things
A person can do to themselves
Is to place the responsibilities
That only they can truly fulfill
Onto others
Whether that be
Self acceptance
Purpose
Loving oneself
Or happiness
No one else can build the stable foundation except yourself
They can only add onto what you’ve previously build