Im ready to know what it's like
To live my dreams.
What sacrifices must be made,
What joys I will experience
And what sorrows.
How different the coffee will taste,
How soundly I'll sleep.
If the stars will shine brighter
Or dimmer.
If the sun will reveal the best
Or the worst.
Life has a kink
For people who dare to be courageous.
Because not enough of us
Are ready to chase our dreams
Until it's too late.
So, I'm ready.

...
I think I'm depressed.

My mind thinks of the worst things I could do to you
The worst person I've ever met
With your slander
And lies
I could destroy you
And I want to
But I won't
Because then I become you
And I could never forgive myself for that.

Betting on yourself is hard
When you have no money
But doubting yourself
Will cost more
Than your bet ever will

Oh, world! Let me write!
Let me sling my pen across the page
Let me smash my fingers to the keys
Make them shake and break and bleed
"Its not easy being me"
I will write on top of a mountain
Write in the middle of a thundering wave
Speak unspoken words to thin-bladed air
Make my voice heard because
"Theres no one like me"
Let me essay the truth
Let me stanza the lies
Whatever you do
Just help me now
And let me write
Until
I ask you
To stop.

Ideas lick my brain at night.
Teasing me to pen the paper.
But indulgence is the oppsite
Of letting go.
I must sleep,
In order to dream.

I jumped.




But I haven't fallen.

It's 4:30am
I cant sleep
I cant stop thinking about
All the things
I want to write about

Is this passion?
I hope so.

Her eyes were tired from crying

About the voice

of a ghost

in her head.

Be gentle with me
I am water dressed up as fire

Be gentle with me
I say that I am a rock when air best suits me

Be gentle with me
Some days I may feel cool when inside I'm burning hot

Be gentle with me
Most times I look like I'm up but I've never been more down

Be gentle with me
Because I'm never truly as I seem.

I'll be gentle with you
Because I don't truly know what you're going through

Let my words slide like slithering snakes on your tongue
Devour my sentence structure like children ******* thumbs
Feel the anguish of fake people that can't see, touch or hear
Then when your tears sludge the page, I am your master puppeteer
May every letter leave you wetter and each comma stir up drama
And when you reach the end of it all, you'll be begging for more trauma.

My heart belongs to you.
It always has and it always will.

When I place my hands in yours, i am courageous because i know that we face life together

When you hold me in your arms, i am calm because i know you will keep me safe

When we both say i love you for the tenth time in the day, i am blessed because it does not and never will lose its meaning

I will admit there are times i get frustrated because i dont know how to communicate the extent of my love for you

It is truly the perfect flaw that, even with my love of words, i can't seem to find the right ones to tell you how i feel

But I can tell you this:

Loving you is like walking on air without the fear of falling

Its holding up the world with one hand and playing a symphony with the other

Its dancing on the moon without helmets and still breathing effortlessly
Its laughing when there's nothing to laugh about because just smiling wont do true happiness justice

You were more than a friend, a boyfriend, a fiance and now a husband.
You are the soul that mine has choosen to walk this earth in life with and fly together after death

For eternity with you doesn't mean just in this life, but beyond what we cant see or understand

So may my words stay with you always because this is what i vow to you:

I vow to love you unconditionally, every day, and every second of our lives

I vow to embrace you in the good times and the bad

I vow to face those times with you, together as we've always done

I vow to love and care for our family with you

I vow to support and encourage you in all your dreams and life endeavors

I vow to be your jiu jitsu partner when you get the urge to leg lock me

I vow to do my best at making a decision about what show to watch at dinner

I vow to **** the bee's if you **** the spiders

I vow to stay child-like with you and to remember that life isnt always so serious

I vow to bring the harmony when we belt out to disney songs in the car together

I vow to travel with you and take every place as an adventure even if its down the street

I vow to be your sturdy rock or your squishy sponge depending on what you need


I vow to love you with all that I am for the rest of my life and beyond

I give myself to you now and forever. I choose you as my best friend, my lover, my husband and my soulmate.

Thank you for making me the luckiest woman in the world.

I love you.

Leave.

Why settle for less
Than you know you deserve?

A flower wont sprout
If it doesn't get what it needs.

Why should you?

Ive taken your bullets
Your punches, your slaps
Your stings, your comments
The words behind my back

Ive taken the embarrassment
All your belittling lies
Ive taken your huffs, your puffs
Your eye rolls and sighs

Ive taken your pointed fingers
Brushed it off, held my tongue
You make mistakes and say "im human"
But go up the chain if i make one

How hypocritical, How conniving
How stupid you must be
To think I'll be your punching bag
I've got more worth than that in me

So if this is how I go out
With your target on my back
Then, please, take your best shot
Cuz im never coming back.

When I met the wise, old man
I asked him the questions
What am I doing now?
What is next?
What is holding me back?
How do I overcome?

What am I doing now?
He showed me fireworks
And fists raised
An envelopement
Strong laughter
A tightly wound cocoon
A smile of a lover
A comfortable chair.

What is next?
The sound of scribling
Paper becoming full
The turn of a page
A burst of tears
An overwhelming achievement

What is holding me back?
A wailing in the rain
A dark,
Lonely room
Closed eyes
Anxious heart
A Comfortable chair

How do I overcome?
Running
Sweating
Sacrificing
Sitting in a chair
Exhaustion

Then I ask the wise, old man
If I will be
A success
And he threw a stick
In the fire
Pointed to the sparks
And held my hand.

When I feel
Inadequate
I get the urge to
Cut
Like slicing my
Arm
Would make me
Worthy
Would make me
Enough
As if
Devouring
My flesh would
Prove
That I am as they
Say
I am
Not good
Enough
Not good
Enough.
No.
I'm
More
Than
Enough.

As the clock

              Tick-tocks


Opportunity

               Knocks.

The sound of a
Still-cast moon
Hovering
Silent
In the dwell-

The gentleness
Of piano keys
Rubbing the pads
Of your finger tips
In an empty,
Lonely room

The wind chime
In your voice
Tinking with laughter
And a smile
Conjuring pride
Telling tales
Of your daughter

The crinkle in your
Hands
Holding,
Protecting
My ignorant
Little heart
As time
Ticked on
And on
Like the beat
Of a steady drum.

How a
Broken heart
Is not a saying
But the sensation
Of falling
Like a splitting
Desperation and
Despair in
Your chest.
When a burning light
Dissipates into
Ash
And smoke.
Suffocating.

Being left alone
By loneliness itself
And missing what
It feels like
To feel whole.

To be in a world
Without you
Is something
I know well
But is what
I wish
I've never known.

Shes a twinkling star
The van goh of art
The call of the sea
The roots of a tree

She dances with the moon
Can break iron cocoons
Shes a sunset on the beach
The sweet taste of a peach

She may stumble or fall
But her spirit says it all
She can shine without light
If she believes she is bright

Why dont we post about sadness?
Because life must be perfect?
Because we must be happy,
Achieving,
Dreaming,
Believing ,
Yet everyone knows struggle.
We know the downs,
The ache,
The anger,
When we
Break.
But we keep silent
And only show the best of ourselves.
Like if we weren't our best
We would be alone at our worst.
Its not normal
To be perfect.
To shine 100%
Of the time.
We mustn't teach ourselves
That we only have support
When we are happy.

I cannot keep going
Around and around
A merry-go-round
A life where I drown.
I work
Hard.
Be the best
I can.
For people
Who dont know
Who I really
Am.
My demons
And angels
Tear eachother
Apart.
And the result
That they leave me
Is a beating
Broken heart.

I haven't taken a nap in 3 days.

This might not sound like a big deal
Or a difficult task.
Maybe it doesn't sound like a task at all
For some people.

But for me it is huge.
Its an accomplishment.
A step forward.
A jumped hurdle.
Another check mark on my mental health journey.
And I don't give myself enough credit.

So here I am,
Assuring myself
That the small things,
Aren't small at all.

You must cut the clay before you can mold the sculpture

Knowing the ending before writing a book is like knowing how you will die before you are born

I find myself reaching
For branches and vines
That make up family ties
Only to discover
That they break
And they tangle
Offering no support
In the cold brew
Of night
But when the sun shines
They are sturdy and forgiving


That's not the kind of family
I want to hold onto.

I cant remember
Who I am
What I've done
Or where I've been
Its too painful
The twist and turns
To swallow whole
Those ashes urned
If im not
Numb
I must be
Dumb
A fly
A crumb
Master of
None
I must be
Insane
With an empty
Brain
A shell of
Pain
Without a
Name

Whats the point of life
        

          When you cant do anything right

Sometimes
when I look at old pictures of you,
I cant remember you.
I cant remember
what used to look like
or what your face would look like now if it was looking back at me.
Because when I see you,
I see the sadness.
The sadness that I feel
without your presence
and the sadnes
that took you away from me.
I see the life you lived
that many times I couldn't be a part of.
I see the silence
that housed your suffering,
but also the joy that you gave
to every person that has passed through you.
I see the empty chair on my wedding day
and the vacant arms around my children.
I see myself reaching for you
and crying your name when I'm alone and forgotten.
So when I look at you,
I dont see your face.
I dont see your gray hairs
or brown eyes or fake smile.
I see your past,
and my future
and everything in between 
and I miss it.
I miss you.

Fire
Keeps burning
Smoke
Kisses
The night sky
The world
Doesnt stop
Turning
Never
Has the sun
Not risen
Forever
I will be yearning
For the leaves
To stop
Falling
The wolves
To stop
Calling
Its
Better
To sleep
In cold
Weather
But the phones
Wont stop ringing
And my
Head
Wont stop
Singing
A letter
To the
Universe:
I would
Appreciate
A small
Break.

You are
My first [puppy].
My first [dog].

I never thought
I could look at someone like you
And know,
Truly know,
That nothing else matters
But you.

That time will keep moving,
And problems will keep growing.
But what's important
Is the
Here
And Now
With you.

Thank you
For reminding me
That love
Is all I need
To be happy.

Dont.
Stop.

If you do,
You'll fall apart.

Everything
Will crumble around you.

If you stop.

Keep.
Working.

It is all
Worth it.

The exhaustion
Will give you happiness.

You will
Be happy.

If you stop.

I feel like everything's falling apart...

and im the only one who knows how to pick up the pieces.

Dont call youself a loser
Because that's not what you are
In my eyes and in my heart,
You're a shining shooting star

You are perfect and loving,
The flower that always blooms.
Even when your stuck in dirt,
Your petals gleam amongst the moon

Dont give up the grueling fight
This is what you've known and done
Dont keep beating on your head,
Strike the pain until you've won.

Dont suffer or be angry
Thank God for this great chance
To show them you don't just sing
But steal the spotlight when you dance

For a moment--
            
                         I was sad that he left me.


But then I realized--


                          It was I who left him.