Etched in my mind is a picture of my teenage self beside the fire place
A big empty home filled with material abundance and devoid of any emotions
Taboo is it now to feel?

Entrenched in my memory is not the emptiness I felt in this home
It is not the cold distant void that resonated to my bones despite the blazing fire
It is not how little and placid I  had to make myself in order to fit and conform

What will forever stay with me is the discussion my parents were having
When the words rolled out of my fathers cigar filled mouth
“I don’t like girls, I always wanted a boy”
The words rolled with seamless grace
The words landed with a heavy shade
Baggage that confirmed what has already been looming in my monkey brain
Baggage that I carry to this day

Expectations of what I should and should not be
A ****** dictating my identity
Anticipation of the life I was to lead
A self proclaimed prophecy
To walk down the isle of patriarchy
To conform, to shrink to the role bestowed upon me
To bottle up my dreams, my thoughts, my needs
To follow the path that serves men
To stay small so they can feel big
To nurture and raise a family
To just nurture and raise a family
To be unseen
To keep the peace

There’s a hole where my soul used to be
An endless abyss of pain
I feel it in my chest every time I pause
Pain buried under ancient rubble
The pain eats away in the never ending hole
The reasons unknown

I try to balance
Shift my weight to the middle
Keep the boat afloat
My desire pulls me to the front
Reality throws me to the back
The boat is rocked
Ripples upon a once still lake
I try to balance
The child in me enjoys the ripples
The adult in me throws the anchor

My body remembers,
Your filthy rotting hands spewing toxic touches
My body remembers,
The stench from that abandoned room
My body remembers,
The aches, the pain, the guilt, the weight
My body remembers,
As tears stream down my face
After all those years,
My mind has forgotten
Yet my body remembers