a leaf fell, i thought of you.

i did not phone.



requiem.

I want to have you by my side
To share with you every insight
Is that too much to ask of us?
I really wish that we will last.

I feel a creative flow,
And something I haven't yet explored,
With you,
We can have a strong foundation,
I feel there can be more than imagination.

Dullness from our daily lives,
Distance is not how relationships thrive,
Feeling connection with you,
Your smile is soo beautiful, too.

I wanna hide because I feel so seen,
My mind is going crazy in between,
I want to be the perfect one for you,
But seeking perfection is committing to doom.

Entangled in insecurity, ready to give everything,
To build a life I really want to live,
And a relationship full of love and belief.

A few really good friends,
Room for ideas,
Maybe animals, too,
One for me, one for you,

Mostly I just want peace,
Feeling warm exciting breeze,
On my skin, everyday,
Meeting every sun ray,

Holding hands, yours in mine,
Our hearts intertwined,
Happily walking home,
After the day is done.

They told me to listen
because they’d already learned
enough from books to know

as they burned my soul
in their book burning glow.

Sleep pressed instrumentally against 
My pillow’s slighted bladder 
In its latency my incontinence
Rebounds 

Deep down I wish I’d said a final farewell
To the topography of scabs 
On his pockmarked 
Couch

No one talks about how painful it is
To love someone who wants to die
About the anger that you aren't enough
That they're okay with leaving this world
Leaving you here

We don't talk about
The constant fear
That they might already be gone
That couldn't save them

The terror when they don't answer
Every time
I find myself unable to breathe
Thinking about the blood on the floor
Imagining the rope around their neck
Picturing the empty pill bottle next to their lifeless body
There is so much fear

Please call me
Please tell someone
You cannot be alone like that to end your world

Please call me if you're going to do it
But it will not be for goodbye's
I will not tell you it's alright
I will say that I will ever be able to forgive you
Because I won't
I will only forgive you if you started breathing again
But when you're dead
That's it
You're dead

Yes I would be devastated
Completely and utterly
But that's not all
I would be angry too

2am anxiety attack
3am writing them poems
They're not enough
The words aren't enough
I'm not ******* enough
No one talks about being up at 4am doing research
How to help
Words to give
Grasping thin air for something
Anything
To keep them there

Now it's 5 am
Making lists of ways to make things better
How to make the world more livable
Because they are not allowed to die
6 am still awake
It doesn't matter that I won't get any sleep
I don't care about myself anymore
I don't care about my life
They just need to stay in it
That's all that matters