to me you are a star of gold
a glowing asterisk
I wish I could hold
though you seem so far away
I truly wish we could meet some day
but alas we shall only meet
through our words,
spilling and falling across this page.
we are the unseen family
bound by art
which is better
because we dwell in the heart

My dearest mother




















do you see it?
that's the space put between us,
filled with unspoken words and heartache.










can you hear it?
that's the defining silence,
filled with quiet disappointment and shattered dreams,
because I'm not the girl you hoped I'd be...

tis a sad day indeed when family turns to strangers.
when you look into the face that you have loved for years
and only see uncertainty and distance.
you know what I'm talking about....
when you dress up for their visits.
and worry what they think.
where stiff conversations
and insincere smiles dwell.

what happened?

I cannot remember a time with out you...
yet I find my self unsure as to how to spell your name.
I cannot remember our last laugh.
not these pretentious giggles
but cheek burning, tummy clutching, eyes tearing laughter.
I cant clearly see your face. hear your voice.
I cant remember your catch phrases. your jokes.

What happened?

I know not your friends, nor where you sleep at night.
what has caused this heart wrenching chasm to form?
I have loved you!
Where are you?
I have fought, kicked and screamed with and for you,
who do you fight for now?
What severed these bonds we swore would never brake?

What happened?

was it me?
was I not there?
did I send you away?
Oh the heart breaking pain...
I would do anything for you,
even now,
although I know not the person you have become.
I would die for you.
and I do... a little more each day.
would you do the same?

What happened?

why did you leave me?
I am your sister, your blood,
yet you are no where in sight.
I miss you..... oh God I miss you.

What happened?

tell me and i will fix it.
I swear i will,
because, dear sister i miss you
so much that  it hurts.
I wake up at night
and I wounder, are you still alive?
If so then why do i feel so empty.

tis a sad day when your name falls from my lips
and sounds clumsy. as if it didn't belong.
I miss you...
What happened to you?
to our bond?
was it I who did you wrong?

And
      In
         That
               Moment
                            She
                                  Was
                          ­              Consumed
                                                       And
                                              There
            ­                           Was
                           Nothing
                  More
                I
      Could
Do

Boiling blood,
Dagger eyes.
Hateful mind,
Both cruel and sly.

Brave façade,
Daunting lies.
You look to me,
"Its time to die."

I hear you,
And watch
you scream
And plea.
Yet its not anger
That i see,
Only...

Aching muscles,
Tired eyes.
A weary heart,
A mournful sigh.

"Hush my child,
Its not time yet.
If you do this now,
There's much you'll regret."

Shallow breaths,
Teary eyes.
Shaking hands,
You sob and cry.

"Can't you see?"
Again you plea..
"Its time to die.
Nothing left for me."

I look on,
And I feel your sorrow.
A broken heart,
With no hope for tomorrow

"Be calm my child,
Just look around.
With a bit of effort
Happiness can be found."

"You don't understand!
How can you know?
Who are you to decide
When I'm ready to go?"

Bleeding smiles,
Plastic masks.
Hidden scars,
You've gone too far.

"Be careful my child,
Or you will be consumed
And then there will be
Nothing more I can do."

Sun kissed smiles,
Moon burnt laughs.
Bright future,
Dark past.

Wedding bells,
Pure love.
White shells,
Caged dove.

Sticky hands,
Tiny feet.
Sloppy kisses,
Hearts complete.

Weary smiles,
Wizened eyes.
Snow kissed hair,
You've grown wise.

Calmly you stand,
Before me once again.
With a full heart,
A long life.
With Faded scars,
And smile lines.
I hear you repeat,
A long lost line,
With a sad smile,
"Its time to die"

I greet you,
Arms open wide,
Embraced in me
You quietly die.
And as you fade,
I hear you say...
"Thank you,
For helping me
Hold on til today."

One
Oh what fun this has become.
Two
So much life in me and you!
Three
So this is what it means to be free?
Four
Maybe one more behind closed doors....
Five
I can't quit, without it I don't feel alive...
Six
"You need to stop, your addicted and soon it'll be too late to fix"
Seven
"Do you wish to die? Because we both know that's where your headed."
Eight
More then just pills, they are an escape. An escape from all this depression and hate.
Nine
You've changed, you've taken it too far. How could you be so blind?
Ten
The monitor goes silent, your heart stops it's beat, never to start again.

Do you have what it takes?
Is it burning inside?
A warriors heart,
a leaders mind?
Now is the time, lead the way.
Ride off to battle, seize the day.
They look to you, your spotlight shines,
so push on through, test your lines.

You've got what it takes,
I see it inside;
a warrior's passion,
a leader's pride.
you've got the heart, you've got the soul,
you've got the will, so take control.
Don't ever break, don't you dare walk away.
finish what you've started, seize the day.

You've got the skills,
they lay inside;
a warrior's dedication,
a leader's determination.
you've got nothing to lose, step up to the plate.
Fight in the battle, before its too late.

Though lose, you may,
the chance still stands,
to lead with victory's upper hand.
to fight your way, and in the end,
to seize the day.

Let me tell you a story.
A Human is walking through woods, where he stops under a tree and gives a sullen sigh. When a beautiful maiden calls from among the leaf leaden branches above,
"Whatever's the matter?"
The Man looks up, startled to see the fair lady in the tree and as she climbs down to stand before him he tells her of his sorrow. His friend was leaving him, to a land very far from where they now stood. the maiden states that many people are often in search of living a life different from the one they are currently leading and asks what else is bothering him.
He states that he's.... lost.
"You spend your whole life looking up at the moon, terrified that you are wasting your life away."
She says, and he agrees.
"Then why not go out and live the life you dream of living?"
He searches for an answer but cannot find one, save for the fact that he feels stuck.
"You are only stuck if you wish to be."
Getting irritated by her wise answers, he asks what life she would lead. The maiden looks up at the many trees towering above them, her eyes watching the light dance with the leaves as she answers,
"I would want to travel, to breathe."
The man states the wishing to breathe is an odd desire indeed. She just kept looking up at the sky as she continued,
"All of these trees are working tirelessly day and night to give us air to breathe. I would make sure that each and every breath had meaning. That with every intake of air carried the taste of adventure and every breath out holds a memory with it. I would try my hardest to ensure that I did not let a single breath go to waste. We all spend so much time ensnared in our small world, dreaming of something more beyond what we know, but refusing to go and seek it out. I wish to not merely exist, but to LIVE."
The man asks why she doesn't heed her own advice,
"Alas," she sighs,
"I am a Tree nymph and cannot move beyond the roots buried deep within the earth, or the tree will die, and I, with it."
Suddenly filled with pity for the beautiful nymph he states that he may know of a spell that could release her from her binds to the tree and allow her to pursue her desire. she then shakes her head and with a small, sad smile, she tells him she could never do such a thing. When he asks why she says
"I have spent my whole life caring for this tree, we are entwined together. To leave it in pursuit of my own dreams, would be leaving it to die. this I cannot do."
The man shakes his head, confused.
"It is simply a tree," he states "there are thousands more just like it."
"Ah," she says, wishing for a way to further explain herself,
"This is not just any tree. Somewhere out there, there is someone relying on this tree to breathe so that they may live their lives to the fullest they can. Weather it be a small child learning to walk and explore this beautiful land for the first time, or may it be an elder who has lived a long life, with many stories to tell, they are relying on this tree and to take it away so that I may go about life the way I dream, would be a selfish thing indeed."
Touched by her selfless sacrifice the man exclaims that it was hardly fair, that so many people remain wasting their lives away within their paper worlds settling for existing due to laziness and fear, while others, are dreaming of the freedom to actually live while imprisoned by their sacrifices.
"Is their no other way?"
He questions, but the maiden shakes her head.
"Well is there any way I can help?"
Her eyes light up and she smiles. A smile that is as warm and bright as the summer sun.
"Why yes, there is. you can go and live your life to the fullest you possibly can, because, you too, are relying on somebody's sacrifice to be free to live. So don't waste it, and when you have aged and grow weary, with snow kissed hair and wizened eyes, share your stories with those who follow. Share your sorrows and your triumphs, and all that lie in between. Start your story here, on the day your sorrows have lead you here, to the Nymph who dreams to live, inspire them to do the same and then I will know that my sacrifice has not been in vain."

I own about 300 books.
That's 300 main characters,
With roughly 2700 sub main characters.
Its about 12020 chapters,
With about 162600 pages
And about 3252000 sentences,
With roughly 55284000 words.
And that doesn't even account for all the books I have read, which if you know me, is most likely an impressive number.
Yet, of all the worlds I can slip into, with all the characters and personalities I can become, with all the differently written chapters, of all the beautiful unique words....
I can't seem to find the will to escape, can't seem to find the right story to disappear into. Can't find the perfect character to adapt to, can't find the ability to slip into the vast worlds of paper and ink... Of all those beautiful words, can't find one among them to place my emotions much less hold my attention.
I hate it when this happens,
When you can't find the will to disappear into the one thing you love, and have always been able to rely on to escape for just a short while.
No instead your stuck in your own mind with all of its dark chapters, distorted stories and twisted characters. Where, those same beautiful and unique words, are all jumbled together strung up in all the wrong ways. Oh what a dreary feeling. A hopelessness that consumes ones mind, usually so full of humor and imagination, now tethered down to a morbid and dark world