It’s one of those realizations
It’s one of those wounds
It’s one of those facts
It’s a moment stuck in time
Not just a moment
A string of events
A life time of accumulation
A realization
An epiphany of the sorts

Leave your mundane pity at the door
It is not welcome here

You who are reading those words
It is not to evoke your pity
It is not for you to say:
Oh, thats a bit dramatic

And to you,
The person writing those words
It is not to evoke self pity
It is not for you to belittle:
Oh, thats a bit dramatic

It is a profound realization

That nothing comes easy for me

I weep
For innocence taken
For dreams destroyed
For a family that is no more

I weep
For all that I gave
And never received
For all the times I killed myself
Over and over again

I weep
For all the times I sacrificed my soul
I weep today what I never had the luxury to mourn

It is a luxury to grieve

I weep
For a past of endless disappointments
I weep
As if it is all happening to me again

At this very moment
I weep
For my stolen childhood
I weep
For my repressed adolescence
I weep
For my invalidated wifehood
I weep
For all that couldve been and never was

If I could bury you
Beneath the rubble,
Below the garbage,
Underneath the filth,
Close to the walls of hell

I'd bury you alive

If I could bury you
Turn you into a distant memory,
Into an insignificant written page,
Torn and turned to ashes,
Close to the edge of nothingness

I'd bury you alive

But
I have to deal with you
I still have to deal with you
You still show up uninvited
An entitled guest
In my show of life

I still have to look at you
And smile
I have to muster all my courage
Remind myself that evil comes
Shaped in sheep's clothing

I have to build walls so high
That Jack and the beans stock
Cannot reach
So strong that they survive tsunamis

I still have to smell you
and your rotten nonsense
I still have to hear you
and you ephemeral words

If I could bury you
I'd bury you alive
Alongside my walls and defenses

So that I may no longer
Speak any Evil
Hear any Evil
See any Evil
And well
Smell any Evil

To the boy who’s fixated blue

To the north pole
Void of Santas warmth
Cold blue ice
Yearning for elves
Frozen white snow
Aching for magic

To the boy who’s fixated blue

Fairytale dust I sprinkle unto you

Gaping souls
And
Plundered holes
Excuse me!
You’re standing in my way

I take a plunge
The world shuts down
The mind goes quiet

I take a plunge
I am the ocean
Waves of pleasure
Build steadily
Release rhythmically

My eyes drown
Into yours
Tragically feeble
Yet
They want to drown
Deeper
Into the abyss
Into the unknown
Into the darkness
To bathe in what could be
In endless desire
In the unspeakable
the unfathomable

Drowning further
Barely breathing
Panting
Racing
There, when you can't hold it
There, between death and the living
There we meet

I take a plunge
I am the ocean
You take a plunge
We are one

I have this image
Lingering on my mind

I have this sensation
Wetting my insides

Your hand between my legs
Still, not moving

What was your hand doing there?
Checking for my vital signs?
Did you feel it throbbing?

Then you retract
The images linger on
An ache
A hunger
A buzz

I have this image
Developing in my mind

An ache to be ****** senselessly
An insatiable hunger to be taken from behind
Skirt lifted
Bent over the table
Exposed
******* dropped half way

Quite a sight
Still
Left there
Wanting for more

A penny for your thoughts

An endless ocean for your actions

It’s brutal isn’t it? Saying those words to a poet?

And yet that is the final truth

In love and relationships

Living like there is always tomorrow
Oblivious
Its too heavy a crown to carry
Death
Easier to ignore the downfall
Inevitable

But I cant let you go
Not you
My anchor
My solace
My hopes
My soul
Silly right?
The little girl in me never grew up
Dad you are my peace
My role model
My whole heart
My balance

Somehow it seems trivial
Having to go through life without you
Even though I have kids of my own
I cant let you go

I will shatter once you go
I will never be whole again
It will pass?
I will pass through life oblivious, anxious, hollow

I dont think Ive ever told you
How much you mean to me
Just knowing you exist in this rotten world
Turns everything into colour

I cant let you go

Ive walked through life
Ive had people come and go
Many have weaved their stories with mine
Many have passed uneventful
Most have been retched
Of all those people,
I never came across anyone like you
A heart of gold
Pure
Strong
Balanced
Supportive
Moral
Caring
Deep

Do you own it?
You reak of testosterone
An air of rightfulness
Lingers behind
As you walk

Do you own it?
This world we live in
Was it woven only to accommodate your inflated ego?

Deep down I resent you
You males
Walking around chest high
Hands banging
Monkeys in suits