your skin
has a seat in
that chair,
in every universe
you belong

Your silver voice,
slick as a fish,
I’d gut,
dice,
and toss
to the sharks.

Velvet and hypnotic,
you sweet-talk your way
through our minds—
slipping past our conscience
and every blaring red flag,
entangling us
in pleasant submission.

I’m desperate
to erase
every trace of you.

i told my friend,
it wasn’t like that.
we said — agreed —
this still wasn’t a date.

then you sat down
with a coffee,
making me forget
every careful phrase,
every non-confession
i’d whispered to my mind.

we wandered the city
until sundown,
as if we didn’t know
every corner of it.
and when the night
started to settle,
i offered you an out —
you had plans.
you just smiled,
waving them away.

neither of us knew
what we then began.

because i told my friend
it wasn’t like that.
but now i’m not sure
what i was trying to defend.

When pen doesn't reach paper.
I have nothing to say.
Peace has captivated me, and in it I will dwell.
It is like a gentle flowing river, soothing my soul.
Peace, Peace, Peace like a river.

In darkness i search for light,
In light i yearn for darkness.
I solemnly pray for the changing tides.
I unwittingly am blind.

I whisper out to darkness.
“The voice of a succubus”, he responds
I yearn for the light.

I whisper out to light.
“The voice of an angel”, he responds
But i am unwittingly blind.
I yearn for the dark.

In the night i yearn for light,
In the light i search for darkness,
I pray for changing tides.

I apologize for liking you on Hinge purely on intuition
It hurts to admit I mistook your kindness as a door open for my wonder

I’m sorry I yearned for you from the day I heard your most gentle voice
From the day we first met, when I tried to find you in the parking lot of a cinema, in the rain

Dearest,
I was up too many mornings, counting minutes from 6 a.m.
At the time you wake, even on Saturdays and Sundays
I secretly wish you slept more, to comfort the chest of my anticipation

I’m sorry to have learned your schedule, purely out of care, and also romance.
I honestly promise I do not stalk,
except through invisible feelings,
except through the way a body shows without touching or words without telling

But I’m sorry that I find your perfectly correct grammar in texts quite irritating.
Your composition too sensible and unbelievable
Your ignorance towards me, too hurting
I feel too jealous because you might never think of me in a soft pink light
Or because you might actually never think of me in any light

I’m very sorry however, as I think of you too frequently,
and I don’t know when that will end

It isn’t your fault.
This is surely, absolutely on me
for I know I lack colors
Both in flesh and feelings
As there are plenty of fish on Hinge; so open to the ocean of your eyes
I should be no obstacle to your perfect match and mutual passion

I regret swimming in the river of my endless, unrequited sea
I regret to have had this sort of courage with only you, which is oddly shocking
I’m sorry to bother you when I reach out to say  hi,
Because I carefully try to calibrate that weekly

I’m sorry for the hundreds of times I believed
there might be one-tenth of a chance
Of me and you,
in an alternative universe
where I might deserve you
Maybe?

And I apologize again for always bringing up movies with you, in sense and nonsense
Because I am unable to tell you what I want to
As my 29-year-old stupid inhibitions play around
I apologize if I behave disturbingly distant,
but I will always be curious about your birds, and your neck that hurts

As you can clearly see,
I am sorry for innumerable things

But
I am never sorry to have met you
I am never sorry to think of you, and write of you
I see you
in colors of pink, red, and yellow,
in colors of blue and sea
in embrace of distance and memory

I just wanted to put this all out
in any way
Let this be a digital ship-in-a-bottle,
in the middle of a vast ocean

The I is capitalized and spaced off from love

Even if you don't exist.
The idea of you,
has kept me going.

Even if it's lackadaisical
with a heavy helping of delusion.
It's better than nothing.