do you ever tell your parent that what if you can't do it and all they say is "I know you will". No mum. What if I can't ?  what if I disappointed you? what about my guilt? where do I keep this feeling? why is it so heavy? what if i fail? what then? will you still think of me as your brightest kid? will you still use me as an example for my siblings? will i be an example? what if i couldn't be that intelligent always making you proud kid? what if i fail mum? why is this feeling so heavy? where do I keep it mum? What if i fail?

I was a gifted child. Until I wasn't. I was the golden girl. Until I couldn't burn anymore.
My parents expected me to build wings of gold and fly further than anyone could ever try. I don't blame them, having a child to raise is like sculpting a clay ***, you can shape it the way you like, paint it the color you fancy. To raise a child is to play God. To raise a child is to be God.
But to be a child is to fall, to make mistakes, to fail. The thing about being too bright at an early age means you burn out by the time you're 16 and suddenly the world around you becomes more gray and terribly, terribly lonely. The fire is never warm enough, nothing is ever enough. And one day you find yourself begging to a godless sky, begging for a new spark.

"do not borrow grief from the future"
But what if I can already see the headlights? I can hear the humming, I cannot ignore it. You will be gone. I will lose you. That is a certainty that has awaited me. I am nowhere near by.

They say you're smart. Your first grade teacher calls you a genius. You feel thrilled because finally, finally, someone who doesn't immediately wait for the next achievement, someone who doesn't threaten disownment over failure. You meet her again 10 years later. You're still her genius.
It is no longer a compliment, it falls like a curse. You spend your childhood decorated in choking ribbons and leaded trophies, but you don't feel pretty, you just feel used. You remember every moment. You remember longing for friends but finding none. You remember a desperation to please when you finally do. You find yourself asking "What if I'm not enough?”. You never are. Then you're up till sunrise because the world is crumbling and you are not enough and never will be and you have no-one. Sometimes you pick up a pen and write, but never in the first tense, never, too personal, You wanted to burn like Icarus. but You faded like Cassandra.

"I don't have a tragic backstory. I didn't come from nothing, I came from a family that has loved me from day one and been able to provide me with what I need. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. There are no excuses for me, no limitations, no walls I need to break down. But I'm not a genius. Not a superstar, not this incredible human being. And my greatest fear is that I will never do anything. People with incredible backstories change the world and I can't."

teardrops
petals
snowflakes
rain
stars
eyelids
time
shadows
the sun
and I,
for you

Now at the end of all things
As we're breathing sulfur and
Lead's pouring over our heads
I'm glad you're the one I'm
Sharing the trenches with